Chapter 146 - She Had Been Selfish Once

"H…How d…did you get this, Mom?"

Mo Roulan stared at the paper in front of her blankly. She seemed to have lost her voice because of the shock she was feeling.

Lin Qianru, in response, didn't say anything.

The middle-aged woman left the paper and it fell on the table from her hand and she leaned her back on the chair as if she was very exhausted.

Looking at her daughter with glassy eyes, she whispered

"You really were never thinking of telling me such a big thing?"

And Mo Roulan's head lowered in response.

However, her response only fueled the anger Lin Qianru was feeling inside her chest since last night…since the moment she had got to know everything.

Anger that her daughter became so mature …and so early.

Anger that she had been an irresponsible mother…so irresponsible to make her children not feel secure enough to share their problems with her.

"Roulan…why? Did I ever scold you harshly for anything you did till today? I have loved both you and Chenchen equally …and so much …I don't know where I went wrong. My Child, please tell me, Mother will try to improve it."     

Each and every word of her mother hit Mo Roulan's heart hard.

Her eyes could not help but go teary hearing so much vulnerability in her mother's words. It was because of her that her mother was feeling that she had not been a 'good mother'.

The truth was that she had not been a good daughter.

She didn't regret not telling her mother anything. If everything happened again then Mo Roulan would do the same thing.

Her mother can't handle stress … Mo Roulan had been told by the doctor.

She was not a good daughter because she couldn't hide her troubles from her mother.

Her mother, in the end, found everything.

Raising her head, Mo Roulan bit her lips hard when she saw her mother looking at her with hope-filled eyes.

The hope that she would tell her where she lacked…

Mo Roulan's hands trembled and she hurriedly hugged her mother tightly.

"No Mom, don't say such things. I said the truth. You …You are the best mother in this whole universe. How can…you expect me to tell you where you lack when I don't have any answer to this question?"

Mo Roulan whispered gently as she wiped her mother's tears but Lin Qianru's tears do not seem to have any stoppage.

The middle-aged woman cried like a child as she held her daughter's hands that were wiping her tears.

Many years ago when she was a woman who had not experienced life enough by herself had got to know that she had two children to raise by herself ….she had felt very scared.

'What will she do?' She had thought back then. 

She had been a daughter protected by her parents, she had been a wife loved by her husband, she had been a mother who loved her children …. but she had never gone out to earn money.

When the man for whom she had left her everything without any hesitation left her, she had been so lost and clueless.

Still, she had held herself together for her children. She didn't even get the time to look at the broken pieces of her heart before loads of responsibilities fell on her delicate shoulders.   

Lin Qianru went ahead facing whatever the life threw at her.

She worked …worked like an animal to raise her children and was getting through every day of her life when the unexpected shock of the serious illness was thrown on her face.

The news , that she had an illness because of which she could die if not went through surgery, had left her mind blank.

She could die …leaving everything in this world she could die and finally have peace of mind.

The thought had sheltered inside her mind and she could not help but find it tempting at that moment.

Abandoned by the man she had loved, having self-respect big enough to not go back to her parents, she had found herself very tired.

So tired that she chose to become selfish and leave her children alone.

She didn't even try to live. 

It was God's will not hers. Why would he give her an illness if he didn't want her to die?

Her thoughts remained firm and selfish until her twelve-year-old daughter cried in front of her and called her selfish.

Selfish…yes that was what she was.

She knew it somewhere inside her heart but been called the same by her daughter….it was a different thing altogether.

She felt as if someone had slapped her awake.

She didn't want her daughter to remember her mother as a 'selfish' person.

She thought and hence found many reasons for not continuing her life, however, she never thought of any reason for continuing living. 

No… her children should have been the reason for her to continue her life.   

She had been really selfish. She didn't even think of her children even once. 

The guilt of what she had done had preoccupied her heart since then.

So she did everything for her children after that. Her life only revolved around them.           

However, this guilt only became larger when she witnessed the real face of Su Mian and saw just how vicious Wen Zuyan could get.

What would have become of her children if she had died back then?

That day in the police station, Lin Qianru had thought and her soul trembled mere at the imagination of what the answer to her question could be.

Su Mian and Wen Zuyan had already tried to s...sell her daughter once and this happened when she was alive. What if she …

Lin Qianru didn't dare to imagine. Her guilt increased and she tried to become a better mother to her children. 

But yesterday, seeing her daughter crying in front of a stranger, she came to know again of her failure as a mother.

Now hearing her daughter say 'you are the best mother in the world' she didn't know whether she should really believe it or not.

Because inside her heart, she would always remember just how selfishly she had desired death at that time.