CH 307

The Unhinged Monstrosity — Part 2

Editor(s): Speedphoenix, Joker

We ended up retreating to an area in the Wicked Forest’s southern region, one not too far from the nearest human settlement.

“How’s the situation looking?” I pinged Yata over the magical radio as I reached the waypoint. And after hearing that the situation had yet to change—that he was still headed right for us—I got my preparations underway.

The spirits I summoned had bought us a fair bit of time. As did every monster that Tentacleface happened to run into, as it would apparently stop to consume or destroy them. But even so, the clock was ticking hot on our heels. There were only about thirty minutes left before it managed to reach us.

On one hand, the news meant that we would get to see if my plan actually worked. But frankly, I would’ve preferred for the cthulhu ass motherfucker to veer off course. Ughhh… All this work just to make sure Nell doesn’t have to deal with any bullshit. Screw you, tentacle face! Oh well… no point complaining. Gotta do what I gotta do.

“I sense a rather powerful monster.” Lefi interrupted my thoughts, which mainly comprised of resigning myself to my fate, with a line spoken in the most nonchalant of tones.

“When did you get here…?”

“Recently. I chose to leave our nest upon realizing that a powerful foe had entered your domain.”

It’ll only take the thing another hour or so to get to the city if it manages to slip past us. So honestly, having her here’s really reassuring… That said, I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

“I’m glad you showed up, but…”

“I have no intention of acting lest you fail,” she said. “But if you are not feeling up to the task, then you are free to tearfully leap into my arms. I shall offer you the full extent of my support, as you are but an oversized child, and I, your guardian. It is my responsibility to watch over you and ensure that you do not cause an excess of trouble.”

Yup. That’s Lefi for you. She’s normally a model couch potato, but she’s always surprisingly understanding and super reliable when it comes down to the wire.

“Yeah, just keep watch for now. I’ll scream if I need you, but I’m not going to be hitching rides on the Lefi train every single time I have to fight something that’s got a bit of oomph to it.”

“Then I shall dedicate myself to bearing witness to the extent of your growth.”

I’d been incredibly anxious and unsettled about having to square down Squidward. But not anymore. A single conversation with her was all that was needed to put me at ease. I felt like I was at the top of the world—that I could do anything I put my mind to.

Voicing the sentiment was completely out of the question. I didn’t want to let her get too full of herself. But I made sure to keep it ingrained in my mind as I slowly continued to work my way through my preparations.

***

“It’s here!” I exclaimed as I watched the monstrosity come into view. And not a moment too soon. I literally just finished getting everything ready.

Not-Cthulhu’s was chewing something—likely an unfortunate monster he’d encountered along the way. His maw was quite literally dripping with fresh blood.

“Ew. This damned nudist is chewing with his mouth open. Someone’s gotta teach him some manners,” I grimaced. “I guess we’ve got no choice but to step up to the plate.”

My pets barked, cheered, hissed, cawed, and bubbled out a series of energetic replies. And though Tentaclebeard was well within earshot, he continued not to pay us any attention. In fact, he didn’t even falter upon seeing Lefi. Yup. He’s definitely fucked in the head. Though I guess I probably should’ve gathered that much from the way he looks. You know, seeing as how he LITERALLY DOESN’T HAVE SKIN? Yeah. Iunno, seems like a sign.

“Come at me, you ugly bastard! Get your gross ass tentacle face over here!” I shouted. “God, you’re so fucking ugly that looking at you makes me want to vomit! Do us both a favour and fucking kill yourself! Actually, please fucking kill yourself. I really don’t want you to exist!”

“…I am finding it difficult to discern if you are begging it for something or attempting to provoke it.”

I ignored Lefi, who I’d positioned behind me, while firing off a water dragon.

The eldritch horror didn’t even bother dodging. It took the spell head on because it knew it wouldn’t take damage, and then unconsciously countered with a wave of dark magic in much the same way a person would unconsciously raise a hand to swat an insect buzzing near their ears.

I took off and ran, or rather, flew for my life as I continued launching dragon after dragon. My persistence paid off. He eventually got annoyed enough to look up at me.

The moment he raised his head was the moment I sprung the trap.

The earth underneath not-Cthulhu’s feet crumbled away into nothingness. Focusing on me had distracted it just long enough for it to fail to react to the sudden cave in. From there, gravity took control and promptly sucked it into the abyss.

“Now!” All five pets began following the sole instruction I’d given them ahead of time: burying Mr. Tentacles alive.

They shoved as much dirt into the hole as they possibly could. And it wasn’t just normal dirt. We’d mixed in both Orochi’s and Wsprit’s poisons even though a part of me suspected that they wouldn’t have any effect. Likewise, I also participated in the makeshift funeral by opening up and emptying out my inventory, which had been stuffed to the brim with all the dirt it could hold while ordering the earth dragons I’d created ahead of time to dive straight in.

This operation was called “I ain’t afraid of you, asshole, not when you’re twenty thousand leages under the sea! Now shut up and die! Bitch!” but in truth, the hole wasn’t even one league deep, let alone twenty thousand. It only went a paltry single kilometer down. Though it is about fifty meters wide so the hole’s still gigantic if you consider the volume. Whatever. Point is, we’re burying him. Figuratively and literally.

All of us had long come to the conclusion that conventional methods were only going to fail us. We couldn’t hurt it. None of our attacks were even making the damned thing flinch.

Fortunately, the tentacle monster’s lack of skin allowed me to observe its lungs and confirm that they were operational. In other words, the freak of nature was one that breathed, even in spite of its odd body plan. And how do you kill something that breathes? Make it not breathe. Duh.

The hole was our final gambit. I’d layered dozens upon dozens of the dungeon’s pitfalls on top of the gaping abyss that my five pets and I had spent the last half hour digging. Every bit of sweat and blood we’d expended had gone into making it as deep as possible. Cause uh… Yeah. We kinda would’ve been shit out of luck if it ended up being too shallow.

“Mwahahahaha! That’s right, assho—bitch! You better fall!”

“I do not understand why you bothered replacing one insult with another. Was there any reason to stop yourself? I fail to see the difference between the two.”

After about thirty seconds, we managed to pack every bit of dirt we unearthed back where it belonged. That wasn’t to say we were done, however. I popped open the menu and used the dungeon to reinforce Tentaclebeard’s new home. Actually, I’mma go a step further and toughen up everything in like a one kilometer radius. Just in case.

If this doesn’t work, then I’m all out of ideas. The only other choice I have is to man up and ask Lefi for help.

A series of loud bangs began shaking the earth beneath our feet. Over and over, not-cthulhu banged on his makeshift prison, pounding on the dirt in an attempt to escape.

I was nervous. Very nervous, in fact. But right as I prepared myself for the worst, the shaking stopped. Looks like my DP just spiked too. Well… I guess that means it worked.

“Holy shit. We actually did it. I almost can’t believe we actually managed to turn the bastard into fertilizer.” I heaved a heavy sigh of relief. “Thank god it couldn’t fly.”

Its being one of the Wicked Forest’s monsters led me to believe that it probably would’ve somehow managed to stubbornly worm its way out of the situation. But thankfully, it didn’t. If dungeons weren’t OP as shit, I would’ve been totally screwed. Thanks dungeon. Thanks OP demon lord body. You’ve bailed me out once again.

“Impressive,” said Lefi. “I did not think you were capable of slaying it without my assistance.”

“Heh! Jokes on you.” I laughed like a cocky madman. “Cthulhu ain’t got shit on me, not as long as I’ve got the dungeon on my side. Hell, I might never need you to help me ever again!”

“Good. Then from now on, I shall place my trust in you and laze about at home regardless of the monsters that enter your domain.”

“I’m sorry. I was just bluffing. I’m pretty sure I’ll need your help one of these days, so please don’t. Thanks.”

“…Honesty is certainly a virtue, but I have quite the number of qualms with the ease with which you gave up.” She flashed a bit of an exasperated smile before suddenly raising her head and looking off in a random direction.

“Something wrong?” I asked.

“…No. It is nothing,” she said. “If this creature is an issue no longer, then I will be returning to the castle. What are your plans?”

“I’m going to clean up after this whole mess. I should be home by dinner, but I might end up running a bit late. Don’t bother waiting for me to start if I don’t show up.”

“Very well. I will inform the others.”

The dragon swiftly took off and returned home without another word. Weird. She normally hangs around for a bit longer.

“Alright ladies and gents, it’s time to get to work. Let’s fix up all the shit Squidward destroyed on his way here.”

While most of my pets immediately gave an affirmative response, Yata’s telepathic message was a bit different from what I’d expected. The corvid had mentioned that something airborne was approaching from the west. Checking my map revealed that there certainly was a hostile reaction. I simply hadn’t noticed earlier because I’d not looked at it since we’d put not-cthulhu 300 plus feet under.

At first, I thought it was another powerful invader, but as my skills weren’t picking up on any enemies, I realized that the incoming entity wasn’t one that was actually hostile. In fact, it was one I recognized.

“That was an excellent display. I expected nothing less from the Supreme Ruler’s mate.”

Upon arriving at our destination, a minute or two after the initial sighting, the creature—the dragon—descended and initiated a conversation.