Chapter 177 - My Costar Is My Constant

When Yao Shen returns to the apartment, the bedroom light is on and Xin Hulei is awake, waiting for him.

"Where have you been?" he asks. His tone isn't accusatory, or demanding. He just wants to know that Yao Shen is safe.

"I went to visit Meng Po," Yao Shen admits, sitting down on the bed next to him.

Xin Hulei sighs. "I don't know when I'll have the courage to face her..." His dark eyes drift towards Yao Shen. "Should I thank her, or curse her?"

Yao Shen pulls the four memory vials she gave him out of his pocket.

"I went there to curse her, but she gave me this." 

Xin Hulei picks one of the vials and inspects it, turning it slowly under the room's weak light.

"Memories from your past lives?" 

Yao Shen nods. "She also gave me this."

The incense burner he pulls out of the front pocket of his jumper is far bulkier, but still disconcertingly small, for what it promises to do.

"She said to burn the memories here, to learn about the 'consequences of remembering'."

"Are you going to?"

Is he? Yao Shen doesn't know. As with everything related to Meng Po, there isn't an easy answer. 

Xin Hulei hums a little to himself. "You could also drink them, and just get all the memories back. She must have known that was also an option."

Yes, he also considered that. 

"I don't think I want that, though," he admits, his shoulders hunched. "Just seeing what happened to the Crown Prince was bad enough." He shakes his head. "I can't imagine living with those feelings inside myself."

The corner of Xin Hulei's lips hook up, but it's a sad smile, almost defeated. "I guess I must have felt the same way."

Yao Shen lowers his head against his shoulder, and laces their fingers together. Maybe that's what Meng Po meant. 

Maybe Yao Shen is wasting his time by being focused on the past, when he should be looking at the future.

A future that he and Xin Hulei are now free to build, without Si Wang in the way.

He feels as if he should be happier about that. "I think, I'm grieving something, I don't know what, though."

Xin Hulei's warm fingers sink into his hair, massaging his scalp softly. "I think you're mourning what could have been. All the versions of you that didn't get to exist..."

He remembers Meng Po's words, accusing him of thinking that knowing the truth sooner could have saved him from the miserable life he ended up stuck with.

He sighs. "Where do we go from here?"

Tomorrow seems so far away, and they have all the mess in the mortal realm to deal with. 

"Let's go to bed, we can think about this in the morning," Xin Hulei says, pressing one last kiss to Yao Shen's lips.

Only minutes after slipping into bed with Xin Hulei, and resting his head against his chest, Yao Shen is out like a light.

---

Tomorrow comes, and Yao Shen is tired beyond words. Tan Liansi is still unconscious on the sofa. He knows that none of them is in any condition to go back to the set yet.

His first instinct is to call Bi Jialu and explain the situation -- but of course, that is no longer a possibility. 

He calls Director Chen's assistant, instead.

"Ah laoshi, I'm glad you called, we have been trying to reach you since yesterday!"

Yao Shen chances a look at his mobile phone, which is lying on the coffee table, its battery completely drained.

"I'm sorry, something came up..."

The assistant interrupts him, clearly in a hurry.

"Filming has been cancelled for today. The set has been swarmed with reporters since the announcement of Bi Jialu's arrest." She sighs, it's obvious she wishes this was happening on someone else's time. 

"Right..."There's a note of accusation in the assistant's voice that Yao Shen tries to ignore. He's tired of being everyone's scapegoat. 

The woman sighs again. "I'm sorry laoshi, all of this is very troubling. Maybe laoshi isn't aware, but yesterday night the police sent out a police car to interview a man suspect of being Bi Jialu's accomplice, but it resulted in a high speed chase. Anyway, the man careened off a bridge and into the river."

All of that happened yesterday? "Uh, no I had no idea," that's an understatement. 

On the other end of the line the woman chuckles. "That's not all. It turns out that he was the son of one of the men involved in the crime laoshi exposed! His father committed suicide in prison," she sighs again, extremely tired. Why can't these people die and kill themselves on her day off?

There's some noise from the other end of the line that might be the sound of her kicking over something, and then she says, "Anyway, it's a circus here. The production has hired extra security to keep the reporters at bay but they haven't arrived yet. I recommend laoshi stay put. It's best to avoid all of this, until tomorrow."

Yao Shen thanks her for her time and disconnects.

He finds Xin Hulei in the kitchen, making them breakfast.

"You're not gonna believe this," Yao Shen says, taking a seat on his usual counter.

Xin Hulei hums questioningly at him, and the domesticity of the scene hits Yao Shen all at once.

They can have as much of this as they want. That's what Yao Shen has to look forward to.

Perhaps with less death and suicide early in the morning, but still...

Seeing Xin Hulei's dark hair lit up by a halo of early morning sun coming in from the window makes something in Yao Shen unwind. 

The future might be uncertain, but Xin Hulei isn't.

Xin Hulei is the only constant in his life, past, present, and future.

---

After breakfast, they can no longer ignore the elephant in the room.

It's obvious Tan Liansi won't wake up on her own.

"Do you want to come with me?" Yao Shen asks.

Xin Hulei visibly tenses. "I'm sure I can guess what kind of scenarios she's stuck on," he shakes his head. "I don't think it's a good idea."

Yao Shen doesn't press the issue. He has his own ideas too, but maybe they're a little different from what Xin Hulei is assuming.

"I'm going to go check on Heimao and Jincan," Xin Hulei says, zipping a hoodie over his bare chest. "They're stuck in your hotel room with nowhere to go, considering the current situation."

Yao Shen smirks, imagining Jincan's outrage at being left there.

He kisses Xin Hulei, before he disappears in a flurry of flames, and then lies next to Tan Liansi on the sofa.

"Ok, let's get you back from wherever you've gone to," he says, closing his eyes and willing sleep to come.

---

Not long after Yao Shen finds himself in a meadow, somewhere that must have been green someday, but it's now covered in a thin layer of snow.

He looks up, and a snowflake falls right on his nose. The thin blanket of white won't remain thin for long.

Not far from him, two women in pale robes are talking under the white dotted branches of a pine tree. Yao Shen approaches them silently, his footsteps don't leave any marks on the fresh snow.

"You know now is not the time," one of them says, and tries to turn away, back towards the direction from where she came.

Tan Liansi holds her back. "Why not? What's stopping shijie from considering my sincere feelings?"

Mei Shuang turns around slowly, and gives Tan Liansi a searching look. They are of a height, but Tan Liansi looks younger than Mei Shuang, who looks like someone who is used to handle responsibilities far beyond her years.

She reminds Yao Shen of a willow branch, there's something beautiful and tragic about her. Her peach blossom eyes would have been seductive if not for the sadness that lies within them. But then again, a willow branch can just as easily be turned into a whip.

"There's something coming," her eyes narrow, and she looks up the dark skies and the falling snow. "I'm sure shimei can feel it too. The very air smells of change." She shakes her head. "Now it's not a good time to talk about feelings."

She turns to leave again, and once more, Tan Liansi stops her. "Then when? When will it be a good time?"

Mei Shuang considers this. "If what awaits us is a change for the better."

This time when she leaves Tan Liansi doesn't try to stop her. She watches her outline disappear in the white of the falling snow, and then falls to her knees on the white ground.

She lets out a single strangled sob, and hangs her head.

Yao Shen knows, from that sob alone, that this was the last time they talked, before Xie Huan and Yan Shuyi's death.

He kneels down beside Tan Liansi and wraps one arm around her thin shoulders.