88 Exercise of desire

Emp felt confused for a while on how exactly he should react about the origin of his soul and body. Aside from that, he was mostly happy that everything he felt was wrong was actually going relatively well but still felt frustrated that there was nothing he could do right now for them.

While he was thinking about all that, Love had a long discussion with him about her domain, what he should do in the future, desires and all sorts of things.

She understood that he loved many girls around him already but she wanted him to be very sure that he was doing the right thing before he moved any of those relationship forward. Emp had a hard time figuring out what she meant by that at first but she took all the time she needed to explain it to him properly.

It wasn't about if he could love them all because according to her, he definitely could. The true question was to know if this would be the best thing for them. She wanted to make sure he would not mislead any of those girls and then break their heart because he had not been looking forward far enough.

Celtine for example, desired a pure and singular relationship where both party possessed the heart of the other in its entirety. If he truly loved her more than any other, he could reject all the others and give her what she wanted. If he chose to do that, he needed to tell the other girls who already expressed love towards him that he didn't intend to accept any of them clearly before they grew too attached to him.

In reverse, he could try to convince Celtine to stay and accept the others as sisters but then, would she truly be happy? Would it be better instead to let her go and just watch her happiness from afar?

According to the goddess, love was a free thing no one could control. True love took many forms and no answer was truly better than another. Sometimes, true love was a story of compromise between two strangers forced to marry, sometimes, it took the form of a pair unable to see anyone else but their other half. Maybe the love of one was strong enough to bend their convictions for it and sometimes, they were willing to accept that they were not the right person to bring happiness to their loved one. Love could be as simple as accepting the lonely friend of a lover and others found comfort in mere proximity rather than a more carnal relationship.

Love had no answers, she could only show all the paths to Emp in order for him to take the decision that would make him and the others the happiest they could.

Fighting Mable's father for her love might seem like a good idea at a glance because he wanted to please her but would it be best for her? Would he even be there for her if he needed to go across all the continent to fight a a far away emperor?

Love wanted him to seriously think about all this. She warned him sternly too. It was true that she wanted nothing more than his happiness but as the goddess of love herself, there was no way she would accept her own son going around breaking hearts by acting stupidly. If he did, she would punish him harshly.

"Don't toy with a woman's heart. If you do love them then treasure them dearly but if you chose to stay distant, make it clear and do not twist a blade in the wound. Always be genuine, honest and truthful. Knowing you, I don't think this will be much of a problem.

I want you to come to a decision about the slave girl and tell her within the week. Will you or will you not give her the entirety of your heart? Whatever your decisionends up being, she needs to know in order to clear her heart of the shadow looming over it. Let her make peace with herself."

"But I don't know what I should do, I just started to notice those feelings. I don't know what would be best."

"It's not about what you should do it's about what you want. Seclude yourself for a while and think about this. Close your senses to the outside and picture your future. One by one, you will add and removes those you think as friends and lovers, leave only one, place them all there except one, experiment with this. Picture those you like with some unknown man, can you accept it? Who do you care for most and who do you care for less."

He remembered having done a similar exercise in a tavern once. He closed his eyes and did as he was told. He saw family and friends stand at his side and had them disappear and come back to see how it affected him. For some, he felt distressed, for others saddened and finally, for some few, he believed he would be fine as long as he knew they were alive and well.

Then, he tried to pair everyone up in his mind, either with others he knew or random strangers. When doing this, for most of those he knew, boys and girls alike, he felt joy for them as he pictured them happy with a lover. He was himself happy for their own happiness, he believed this was normal, it should be how he always thought.

But, for others, it didn't feel the same at all. Because of the previous events, he pictured Mable with Ninoslav first, even though she was smiling with Gytha, he was filled with rage at the sight. He felt it was unfair for his experiment to have her pair with that guy so he switched for someone he appreciated instead, Norval Windslow, the honor student. He wasn't enraged anymore, true, but he was still bitter and a bit angry.

Something similar happened with Calla. He saw her with Vesa, he knew he loved her before he died. Vesa was the most happy he had ever seen him, for the sake of the exercise, Calla seemed just as satisfied. He felt conflicted about what he was seeing. He was happy for those two he liked very much to be together, if only in his imagination, but at the same time, he felt sad, disappointed maybe.

As for Celtine, when he placed an unknown person at her side, he only had a deep sense of loss. Maybe he had just spent too much time with her already, it was hard to picture her elsewhere than at his side or on his shoulders. Emp had not lived all that long but most of that life had been spent with her already.

That exercise was hard, the more it went on, the more he just felt like he wanted to keep everyone closer.

"I expected that sort of answer." Love told him, reading his mind like usual.

"Is that a normal way to react?"

"Yes and no. Most are greedy and want to keep all the pretty boys or girls they fancy for themselves but your reaction is different. You seem to lack the sense of beauty still, you just find yourself attracted to things that stirs your heart instead. What is more interesting is that it doesn't matter to you either they are lovers or friends, you just want to keep all of them close like a compulsive hoarder. You are afraid of loosing anything at all.

For an ordinary person, this would be abnormal but for you, I think this is normal. You just feel too much love, it pours down to everyone you think of as a friend. The type is different but love is love after all. Just be careful to not disperse yourself too much. There's a limit to how many beings a mortal can entertain after all." (1)

Emp wasn't sure this whole thing really helped him make up his mind on anything.

"At least you now know the answer you should give the wingless girl. According to how you felt pairing the others, you would not be able to truly let go of either the apple girl or the one right here. You have to tell her this, be honest with her. It is not that you are rejecting her, it is that you cannot reject the other two for her. Or rather, you could but you would regret it soon."

"Why would love be so hard to work out?" He complained.

"You mean, why couldn't they just all get along with you? You have to understand them, keep in mind that they might feel the same as you, like the wingless servant. You can't let them with someone else in your head but they should let you do just that? If you cannot accept seeing them with another man instead of you why should they accept seeing you with many woman?"

"Aren't sisters fine with each other?"

"That's is how the morals of the Steelwood society dictates it should be. This is necessary for its continuation but it doesn't mean that it is truly representative of what lies in the heart of everyone. Jealousy is a powerful goddess too. A girl might put up with the man she loves sleeping with others she approved but it doesn't mean she likes it.

Keeping one lover is easy as long as you do not cheat but its even easier to lose all of them altogether once you try to keep the hearts of two."

Emp felt scared by her words. He didn't want to lose anyone. From what she was saying, was that even possible? Why had she been telling him he was doing well earlier and cheering him on if he was throwing himself into such a pit?

"That's because I do want you to succeed in everything you set out to achieve. I want you to get everything you want. The task being hard will just make the final result sweeter.

Plus, as the son of Love, don't you think that limiting your love to a single person would be odd? That one person might drown in it if you're not careful. It would be like having a full bucket of water and trying to pour it all into a single tiny glass, there's no way it won't spill."

Was this truly how it was? But wanting something didn't mean it was obtainable did it? Sometimes, it was just impossible. He wanted Vesa to come back but he was dead, it was impossible.

"So what, you would force yourself to live in melancholy because your desires seemed unreachable? Would it be worse or better than trying? You met many people already that had all sorts of relationship.

You met some that lost it all before it began and regretted, some that lost after it was too late to turn back and regretted, some that found love with one partner they wanted to share everything with and some that have so many wives their house is filled with woman and children.

I believe you had decided that since any and all decision could result in sadness, it was better to just chose to do what you wanted."

Yes, that was right, he did chose to do that. Since he would never fully satisfy everyone with any of his choices, it was best to do what he wanted rather than listen to what others wanted from him.

He had not been sure what was best since all decisions could lead to sadness. Was it best to not lose anything by doing nothing or was it best to feel happy for a time and then lose it.

The answer he was facing now was that even if he did nothing, it wasn't true that he would lose nothing. It wasn't because he did nothing about them that his feelings didn't exist. Those would be wasted and lost, the opportunity squandered. Marcy was the perfect example of this. The choice was losing for sure or losing maybe after enjoying some happiness for a while. Wasn't it just better to move forward with it then?

"Another step forward! I'm proud of you, keep thinking to forge your character. Do you want to know the secret of how the Steelwood empire works? Those that marry out of love usually only have one partner, most of the others marry for the sisters rather than the man.

Most of the time, the man is something they have to put up with to make sure that their relationship with the sisters will work out. They want long lasting relationships with them rather than the man. He's just glue to bind them. They look at a man and if all his wives are girls they would think would make some good long lasting friends, they try to join the circle of sisters.

This is why everything works out so well in the majority of the cases where the husband dies. It is so because it was already working perfectly before. They fulfill their civic duties by bringing new life onto this world but aside from that, they care more for the sisters than the husband whom they can't really entrust their hearts unto since they never really obtained his either."

"Isn't that a bit sad? How do I make it work then?"

"There is no secret, either it does work or it doesn't. It doesn't mean they will hate you even if they do end up disappointed with their relationship, in most cases their love will just fade into friendship.

I'm not saying its always that way either, I just stated the common. You might be able to make it work. Your ability to love is almost infinite after all. I do not think that any of them will feel like you do not love them enough because you will indeed sincerely love them all, you are born this way after all. I can't know for sure however because I can't see the future.

Whatever you choose to do, you'll have to work hard all the time to keep everything right as it should. Relationships, either in a family, as a friend or as a lover, all work the same. They need to be cared for and nurtured like a delicate garden flower. If you do not answer its needs constantly, the flower withers and dies. Look at the garden they made for me outside, look at how many girls and boys spend their whole days in there to take care of it. You need to be like those caretakers, never stop providing your attention and love."

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(1) According to Robin Dunbar, a human can only have five meaningful relationship at a time in their inner circle. The second circle contains only ten more and the third 35. That one would include the people you know from work I presume. The last one contains a hundred people but aside from recognizing their faces and names, I don't think those hundred have any real meaning in our lives. They can provide a nice chitchat.