Chapter Twenty-Nine: Maybe I Need Him

The next morning I woke up to the very bright amount of sunlight streaming in through the open door. I squinted and groaned a little turning away from the sun. As I did though I felt someone else's skin on mine. I opened my eyes to see Clarke still asleep and extremely peaceful. I realised we were both still naked and only had a sheet covering us, but it was also the last thought on my mind.

When Clarke and I slept together, it was sex. I mean, we did it for the enjoyment the feeling, for the fun, literally for the lust, but...that wasn't what last night was. People throw around the words 'making love' rather than sex, and I never understood the difference...until last night. We didn't just have sex, we made love because there was something else there...Oh God, was I starting to get feelings for Clarke?

"Do you just like to watch me sleep?"

I jumped slightly and realised Clarke was awake and I was literally staring at him like an idiot. I was freaking out a little though because I know I felt something different, maybe he didn't though, how would I know?

"Yeah, sorry," I said quickly. "You just look so peaceful when you sleep, like you're not CEO of a company."

"Ha, you're funny," Clarke rolled his eyes slightly and I felt his arm tighten around my bare waist. He was so calm, he definitely wasn't thinking the same thing. "Hmm, all I want is to lie here but I know I have so much to do today."

"Well, it's probably not a good idea to stay here considering our naked state and open door. I feel like Alicia could walk in any moment now," I told Clarke, shaking my head slightly.

Clarke laughed slightly. "I think she'd just find it funny, but you're also probably right. She's coming with me today."

"For those meetings I set up?" I asked him surprised.

"Yeah, at least one of them," Clarke shrugged. "We need to be seen in public together whilst we're here. Probably going to take her for dinner or something. If you're okay having a whole today by yourself, of course? We'd still have tomorrow anyway."

"No, course," I said without a beat. "You need to look a happy couple, its fine. I'll...explore LA or something. No big deal."

"Good," Clarke said calmly, as he sat up, pulling me closer to him because he still had his arm around me. "I wasn't kidding...I'd much rather stay here though."

I felt myself smile, I couldn't help it. "Me too."

It didn't take long to make a move after that. We both showered, separately, and got changed, and I had to admit it was nice to wear normal clothes and not a sexy dress. Alicia was already in the dining room, eating food from the large plates already on the table. It felt awkward all of us sitting there, as I found myself wondering if Alicia knew Clarke and I slept together last night, just wondering that made it awkward. They didn't stay for long though as they had to get to where they needed to be. Honestly I felt relief when they left because I was ridiculously in my own head right now.

It was almost like Paris all over again. I was feeling something I couldn't understand and I was mess, but I was holding it together a little better...only a little though. I just tried to keep myself together while Clarke was still here because honestly maybe he didn't notice it was different last night. Maybe it was just me over analysing the whole thing. I mean, we had slept together so many times and it was never going to be the same, we tried to change it up...but somewhere in my heart I knew it was more than that.

I couldn't have feelings for Clarke. I just couldn't. I knew I would hate the fame of being his girlfriend. I felt like it could make me hate him. Not to mention his work life was insane and right now it was fine, but once I started law school it would be insane. Plus he was still immature, at times, even if he had improved lately. Also, there was no way he felt that about me. About little no one, average girl, me. It couldn't work...It could never work. Then why couldn't I shake this feeling?

I decided to do some school work, maybe reminding myself of my future career would get this stupid idea out of my head. So I sat myself down with my stuff spread out... but it didn't take long for my mind to wonder once more. I was obsessing over one night, one moment of difference. Was it just that one moment though? I couldn't help but think back to my birthday. First of all the way he stood up for me in front of Isaac, I thought he'd done it as a friend, but maybe it was bit more than that, maybe he was jealous, I knew it had kind of felt that way at the time, but I thought it was because he didn't like how Isaac had hurt me. Then that night together, the way he looked after me, how things were when we together...

Not to mention Ava's insistent that we were more than friends. I knew she had always said that but lately she had been more right then before. Maybe she had noticed something in Clarke once she had met him more than once. Or I was just crazy. I mean, he had said he hated being alone and maybe that was just a reaction with that. I had to be crazy...

In the moment of my crazy thoughts my phone started to ring. I jumped and started to look for it under all my school work. I figured it was probably just Clarke calling to check up on his schedule, even though he had it on his phone, but he was terrible at following it. As I finally found it though, I realised it was an unknown number. I frowned but answered it anyway.

"Hello?" I said slowly.

"Ah, you didn't give me a fake number! That's nice to know," the voice on the other side said.

"Wait, what?" I said still confused.

"It's...Heath...Gunn," he said slowly.

"Oh, right! Oh god, sorry," I exclaimed. "You caught me in the middle of a study sesh. I am literally unaware of the world around me then."

"Ah, you're a college girl. Now I get why you're working for Watson," he said.

I laughed a little. "No, I'm a broke college girl living in New York who needs money. That's why I work for him."

"Regardless, I can only imagine working for him is stressful, so how about a drink?"

It was smooth. I wasn't expecting to be asked, but the moment the thought of drinking came into my head, I knew I wanted it. I wanted nothing more than to be distracted by these sudden feelings. They weren't there yesterday so maybe I really was crazy.

"That sounds good. Where should we meet?"

Heath suggested a fancy place in LA, one I probably couldn't afford but he definitely implied he was buying, and normally I hated it, but today I didn't care. I used one Clarke's cars and drivers and he had hired –well I had hired- to get there. I really couldn't escape the thought of Clarke. I didn't help that the car ride was long too because I was stuck there thinking again....replaying last night over and over in my head. God damn LA for being so big.

When we were together, things could be rough, we liked it, and it was more lustful. We like to play with each other, tease each other and make it all about sex...it wasn't like that. We wanted to see every part of each other's bodies, remember each bump and remember each stroke. Each movement was slower and more careful and memorable. I just couldn't describe it all. I knew it wasn't like that night in Paris though.

How did these feelings appear, was it so sudden or I had been ignoring them? Maybe I had, I don't know. I mean, I wanted to be near him more lately but also just be around him, not just have sex, and at first that was all I wanted. Now I liked talking to him, but being close...oh shit. Maybe I had been ignoring it. I even really liked it when he just kissed me....Oh God, what is wrong with me?

The car pulled up to the fancy bar and I suddenly felt underdressed. I changed before I left but I didn't pick something nearly good enough. Definitely only people with money came here, and I found Heath sitting towards the back in a nice booth, he definitely came here often.

"Ah, you finally made it, and you look very different from last night," Heath said, standing up as I came to the table.

"Well, you know, I thought about wearing the dress again, but it's just not in me to outfit repeat," I joked, sitting down.

"I see, gotta surprise everyone with something new every day," Heath smiled, sitting back down. "You however, also look like you need a drink."

Heath told me to treat myself with a nice cocktail, which were all expensive but looked so good so I did. We talked for a bit, just general stuff, what he does, other than shadow his father, and he was a typical guy watching sports and going out. I told him about college and law school, we were just chatting, but my heart wasn't in it.

"Okay, what is distracting you right now?" Heath said suddenly. "I'm not idiot, it's more than just school."

"What makes you say that?" I frowned slightly.

"Cause whenever you mention something with school, you sound like you know what's going on, but you sound distant with anything else," Heath shrugged slightly. "Like I said, I'm not an idiot. I'm going to go guess it's a guy?"

I wasn't sure what to say. Do I tell him the truth and get some of this off my chest? I mean, it would help me a lot...like a lot. I was starting to stress that I was going to ruin everything because I was so unsure of what I was feeling. Heath didn't know Clarke really, and if I never used his name he would never know.

"It's complicated," I said eventually.

"Try me, I'm good with complicated," Heath said quickly.

"Okay...so there's a guy...from college. We started just...a no string attached kind of deal," I said slowly, explaining it best I could, making up the details I didn't want him to know as I went. "It's been going on for quite a while now and I think things have...changed between us."

"Change how? Like maybe you have feelings for each other?" Heath questioned.

"Me...maybe, not him, I have no idea," I admitted. "We, got close before I came here. I thought, being here would be a good distraction, but..."

"You're thinking about it a lot?" Heath guessed.

"Yeah," I nodded. "You're handling that I'm in friends with benefits situation quite well."

Heath shrugged as he sipped his drink. "What can I say? I may have done a few of those situations. Never had the feelings problem though. I'm always out of it before that."

"Before that?" I frowned.

"Yeah. I feel like feelings are bound to happen in situations like that if it goes on too long," Heath explained. "I've always found it's best to get out early so it never happens. Obviously it's past that point for you, so that's no useful advice."

I huffed slightly at his comment. "I don't know though. I mean, I know something's different, but I don't know if its feelings or we're just closer as friends...because we weren't always friends."

"Okay," Heath said slowly. "Well, let's work this out. Do you want to be around him often? Talk to him? Just...sit near him?"

"Well, yeah," I shrugged like that was obvious.

"Okay, when you talk to him, do you want to hold his hand? Do you want to share things with him you wouldn't normally? Do you want to be close to him not just physically, but emotional?"

There it was, what was different. I had been close to him physically, heck I had even been close to him personally learning what I now know about him, but emotionally? That was a whole different level of knowing someone, and understanding them. That's how it was last night...emotional.

"I...I think so," I nodded slowly.

Heath lent back in his chair. "Well then, Rory, my dear, I would say you're definitely in trouble."

I groaned, putting my head in my hands. "I have no idea how he feels, if he could even feel different. He's...not that type of guy."

"Well, you could just ask him?" Heath suggested.

"And ruin our....friendship?" I was so worked up I almost said job. "I couldn't do that."

"It's a risk you might have to take, because otherwise you'll feel like this...all the time," Heath emphasised.

"Or...I just end it, right?" I suggested.

"I mean, yeah, you could do that," Heath agreed. "Where would that put you though?"

"As friends, still," I answered.

"Is that what you want though? Is that going to be enough?" Heath asked.

I sighed again. He was right. Even if I could let go of my deal with Clarke, we would just being friends and co-workers and was that going to be enough? Or was I going to fantasise about being with Clarke and drive myself insane...well more insane.

"I'm honestly not sure," I admitted. "It's all so new to me. It's all one big jumbled mess."

"Okay, that's fair enough," Heath said. "I say, take a bit more time, think on it more, and if nothing changes, you tell him how you feel. If...you realise it's nothing just end it and stay friends. But throw a tester out there. Stay away from him a bit more."

Stay away from him? That was nearly impossible. He was my boss after all.

I didn't hang around after that as Heath definitely realised this little thing was going to be nothing more than me talking about my feelings all night, but I was grateful he listened and he said he had no problem listening. I needed it. I needed someone who knew nothing about the situation. If I said anything to Ava...well it's pretty obvious what she'd say, and then if it was Kieran, well something tells me he would say not to over complicate it.

Once I get back to house I realised I was in a predicament. We didn't fly out til tomorrow around midday, which meant I had tonight with Clarke and tomorrow, and for tomorrow he promised we could see LA before we flew out. So I couldn't exactly avoid Clarke for now. So maybe instead I could avoid sleeping with him until we had had some time apart.

Alicia and Clarke arrived home just after dinner and I got bad vibes the moment they walked in. Clarke didn't say anything as we walked past me studying on the dining table. He disappeared into the bedroom and Alicia sighed and came and sat down next to me.

"What happened?" I frowned.

"I'm not too sure, honestly," Alicia sighed. "He went to take a meeting while I waited and he came out angry and didn't say anything."

"So it didn't go well then?" I guessed.

"I thought the earlier meetings did, but I know crap about business," Alicia admitted. "Maybe you can talk to him? You might be able to get something out of him? I'm not good with his moods."

I sighed but nodded. I slowly made my way into the bedroom to where I found Clarke sitting on the bed, just on his phone. I realised no matter how much my feelings were messing with me right now, he was still my friend and I still wanted to help him.

"What happened?" I asked him, as I sat next to him.

"Nothing," Clarke muttered.

"Well, that's not true, because you wouldn't be all sulky," I said quickly.

"I am not-," Clarke started to say and then looked at me and realised there was no point in lying. "Look, when I say nothing happened, I mean, nothing. No one wanted to make a deal today."

I immediately felt my heart sink. That is not what he needed right now.

"That's just today though, doesn't mean they won't call you tomorrow," I said quickly.

Clarke just made a huffing noise and I instinctively reached out for his hand. Without hesitation his fingers entwined into mine. He gripped to my hand tightly, rubbing his thumb back and forth over my hand. I hated how good it felt to just hold his hand, how comforting and calming it felt.

"I'm glad you came," Clarke said suddenly.

"What?" I muttered.

"To LA," Clarke confirmed. "I like Alicia, I do. I just don't want to keep doing this anymore. It's actually making our friendship weird and I hate it. I don't have many people left in my life and I don't want to screw anything up. It's making things hard for Alicia. I'm a step down for her."

"Don't say that," I rolled my eyes slightly. "It's not true. You're not that Clarke anymore. The tabloids haven't written anything bad for a while, and it's not just Alicia making your image better. It's you. You're improving, you care about your work and it shows. If you want to...fake break up with Alicia, it should be fine."

"If that's all true, then someone would've wanted to make a deal today," Clarke muttered.

"Oh come on," I sighed. "The economy isn't great right now, there's probably a million other reasons. Stop being so harsh on yourself for once."

Clarke started to nod at me and then he made eye contact with me and he held it. It should've been awkward to do this but it wasn't, it really wasn't awkward at all. I wanted to break away, because it was driving me insane, especially with my feelings so up in the air right now.

"I...I honestly don't know how I would've done any of this without you," Clarke said suddenly. "In my Dad's will when he told me to not fire you, I thought he was doing it to annoy me, but I realise I was wrong. He did it because he knew it was what I needed. He knew I would need you, and I do. I need you."

Oh God. That got me. I was no longer thinking rationally and I reached up and kissed him. He immediately kissed me back and then held onto me tightly. This is the last thing I should be doing after what I'd been through today but I couldn't help it. I liked that he felt that way because honestly he didn't just need me. Before I was a bit stuck up, shy and closed off. I had opened up, become really me again after my breakup. Truth was, I needed him too.