5 Vampire Humor

Ash grinned wildly, still cackling, before addressing the question.

"I have never had anyone ask me that before. So straightforward! Truthfully, I haven't had blood in centuries. Ever since witches developed those imitation blood pills that dissolve in water we haven't had to steal blood at all. It tastes exactly the same; even comes in flavors like A+ and B-.

"I don't imagine your blood would taste very good though. Human blood is best. I had werewolf blood once when I was young and it left a horrible taste in my mouth for days. It tasted the way a wet dog smells. What kind of fairy are you, anyway? I imagine your blood would taste like your element."

Ruby supposed she shouldn't have been surprised. Witches were always coming up with ways to make things easier for everyone and keep the humans off their tails. They had never gotten over the whole Salem thing and now would do anything to keep all fae's secrets.

Normally they were money-grubbers who made things expensive on purpose but there was a good chance they didn't jack up the prices on blood pills because killing humans and leaving fang marks behind was just asking for the fae to be exposed. They would never stand for that.

"I'm an earth fairy," she admitted. They were a dime a dozen; telling him that much wouldn't give away the truth about her.

Ash's nose wrinkled in disgust. "Your blood would probably taste like dirt then. Gross."

Ruby was oddly offended that he thought she would taste bad. She didn't know why, since it wasn't like she wanted her blood to be sucked. But something about the way he called her gross rankled.

She wasn't gross; his castle was gross! That made him the gross one. So there.

"Well, if you'll excuse me I should probably go rest. I need sleep if I want my wing to recover faster. Which room is mine?" Ruby asked in a somewhat offended tone.

Ash shook his head at her. "I told you, only one of the rooms here is even habitable right now. It's almost dark anyway; just take mine. We can switch off in the morning. I'm going on a rat hunt for the rest of the night."

She raised an eyebrow at him but he stood his ground. She ended up shrugging. "If you insist. Lead the way, Master of the Castle."

He chuckled slightly at how she addressed him but did as she said. The furniture in this room was horribly outdated as well. There was a red velvet canopy over the bed that was torn like most of the other furniture. But the mattress itself was intact and looked clean enough.

Ruby thanked him and pulled the curtains around the bed, flopping forward onto her stomach and hugging the pillow. This wasn't the most comfortable position in the world but with her wing hurt she couldn't risk rolling over onto it. Stomach sleeping would have to do for now.

She sighed and willed her mind to turn off. It had been such a crazy day that it was hard to make that happen. When she woke up this morning she never would have imagined ending up in a derelict vampire's castle.

She counted sheep until she finally drifted off. She had a lot to do tomorrow so sleep was imperative.

===

When Ruby woke up her wing was stiff and she was starving. She hadn't had dinner last night in her haste to escape. Anything that came out of this kitchen wouldn't be sanitary anyway.

Ash had made some progress with the rats but what he really needed was an exterminator. He seemed exhausted and there were still some scuttling around the kitchen when she headed down to it.

"Have you been killing rats all night?" she asked in disbelief.

He nodded. "Not very successfully, might I add. It's like they have a multiplying spell on them or something. Every time I kill one, two more take its place."

"Can you even put a multiplying spell on rats?"

"I don't think a multiplying spell actually exists. I was making a joke."

"Oh."

Vampire humor was different than she had expected. Although she hadn't really been expecting any sort of humor at all based on how formal he got at random moments yesterday. Ruby changed the subject.

"Hey…before you go to sleep, do you want me to give the money straight to you or can I use it to hire some people? I know a good cleaning service and an exterminator."

Ash frowned. "Humans?"

"No. Fairies and werewolves."

"Oh good. I don't exactly think humans would react very well to seeing this place. It's a bit much for their sensibilities. Plus I don't want them remembering where this place is even if the barrier does keep them out."

Right. Vampires didn't like dealing with humans either, not only other species of fae. They really were purists weren't they? It was surprising Ash was letting her stay here at all.

Then again he had to be pretty desperate. This place was indescribable and needed more help than almost anyone could afford. Lucky for him, Ruby Gardner wasn't just anyone.

"Go ahead," Ash said with a yawn. "I'm going to bed. Wake me up if you need anything."

"Will do."

And just like that he was gone. Ruby changed her glamour so she looked like a sharply dressed middle-aged man and went out into the forest to do her business. It was better to use her powers were no one could see. They could be a bit alarming.