Chapter 75 - The Comfort I Find In Her

The next day when I was strolling around the pack many people came running to me and bombarding me with questions.

“Adam, thank God you’re fine.” Well, I’m not really but okay.

“We thought you were dead.” Yeah me too...

“What would happen to us if you’re not here?” I wonder if that’s what kept me alive.

“Right? You have to be here!” Right… For you all...

“Of course he’ll be here. It’s his responsibility.” Yes… It’s my responsibility.

“Right Adam? You’re here for us, right?”

They looked at me with desperate eyes, full of fear and full of force. It was like they wanted to chain me down to them.

“Why aren’t you answering?”

“Are you planning to leave us?”

“He was gone for days! Maybe he’s thinking about running away!” They began to assume among themselves

“No wait.” I spoke.

“You’re turning out to be like your father!”

“No!!” I raised my hands, “I-” I gulped, “I’ll always be here.”

“Right?” Relief washed over them.

“Of course.” I answered them with a heavy heart. The pressure on it increasing even more.

I almost died for them and not a single one asked if I was doing okay. They all just assumed I was fine…

I massaged my chest.

What is this weird feeling of hollowness?

“See! Adam wouldn’t leave us.” They continued to murmur. Such drastic changes in a matter of seconds.

I sighed internally when suddenly Lily and Chloe came running to me.

“Adam!!” I looked at them and then crouched down as they both ran over into my arms and clutched my shirt.

“What’s wrong?”

“Adam they’re fighting again!”

Oh no…

Again?

“Where?”

“Outside the shed.”

I sighed and jogged over. I’m sure they’re fighting because we lost some food again.

We have so many fights whenever this happens and whenever this happens for some reason dad loses it again and pours out his anger on me.

I went over and saw two small groups fighting like mad men. I sighed, kept myself calm and walked in, yelling at them to stop while trying to calm them down.

Whenever this happens I always end up getting claw marks on myself and by the time I somehow managed to calm them I myself am a mess. Some part of me is always bleeding but over the years I got used to it. Just like I got used to fighting rogues and dad’s tantrums.

After I was done taking care of the fight and telling them I’ll come up with a solution I sat under the usual tree shade, tattered and scratched to think about stuff.

I learned to let it all go because doing all this was my responsibility. All the more because dad was useless but that was my fault too.

I couldn’t save mom when she fell sick and died. She even got the fever from me, because she was nursing me the whole night.

I remember the events well, I woke up the next morning and saw her on the floor, hot like burning coal but I had no idea what to do. Dad wasn’t home, he went out on a job. Mom’s body just kept getting hotter and hotter. I was seven years old then, I tried to do everything that came to mind.

I put wet cloth on her. Tried giving her herbal tonic she made for me from the herbs she grew, put ice on her forehead but for some reason nothing worked. So in the end, I ran out to get the help from other people but by the time I came back, she was gone.

The feeling was so turbulent, it felt odd.

She was gone… Just like that?

She left me there, just like that? It didn’t make sense. How could a person be there with you a minute ago and then is gone the next?

I couldn’t understand. I just couldn’t understand.

I remember I just stood by some person's side while they declared mom dead. I clutched onto some person’s path while my eyes were glued to her while nothing made sense.

My thoughts came back to the present and I took a deep breath.

It took me time to grasp the concept of death but I still feel so guilty till this day.

I could have done better.

I could have gone to fetch someone as soon as I noticed her sick.

I could have tried something more but I failed.

That event changed dad so much.

I’m the one responsible so I don’t mind anything.

“Adam?” I turned my head and saw the kids coming towards me. I smiled when I looked at them. At least there is one thing here that is pure and helps me get it together.

The kids.

All they want is my attention and my time, nothing else.

They at least put me at ease.

“Adam are you okay?” Zen pointed at my lower lip, “It’s cut.”

“It’s fine.” I smiled, “It’ll heal.”

“It’s pretty deep though.” Beth said while they all looked concerned.

I wish there were more kids in the pack. I mean there are a few more,like 5-6 of them, but they are around one-two years old and the parents don’t let them leave their side.

These five kids are the only ones who roam around the pack freely.

There are no other kids their age. The rest of the pack is filled with adults.

I opened my arms, “Come here and heal me.” They all literally jumped on me, hugging me from all sides, I didn’t really have the space to fold my arms properly but who cares.

At least it was warm.

***

“You think rabbits lay eggs?” Dad slapped the report on my face, it left a stingy feeling behind, “Or give milk?”

“We can’t buy any more livestock, winter is coming. We need to prepare to stay warm and to keep the animals we have warm.” I had already presented the idea of raising rabbits and spending the budget we had on the pack.

“Shut up!” He yelled, “We need food to live!”

“We need to stay warm too! The winter is too harsh, so many die every year!” We lose our food to rogues because we can’t fight back at that time because the pack is too weak.” I picked up the papers, “I’m going with this no matter what you say.”

“You fool!” He picked up one of his alcohol bottles and poured it over my head, “You dare defy me?!” The liquid trickled down my hair, my neck and soaked my clothes but I only sighed and stayed still.

This wasn’t anything unusual.

I made sure the papers were fine and got up. I didn’t look at dad and proceeded to leave when he threw the bottle he had just dumped over me to my head. It crashed into the side of my skull and fell to the ground. Its impact made me stagger a bit but I managed. Other than that, it stung and I felt something trickl down too but I wasn’t sure which liquid it was but didn’t really care either.

I just took a deep breath and left.

***

“What are you doing here?” Esra asked me when she saw I was back at the forest. Honestly even I don’t know why I came back. My feet just brought me here.

“I came back to meet you.” I replied, “Why? I can’t?”

“No.” Her answer came with no delay, “Why did the Dryad even let you in again?” She was as confused as I but I didn’t really care about that. It just did.

“Um, I don’t know maybe because we are friends now?” I pointed my finger between myself and her, “Aren’t we?”

“No?” She shook her head, “And why are you hurt again?”

“Oh this. Don’t worry about this. This is just the pack fighting among themselves. It happens all the time.” Along with dad’s non stop abuse but well, she doesn’t need to know the details. It’s embarrassing to talk about.

“The pack fights among themselves?”

“It can happen. They get frustrated too. We’re not very well off after all.”

“Isn’t there, like a superior protector there?”

A superior protector huh?

I guess here that would be her but there… “The government?” I did a mix between nodding and shaking my head, “Well, they’re mostly good at hiding our existence. Trying to fight off rogues has alway been our own job.” I cleared my throat, “Other than that we’re pretty much treated like human community and in that case we have to fend for ourselves.”

I can’t blame them or can I? It should be the governments job to see their people are happy but they don’t give a fuck.

My pack isn’t the only one living like this. There are many people, just like us. Sadly enough.

“I’m guessing the human community isn’t that happy.”

I shrugged, ‘Some are, some aren’t. It’s a bit complicated to explain since the magic realm works a bit differently.”

I told her while her eyes were fixed on my injuries.

“Come with me.” She grabbed my hand and took me to the forest houses, “I can heal small injuries like this.”

“Ohhh~” I was really impressed. Wish I had powers like that. Wish I was this cool.

I mean just look at her, she grabbed my hand and pulled me along like she had all the authority too. Well, maybe she does and then there’s me. I rolled my eyes at myself in disappointment.

***

And just like that whenever I felt stressed I visited the magic realm.

It made me relax in ways I could never in my own world.

Even though I could only visit for a few hours meeting Esra felt nice. Sometimes I would even sacrifice my sleep and go over at night.

When I was with her, it felt like I was free from the burdens, unbinded from my shackles. Like the boulder I’m always carrying on my shoulder suddenly disappears as soon as I step into her world.

Her voice was so soothing it calmed my mind. I don’t know if that was her magic or just how she was but she soothes my soul.

She was the only friend I could reach out to when I really needed her. Someone who cared for my well being.

Each time I visited she would be angry because I was injured.

It felt different… It felt nice, to be genuinely cared about and for some reason it made me happy.

Kei and Suliha were my friends but they were rarely ever home. To the others I’m nothing more than their hope.

It’s not like I blame them, the only thing I can blame is fate, because it was cruel to all of us. Especially because deep down I knew I could never do anything to make things better. I didn’t have the qualifications and that’s why everytime they looked at me with wishful eyes I would feel like the boulder on me crushing me even more.

The only good thing was that my plan of keeping ourselves warm worked better and gladly the attacks from rogues were few and many times the pack members could handle them on their own if I was gone but of course everyone started getting suspicious.

They would ask me where I was but I didn’t have an answer.

I would just present an excuse.

I was at the pack most of the time and still they began to catch onto something but I had the right to relax right? Do something that made me happy?

Right?

Wrong.

Very wrong.

I had no right for that luxury.

Not at all.

It ruined everything.

As I started spending more time in the forest something terrible happened and it was all my fault.

All because I wasn’t there.

All because I was selfishly doing what was making me happy.

This was all my fault.

As I stood on the pack ground, I couldn’t bring myself to raise my head and face the members as they all glared at me.

My mind went blank and I was panicking like crazy as I looked at the dead bodies of the kids I adored.