143 Reality

" It really is hard to discern what is real or rather what is not." I wondered whether or not the rest of my pitiful sanity had vanished as I watched my memories over and over again. At first, I had been thankful for having the oppurturnity to review all of them.

But after countless repetitions of watching my cartoonish depiction of a villain, I came to the conclusion that I need to reevaluate my actions and behaviour. My antics did not even closely resemble the real thing and could be called a childish imitation at its best.

There was not the least bit threatening about a human mimicking an angsty and edgy teenager. How anyone could see me as a credible threat, is beyond me. Besides having beyond average physical capabilities, I had nothing that could threaten anyone of them.

My use of tactics could only get me so far and once those people throw away their precious feeling of superiority I am done for. The last fights are proof enough of that. I am struggling to face even one of them.

Whether or not the world I had been in a real or just a fabrication of my mind, it would be delusional to think I could survive long in such an environment. All the measures I had taken could only shorten the gap.

Magic in itself is something, that my brain can hardly handle. Science, or at least the one I know, does not include something like this. Or I missed out on the part, where one could summon the elements by moving their hands.

Having such a tool at your disposal is the embodiment of unfairness. Even with certain restrictions, placed on them, they are still able to use it to cause great destruction. We humans would have to rely on technology to cause something like this and all they do is waving their hands.

But it would still be unwise to count out humans, lest we forget about the tools we have tested on ourselves with great success. Unlike magic, our methods only goal is to cause harm. Magic might not be all too different, but we humans do not have a mortal enemy to justify their existence.

Once every last monster has been taken care off and they start to point their magic against one another, then they will realize, that magic is not any different.

My world view might be a bit cynic and tainted by the humans I have known for all my life, but how long would the status quo remain, if the source for their inequality is gone? A utopia is nothing more than wishful thinking.

The monsters would just be replaced by another form of threat to them. Those in power would not give up their privileges just because they are asked nicely. They resemble the human way too much in that regard.

Their pride, their prejudices, their arrogance all of these emotions are way too similar. So it is more than likely, that they would follow the same steps the humans did. This new area would be ushered in blood once more. Whether it is against a new common enemy or against one another truly did not matter.

In some form or another, the injustice and inequality would remain, because the root of the issue stayed the same. At their core they would remain the same flawed beings, they seem to detest that much.

Maybe I am just reading too much into this after all of this is can be nothing more than a fabrication of my mind. But if there is something more to all of this, then it would be unwise to throw all of this away.

Instead of pointlessly continuing my emotional distress caused by repeated watching of my gimmick I decided to think about all of the memories and their hidden implications in great detail. The explanations my brain had come up with, blaming it all on higher powers outside of my realm of understanding is quite shameful.

Being just a pawn in their play is not the problem here, the problem lied in my quick acceptance of my hopeless situation. I should have never given up on trying to break free from them. Hopeless is only a term for those who have surrendered. I do not want to repeat the mistakes I made in my previous life.

Whether it is a strange entity calling itself the Observer, or it is something inside my body claiming to surpass magic with me. Regardless of their plans and objective, I will not lower my head and wait until everything is over. Blind obedience does not suit me if I want to achieve emotions.

Magic is not an impossible existence, it is just my understanding that is severely lacking. My previous knowledge is my foundation to explain its mysteries. Something which can change into every kind of matter seems to be ludicrous and can not exist.

But if you think about it, everything is made out of atoms and its properties can also change to everything. Protons, neutrons and electrons all form the elements as we know them. From helium to carbon and oxygen all of them are fundamentally the same, but yet so different.

A different amount of electrons in the rings of each atom make up for so many different properties and reactions. It is truly fascinating to know that natures wonder can be boiled down to such an extent.

Suddenly magic does not appear to be that impossible anymore. The crux of the issue lied in their ability to actually wield it. How can they dictate what action the magic is supposed to take? Normally the surroundings always dictate what kind of change will occur.

The same does not apply to them. They can change magic into a hot state or a cold state or into different form and shapes entirely. Such a variety of attributes, that take form nearly instantaneously are beyond my current understanding. The humans I know, could only indirectly take influence on such things.

Creating light by flipping a flitch is a simple version of sending an electric current into a bulb where electrons are elevated to a higher energy level before falling back to the previous level. While they fall back down they emit they light we had aimed for in the first place.

What we take for granted is a fairly complex arrangement of different laws and principles to achieve the result we want. This is merely one simple thing, in the sea of different inventions and technology that are the foundation of modern society.

I realize more and more how idiotic the decision was to just blindly accept everything. I betrayed my own mantra without realizing it. I stabbed myself in the back by not questioning everything. Mistakes can be made but they should not be repeated.

All kinds of vows are meaningless if they are just made for the sake of convenience. This time around I will not make any stupid vows or false promises just to ease my mind. Doing so would only end with me sabotaging myself.

In order to understand magic, I need to observe and be open-minded. No restrictions, no lies, no falsehoods. I am not satisfied with a mere illusion, I want the real thing.

This is my second chance at life and I will not waste it. If I end up giving my life here, then so be it. All I want is to be able to stand tall with my head held high and die with regrets on my mind. Just like that mortally wounded man, who still struggled and yearned for life.

This is the reality I strive for and the reality I am willing to do anything for.

" What a beautiful declaration. I have heard it all from cries for revenge or the thirst for power, but you are the first one to have that kind of motivation. Although you are also the only one to possess such meagre abilities. "

A familiar voice spoke to me coming directly from the endless white void. The voice belonged to my subconscious, or at least that had been the thing I took it for. It was easy to spot due to the black trail that it left behind.

My eyes followed his movement as he came closer to me without any worry in the world. Why it could affect the void in the first place is something I will have to find an explanation for later on. The expression on his face seemed pleased.

" With all of your flaws, you just barely possess the qualifications to have me at your side. If you had not piqued my interest I would have never settled for you. "

"You lack vision, your temper and conduct are lacklustre. You also do not have any affinity with this world. Your combat-related abilities are subpar as well. I am not even going to mention your understanding of the laws that the world is built on. Your morals and motivation are at odds with a harsh environment. Your senses and perception, are beyond terrible as well."

The tone in his voice seemed neither overbearing nor ridiculing. It rather sounded like he was presenting me with a matter of fact. I could not refute any of those statements. All of these shortcomings would sooner or later lead to me being at a disadvantage, if not even worse.

An assessment like this was absolutely correct but I could not help myself that a shadow of doubt appeared on my mind regarding its authenticity. Because the source was not something I had control over. It was the only thing, that was not under my influence.

The trail of darkness left behind his every footstep began to spread out and cover the previous white void and shrouding the space in a gloomy hue. The veil of gloom gave off an eerie vibe. He appeared to be unaffected by the spectacle taking place in the surroundings as he continued to speak to me in the same manner.

" You neither have the talent nor the destiny of others. You are not blessed by the Gods either nor were you born with a great fate. There is no path prepared for you, no goal or targets set. Nothing waiting for you and nothing being expected."

The world around me had lost all of its light and was entirely engulfed in darkness. My spitting image stopped in its tracks some distance away from my current position. With a big smile on his face, he was looking into my direction gauging my reaction.

I chose to not to do anything and just waited for more information. Despite these words sounding truthful they still lacked critical information, that would enable me to discern them from not being a product of my imagination.

My inaction did not seem to deter it as I was calmly stared down from the distance. An expression of genuine interest was not enough to convince me. He could act as mysterious as he wanted to, I am not going to fall for such an act.

It is hard to trust something when I can not fully trust myself. That is why I am just going to wait and see how the situation develops. It is not like the current situation offers many alternatives. I could have walked up to it, but that was it.

Meanwhile, my spitting image had a wide grin on his face before he put his arms around him and turning into my sister. A peculiar development, but still not a reason to move any closer.

" Oh my dear Moirai, you are not a fallen hero or a saint. You are nothing special, you are just a mere human and not even a good one. You never had the ambition nor the desire to accommodate your family and their wishes. You were too preoccupied with your own life full of self-perceived misery."

The voice and mannerisms were spots on, if I did not know better I would say that my sister was currently berating me once again.

" For you, there was no father, no mother, no sister, no there was only you, yourself. Did we ever truly matter to you? You never cared about anyone else. Did you play the victim to fuel your frail ego?"

Just as harsh as the real-life equivalent. Who needs magic, when a tongue is so poisonous. It is easy to pretend I have figured myself out, but I can not say for certain who or what I actually was. Right now I can only confirm, that I lack some critical emotions. I will have to find out more about myself to understand my actions from back then.

" You were quick to point fingers and shift away from every kind of responsibility despite being the only one to blame. YOU WERE THE PROBLEM."

Yeah, that was a bit too over the top. While my sister was certainly quite emotional, she was more of a scheming type, which did not show much emotion on the surface. Her emotional state could be seen through her small acts. Or I truly never paid too much attention to details like this. It is still too early to draw a conclusion.

The expression on the face of my "sister" turned insidious unlike I had ever seen before the countenance changed yet another time. With a movement of her hands, the face was covered before turning into the image of my mother.

Although I did not expect to have a family reunion again that quickly I just stared at her interested in what was about to happen. What kind of story was I about to hear?

" Lord, why was I given such a child? Why must I suffer such hardships?"

A warped sense of reality befitting my memories of my mother. Although I can not remember ever asking to be born into this world in the first place. Sadly I could not demand a replacement womb for the faulty first one.

" Thank you, Lord, for taking my burden away from me."

This depiction of my mother seems far-fetched. She had never been the religious type and seeking solace in religion was something she despised wholeheartedly. She loved to refer to people of such a nature, as mindless cattle.

Although they shared the same voice and appearance, it was definitely not my mother. The mere thought that she might have turned to religion seems laughable. I scoffed at the idea of my mother uttering prayers directed a God she did not believe in.

I am well aware that humans are capable of everything they set their mind to, yet I could not imagine my mother turning over a new leaf and having a belief of that kind. She was not the type of person, who would change. Unless it suited her, a trait that her daughter shares as well.

The mother-daughter duo was way too similar for that. Both had their eyes set on a target, they would do anything to achieve. Unlike the common folk, they were quite persistent in obtaining what they desired.

In the end, for those on the receiving end, their motivation mattered little. Whether or not they suffered for personal gain or the greater good does not change the fact, that they were the ones suffering.

One might claim, that having a good cause in doing so, would help ease their minds and give them the strength to persevere through the troubled times, but this is utter nonsense. Preaching altruism in dire times is mostly done by those with ulterior motives.

For the betterment of society, for a better tomorrow, for the next generation. The prestigious labels are all based on the same principles, to suggest the sacrifice for the people they hold dear. While a noble cause, this is exploited by a select group of people who wish to stay in power.

And nothing will ever change, if one corrupted head falls it will soon be replaced by another one. History has proven over and over again, that the only thing Humans have gotten better at, was masking the injustice.

They lie with smiling faces, the betray while hugging one another. They thrive by putting others down. Be it animals, themselves or even nature itself, everything they can get their hands on will be used. That such a vermin appeals to morals is another cruel irony in itself.

Humans are not as bad as I made them out to be but in comparison to the other species on Earth, I can only call it them a vermin, a disease that plagues the Earth. Nature in itself does not care about the mistake, that will be eradicated with the passage of time, but it can not be denied that humans have permanently altered nature with all of their deeds.

In the meantime, the visage of my mother had disappeared and turned into a copy of my father. I was not surprised by this development as a more than obvious pattern had emerged. A figure similar appeared in my vision telling me something shocking or thought-provoking. The true purpose behind that act is something I have yet to deduce though.

My father had always been a stern person, with a clear understanding of how to grow a business. Despite his eccentric behaviour, he can be considered the most normal person in his little dysfunctional family.

Let me witness what kind of outlandish things he will say. Maybe he will start telling me to sell our company and live happily off the money gained by the transaction or he might tell me to give away all the useless money since a life without paper notes and shilling coins was way more fulfilling.

" Dear Son, it is hard seeing you in such a bad condition. The company always came first for me. It was the thing my father had entrusted me with on his deathbed. It was the work of a lifetime and my way to provide my family with the things they deserved."

A mournful voice unlike I had ever heard, dark traces under his eyes and a downcast expression were visible on his face. His appearance looked rather ragged and the normal aura of aloofness was nowhere to be seen.

" All of my actions were to prepare you to take up the same mantle as your father. All of the stress and the pressure I put you through was for this. But since you clearly did not want to succeed me, I decided to make your sister the inheritor of the company. I could not bear watching all of my effort in all of those years to end up being in vain."

The figure of my father was clearly shaking as all of these words left his mouth. Those were the words of a man deeply torn by guilt and sorrow about the things he has done. He looked in my direction but he was not looking at me. His eyes were looking at something far outside of his reach, something he would never be able to obtain.

" The company is thriving unlike ever before. The shareholders are very pleased with our development and my daughter has proven her sense or business over and over again. My wife is happy beyond belief, because of our recent success and she has finally become the woman again. I once fell in love with."

Despite the seemingly positive content of those words, there was not much happiness eradiating from the man himself.

" I just wanted to make everyone happy, my family was supposed to have every single thing they would ever need or could ever want. Yet, why does no one seem to care that all of this was bought with the health of my son? What is the use of all of this, if I can not even share it with you?"

I should have felt disgusted seeing my father pleading and lamenting my fate. As if this kind of justification would come from my father. In a sense I had to be thankful for this weird situation, I saw things I would have never even dreamt of being possible.

The pitiful farce disappeared from my eyes for good as if nothing had ever happened. He was replaced by a hooded person. After a brief period of silence, the hooded person began to speak. with a voice that belonged to the only person, I thought to have had feelings for.

The necessity of wearing a hood to cover the face was beyond me, as I could clearly envision her face from back then. Her seemingly innocent eyes, uncorrupted from the filth around her. A sweet smile while fate had given her several hardships to endure.

She was a beacon of light, the role model I needed when everything began to crumble all around me. Sadly my time to enjoy her presence was rather limited. Would my world view still be this twisted and rotten? I just hope that she can remain as pure and as compassionate as she had been prior to my involvement.

" It was easy to convince him to do my bidding when he was at his lowest. The faintest bit of kindness and he already began to cry his heart out. He told me everything I wanted to know and all I had to do was ask nicely. He was just not cut out for this cruel world. An ending like this was only fitting."

What a twist, who could have seen that coming? The ideal version in my head was a mere lie and I exploited. How can I trust anyone ever again?

I would never truly care if she just used me for her own purpose, that would just further prove that my understanding of human nature is the correct one. The true reason for me seeing her in a fond light is that she offered me a new perspective, a dream that I could reach the same state as her.

I did not fall in love with the human itself but adored the ideals she stood for. So whether or not she was an angel or the devil faking her kindness I could not care any less. It is not like I did not consider her motive, but I was too blinded by my own desire to be like her. Until the day I died, I was intoxicated by the mere idea.

The hooded figure disappeared into thin air and arrived directly in front of me looking me directly into the eyes. With only mere centimetres between our 2 faces, I was able to see every little detail. Yet, the face was not the one I was used to, I was staring directly into the eyes of my long lost dog, that had accompanied me during the early days of my childhood.

"Woof" she exclaimed as she stared directly into my soul. I would be lying If I had predicted such a development.

" The dumbfounded expression on your face is priceless," said the woman with a dog head. I would be lying again if try to deny it.

" I have tried everything to cause an emotional response from you. I invoked every character, that has majorly shaped your character and the thing that finally breaks your countenance is a dog. A dog which did not even like you.

in the background appeared numerous memories of the dog yelling and barking at me when I tried to pet it. That thing truly hated me. I was a bit floored, to say the least, and my thoughts raced to try and make sense out of all of this.

" Everything about you is so refreshing. If I were to hear yet another one of these simple-minded fools seeking power to avenge anyone, I am going to lose my mind. Do THOSE People have nothing better to do, then seek vengeance for the slightest inconvenience?"

" DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IT FEELS LIKE TO BEING FORCED TO LISTEN TO THESE MORONS OVER AND OVER AGAIN? REPEATING THE SAME OLD STORY, WITH THE SAME OLD ENDING, EXPECTING ME TO SHARE THEIR PAIN AND GRANT THEM MY POWER. AND THE WORST THING OF ALL I STILL HAVE TO SMILE, WHILE THEY CRY THEIR HEART OUT FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME."

" AND IF I GIVE THEM THE POWER TO ACHIEVE ALL OF THEIR DESIRES, THEY THANK ME ONCE AND CARRY ON THEIR PATH OF RETRIBUTION. WHICH WOULD NOT BE SO BAD, IF THESE FUCKERS WOULD NOT THROW THEIR LIVES AWAY IN THEIR QUEST."

" IT IS ALWAYS THE SAME. I GAVE THEM POWER AND THEY OVERESTIMATE THEIR ABILITIES AND DIE BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THEMSELVES TO BE INVINCIBLE. I WARN THEM TO BE CAREFUL, THEY LAUGH AT ME, THEY DIE. THE NEXT PERSON APPEARS, HE ACCEPTS THE POWER, I WARN HIM, HE SCOFFS AT ME, HE DIES. IT IS ALWAYS THE SAME. WHY DOES ANYONE I MEET PROVE INCAPABLE OF LEARNING?"

" I THOUGHT THAT BY SWITCHING MY APPROACH I COULD STOP THESE MORONS FROM THROWING THEIR LIVES AWAY IN THEIR CONQUEST. LIMITING THEIR POWER AND ONLY GIVING IT AWAY BIT BY BIT WHEN THEY HAVE PROVEN WORTHY OF HANDLING IT SHOULD HAVE SUFFICED. BUT OF COURSE, COMMON SENSE DOES NOT APPLY TO THESE IDIOTIC CREATURES. IN ORDER TO PROVE THEIR WORTH THEY THREW THEMSELVES HEADFIRST INTO DANGER TO TRY AND CONVINCE ME."

" AND GUESS WHAT THEY LOST THEIR LIVES. IT WAS WISHFUL THINKING TO BELIEVE THAT THEY COULD CHANGE. IT IS THEIR INHERENT NATURE TO FIND A WAY TO RUIN EVERYTHING? AND I THOUGHT THINGS HAVE CHANGED AFTER COUNTLESS SIMPLEMINDED MONSTERS DEMANDING STRENGTH TO COPULATE."

" WILL THIS TORTURE NEVER END?"

Sorry for interrupting your well-deserved rant about this idiocracy, but I think that you have forgotten the main purpose.

" While you are certainly more interesting, you are absolutely lacking in every other regard. They had more fighting experience, were better suited for my powers and had the skill necessary to make use of it. Qualities you lack. "

The tone of the voice was rather displeased and still agitated. The voice itself was hard to describe., it sounded arrogant and archaic as if it was as old as time itself.

" As old as time itself? I do not like your word choice, you seem to imply something."

Is there something wrong with such a description? Since you spoke of countless monsters and the mindless people you have granted you power it is not wrong to assign such a label to you, especially given such a big number. Besides being called old should be the least of your worries, since I have not even begun to talk about your incompetence.

" Incompetence? How does such a pitiful worm even dare to judge me? What qualifications do you possess to be so impudent?"

Screaming your arguments does not give them any more weight, you know? If you had so many tries with so many different specimens and you did not find success with any one of them, then you are the one to blame.

" I learned your language just from your memories and you question my abilities? While you, on the other hand, have proven that you are unable to fight against mere youths. Let me say it again, who do you think you are to question my abilities?"

I am a simple human, what do you expect from me? It would be delusional to think, that I could ever stand a chance against them in the first place. These are the type of expectations that led to failure after failure. And to answer your question, who I think I am, you should be well aware of that."

" Hiding behind your glib tongue is the only thing you are good at. Behind is an insecure child, which is scared by the world because it can not fully grasp it yet."

You make it seem so bad. Magic is a thing is something, which I never even dreamed off existing. What is wrong with being careful and considerate when facing something unknown? You even said so yourself, encountering every danger head-on is beyond stupid.

Label me a coward, but I do not see any benefit in acting confident in my abilities when I am so full of flaws. This is the reality I have to accept. The things I have seen leave me with no other choice than to accept my inferiority.

" So what is your answer? Are you going to rely on the toys, you humans are so proud of? Rest assured, I have not seen much of them, but I am certain they will be effective enough."

The best course of action would avoid fighting these talented youths in the first place. In order to achieve that, it would be pointless to kill them risking everything, because that would only end up motivating more to come and take revenge. Instead, it would be wise to fake my own death and let them think that I have been bested.

" You truly know no shame"

I do not have the luxury to feel shame. If I worry about such minor details I might as well just off myself right here. Once those people start to believe that the monster Moirai has fallen, they will quickly forget about me even existing. At best I will remain a fond memory.

" But how do you plan on convening those players of your death. They would only rest if they see your corpse."

And a corpse they shall get, but the question is will it be the right corpse?

" What a despicable plan, but it is much to my liking. Though I do wonder, how you want them to fall for it. Since your options do seem rather limited at the moment."

Please, a battle is not won due to brute strength or world-bending magic. A battle is won, when one of the involved parties has reached their goal.

This battle will be not be won by supernatural strength or mind-breaking schemes. This battle will be won by being human. Humans have many different faces and this is enough to guarantee my win.

" The man of many faces. This sounds like a fitting nickname."

" Though I do wonder Moirai, how certain are you, that your reality is the real one?"