Chapter 183 - Would You Be Happy If I Left You Alone?

"So you know about your grandmother. Is that why you choose to come today?" Xia Sha sucked her lower lips and talked without looking at her interlocutors. The tone coming out from her mouth sounds soothing and calm, a direct opposite of the turmoil she felt inside her heart. 

"No. Yes. No. I come today because Xiao Ni told me you are throwing a housewarming party. And I- I thought I could use that as an excuse to see you," Guan Xian controlled the overflowing emotion that rushed out from his thought. 

He could not bring to say that he almost went crazy these five days. 

Think of that the company is facing a crucial time after the news rushing like a tsunami, Guan Xian must admit, in shame, that he did not give out his maximum performance this time. 

He could not think properly. 

He could not talk properly. 

He could not seems to get things right.

Heck! he could not even sleep or normally eat for these five days. 

Guan Xian suddenly becomes dysfunctional without Xia Sha. He did not realize how much impact Xia Sha made in his life. 

This thought had lead Guan Xian to some conclusion. A conclusion that he falls deeper in love with Xia Sha while he tried to make her loves him. 

And that is such a dangerous state because he hands out his heart and life to Xia Sha, knowing pretty damn clear that she could drop it to the ground whenever she wants but still willingly give it to her. 

If it's not love, Guan Xian did not know what it is anymore. 

If it's not trust, Guan Xian could not understand his feeling anymore. 

If it's not faith, Guan Xian can't trust anything in this world anymore. 

Guan Xian looked at the woman that makes him acted like a crazy man quietly, trying to deliver these high vibrational frequencies from his thought and action, hoping that it would touch Xia Sha's cold heart and make her understand. 

"I come today because I wanted to see you," Guan Xian's gentle voice tickles Xia Sha's ear gently. 

Xia Sha finally looked up and locked her eyes upon his. 

Those sharp and beautiful eyes look clear under the light from the moon. Guan Xian got bewitched by Xia Sha every time her chest rose and fall. He could not get over how excited he becomes every time Xia Sha is around. It just-

Why is a deep sadness in those beautiful eyes? 

That twinkled effect, does that coming from the crystal of tears?

"But for what? Why did you show up when you knew our situation is impossible? What is the use of raising my hope only to crashed it to the ground again?" 

Xia Sha's voice is slightly trembling in her attempt to look strong. She pressed her lips to prevent sob from coming out from her mouth.

Guan Xian is panicked when Xia Sha reveals her genuine emotion. Suddenly all the words he had to arrange got stuck on his throat when Xia Sha stare deep into his soul, probing him with a question.

"Baby, listen to me first," Guan Xian took a step closer to Xia Sha and gently touched both of her slim cheeks. 

"Don't baby me," Xia Sha furrowed her eyebrow. She heard herself creating a weird voice because Guan Xian is squeezing her cheek. 

"No! I am going to call you 'baby'! Because you are my baby!" 

"I am not!"

"You are!"

"Am not!"

"You are!" 

"AM NOT!" 

"YOU ARE! AND YOU ARE LOVED! BY ME, BY YOU FAMILY, BY MY FAMILY! I see that the only person that doesn't love you is yourself. Why did you do this to yourself? Why did you let others take your happiness away?" 

"You are talking a bunch of nonsense! I did not love myself? Who are to judge that for me?" Xia Sha's glare turned hateful as she pries Guan Xian's hand from her face. 

"Let others take my happiness away? What makes you so sure that you are my happiness? Haven't you hear that happiness comes within yourself? I am happy right now because I have myself. Rather than fighting the situations. Do you think I would be happy if I stayed even when your grandmother did not like me? Do you think that will make me happy in our relationship?" 

Guan Xian pressed his lips into a hard thin line. He shook his head and clenched his hand. 

"That is not what I meant. What I meant is you should choose to live you wanted. The life that will make you happy. You don't let other limit your option you could take in your life!" 

"And what did you want me to do? Go against the grandmother that you love with all of your heart?!" Xia Sha raised her voice. Anger starts to burn her ego and mind. 

"No! But at least you could explain yourself to her! Like I did! I've explained to my grandmother your situation, and she could understand! She isn't standing on our way anymore. She has given her blessing to us!" Guan Xian replied with the same tone as Xia Sha has used before, cold and cynical. It almost sounds like an accusation in Xia Sha's ear. 

'You did not love me. You never fight for me,'

That is what resonates in Xia Sha's mind that she suddenly turn defensive. 

"I choose not to explain myself. Then what about it? I don't want to be with you. I want to be left alone. It's not even because of your grandmother. What about it?" Xia Sha raised her chin in an opposing manner. 

Guan Xian looks at Xia Sha wearing an emotionless expression. He deeply rooted in his place and giving off a weird aura from his body. It's something Xia Sha saw coming from him before. But one thing for sure, it's terrifying. 

"You want to be left alone?" He renunciate Xia Sha's last world with a questioning tone. His voice is clear and deep at the same time, subconsciously raising Xia Sha's awareness. 

His eyes were calm and scary at the same time. It's the name gaze a lion shown when he slowly hunts his prey. If he wants to say something from his gaze, it must be 'be careful with the words you're going to say.' 

Hence Xia Sha did not answer his question with words but with action. She nods her head before turning her back, wanting to left him. 

But again, Guan Xian catches her wrist and turns her around. Xia Sha is not surprised this time. Instead, she is expecting Guan Xian would stop her and coax her like he usually does. 

Xia Sha wanted Guan Xian to know that she did not mean everything she said. She does not want to be left alone. Xia Sha wants to be with him. She would fight for him if she could, and she wants to make their relationship work. So bad. 

Xia Sha wants Guan Xian to know everything, but she only doesn't want to say it. 

"Would you be happy if I left you alone?" Guan Xian asked in a stoic tone, raising the suffocating air they share. 

Xia Sha looks at those deep brown eyes that she loves. A burgeoning sense of uneasiness suddenly creates a painful hallow in her chest. Her voice comes out choked as she nods her head. 

"No!" her head scream. 

"Yes," she answers in a small voice, almost as she is whispering hesitantly. 

Guan Xian stares deep into her eyes. He is trying to see the truth behind the words she said. He stares quietly for a few seconds before he broke a mocking smile. 

"Okay. If that is what you want, I will leave you alone."

Guan Xian replied with a calm tone, staring back at Xia Sha with his blank gaze. As if it does not affect him. As if he does not have any feeling for her. 

'What? He agrees?' The panicked voice inside Xia Sha's mind began to horrify her. 

'Xia Sha! What are you doing? You must be crazy!'

Xia Sha felt the world stop to watch her blink slowly as Guan Xian spoke. A burst of loud mocking laughter filled her ears as she looks Guan Xian slowly turned his back. 

Her finger flinched, she raised her hand, wanting to prevent his departure. Xia Sha knew she only needs to apologize and said she did not mean the words she had said. Xia Sha knew she should not let pride get in her way. 

But her tongue could not move. She choked on her own words as Guan Xian cold back getting smaller and smaller while she stands rooted in her place. 

~

Why did I let you walk away?

When all I had to do was say 'I'm sorry.

I let my pride get in the way (in the way)

In the heat of the moment, I was to blame.

I must be stupid, must be crazy, must be out of my mind

Now in the cold light of the day, I realize.

Mirror, Mirror hanging on the wall,

You don't have to tell me,

Who's the biggest fool of all.

Mirror, Mirror I wish you could lie to me.

And bring my baby back,

Bring my baby back to me.

-Mirror Mirror by M2M