Chapter 124 - My Costar Is Afraid

Of course Yao Shen wants to stay, but there's still the problem of Si Wang and the other ghost kings to deal with.

He bites his lower lip in deep thought. Unsure of how to balance what he wants to do and what he needs to do.

Xin Hulei is extending him an olive branch, and he wants badly to accept it.

Turning to Heimao, still standing still by the doorway, Xin Hulei says, "You can leave, I'll call you when dinner is ready."

It's clear he wants to stay and listen in to whatever they're going to stay. His curiosity made obvious by the excitable flicker of his cat ears.

After one last narrowed-eyed glance back at Xin Hulei, and a wink at Yao Shen, Heimao leaves.

"I'll rally the demons," Xin Hulei says, as soon as the door closes behind Heimao's back. "You don't need to talk with that Si Wang, the next time you return will be to attack."

Yao Shen sucks in a breath. "Are you sure?"

Xin Hulei hums. "As long as the demons are allowed to live in Youdu, I'll help."

"I still don't understand why there are demons outside Youdu to begin with? Didn't they leave Modu in time, and were forced to stay behind?"

Xin Hulei shakes his head. "Many of them wanted to stay, they didn't evacuate to the human realm like us."

"But why? All the demons I see around 'Hell on Earth' seem well. Many of you seem to lead nice lives on the human realm."

A muscle in Xin Hulei's jaw twitches, and some unbearable sadness clouds his eyes. "We'll never belong in the mortal realm. Many of us will never feel like anything but 'guests' here."

"Is that how you feel?" Yao Shen looks up into his dark eyes, trying to make sense of the myriad of emotions swimming there.

Most of all,  Xin Hulei's eyes speak of the specific brand of loneliness that comes with being alone in a crowded room.

It takes Xin Hulei some time to get his thoughts in order. "You've been to Youdu, you've seen how incredible it is."

Yao Shen nods. He still has trouble coming up with the adjectives to describe it, even after all his visits.

"Modu was like that too. There's nothing in the mortal realm that resembles it, nor will it ever. Modu was home, and now it's gone."

"That's why the other demons stayed?" Yao Shen asks. "Because they're holding out hope of rebuilding Modu?"

Xin Hulei shakes his head. "It might be the case for some, but many of the demons who retreated into the mortal realm have the same hope -- including Tan Liansi. No, they think it's only fair that they're allowed to live in Youdu. The Underworld doesn't belong to ghosts alone, and the ghost kings don't rule over all of it."

"They have a point." 

To Yao Shen it feels like an unspeakable cruelty for Youdu to do nothing while Modu crumbled under the violent darkness surrounding it, until eventually, nothing remained.

Slowly, Xin Hulei nods. "I didn't expect you to suggest that, but I'm glad you did. They deserve a home, and since Modu is no longer an option, it should be Youdu."

A thought crosses Yao Shen's mind. "Would you like to live in Youdu, too?"

"It's too early to say." 

The gurgle of the water boiling on the pan brings the conversation to an end as Xin Hulei returns his attention to cooking dinner.

Yao Shen watches him cook, thinking to himself that he'd like to follow Xin Hulei wherever he goes.

---

Yao Shen helps Xin Hulei set the table in the living room, once again overlooking the breathtaking Beijing skyline.

Heimao saunters in, wearing only a pair of low riding track pants. "Jincan says he's going to starve himself until he leaves." Just in case it isn't obvious enough, he points to Yao Shen who rolls his eyes.

Xin Hulei continues arranging serving bowls of rice, soy bean wraps, and shredded pork in sweet bean sauce. Yao Shen does love the characteristic sweet-and-sour taste of Beijing food, and just looking at the glossy brown pork makes his mouth water.

"He's missing out," he says, taking a seat next to Xin Hulei.

Heimao crosses his arms in front of his bare chest. "Didn't you hear me? Jincan says he doesn't want to eat."

Xin Hulei sits down too, and starts serving Yao Shen. "He's a spirit animal, he doesn't need to eat."

Heimao's handsome brow furrows in annoyance at Xin Hulei's dismissal. "He's upset, though."

Yao Shen links his fingers below his chin and gives Heimao an amused look. "You said before that Jincan locked himself in 'your' room. How does that work?"

Heimao shrugs. "I don't know, we share the guest bedroom."

Yao Shen exchanges a look with Xin Hulei who is now filling up his own bowl. "How many beds are in this guest room?"

"One," Xin Hulei says, not lifting his eyes from the food bowls.

"Do you like sleeping with Jincan, Heimao?" Yao Shen asks, his tone leading.

Heimao's frown deepens, but his human ears take on a red tinge. "What are you talking about? Bunch of nonsense..."

"When you go to bed tonight, hug Jincan really tight and see how it makes you feel." 

Heimao's cat ears twitch in confusion.

Yao Shen lets out a laugh. Despite all his roguish charm, and bravado when they first met, it's obvious Heimao had no idea about what he was implying.

Probably cheesy dialogue he picked up from watching TV all day.

Heimao shakes his head while making his way back to the bedroom. "Little beauty, you might have a few screws loose."

"You shouldn't tease them, they're still very ignorant regarding that kind of thing," Xin Hulei says, placing a few slices of pork on top of a soybean wrap, and folding the whole thing up with his chopsticks.

Yao Shen pours himself a cup of water with a grin. "I'm just trying to help Jincan move on."

"What a considerate stepfather," Xin Hulei says, completely deadpan.

Yao Shen smiles into his cup. "Everything for the children."

---

Neither Jincan or Heimao show up for dinner, but Xin Hulei leaves the table set for them all the same. Yao Shen helps him cover the bowls and plates of food in little plastic domes to keep the food fresh.

In the shower, he can't help thinking about Xin Hulei's motivations to take care of both of them. A reminder of home to keep his loneliness at bay. Two defenceless creatures who needed his care so he couldn't afford to fall into a pit of despair after everything he held dear crumbled into nothing.

And yet it's clear he has put a sincere effort into looking after them for the past who knows how many centuries.

He's so sweet, Yao Shen doesn't think he even realises.

When Yao Shen comes out of the bathroom, Xin Hulei is sitting up in bed, frowning at his mobile.

"What happened?" Yao Shen stops drying his hair and hangs the wet towel over the back of a chair.

"Liansi is complaining about some sort of smear campaign about her online," Xin Hulei says, the light from the screen throws the planes of his face into sharp relief making him appear brooding.

Yao Shen remembers the post he saw about Tan Liansi being a bully on the set of her other dramas. He takes a seat on the bed next to Xin Hulei. "Do you think this is related to us exposing the murderers?"

Xin Hulei nods. "They're powerful men, which means they have powerful families. This might be revenge, or their attempt to discredit us somehow."

"Our credibility is irrelevant. We aren't witnesses to the crime, we just found a video of it." 

"They'll still try." Xin Hulei shrugs. "Desperate people always do."

A sort of forlorn silence falls over them after that. 

Yao Shen can't help feeling as if he's trying to find his way through a deep fog. All he can see in front of him are blurry shapes. He has no idea what the days ahead look like.

"Are you going to drink your memories?" Xin Hulei asks, turning off the phone's screen and plunging the room into darkness, broken only by the yellow and red glow of the twinkling lights of the buildings outside.

Beijing nights can last for days.

It feels like a lifetime since Yao Shen has seen the sun.

He stretches his fingers out towards the window, trying to catch all the light through the glass.

Xin Hulei watches him silently.

"I don't know, I want to...but I'm also afraid," Yao Shen admits, after his efforts to catch the light between his fingers prove fruitless.

Xin Hulei pulls him up against his chest and links their fingers. He raises their joined hands towards the dizzying glow of the cityscape. "I think humans are afraid of the dark." Xin Hulei's warm voice on Yao Shen's nape raises all the fine airs along his skin. "They want to turn the night into day."

Yao Shen thinks of all the paper lanterns in Youdu, their warm glow permeating every street. He thinks Xin Hulei might be right, and it might be a fear that doesn't go away even after death.

"People fear what they can't see," Yao Shen says.

"What they can't understand."

"Maybe that's why I'm afraid of having the memories of my past life back."

Xin Hulei's fingers tighten around Yao Shen's. "I'm afraid too. Who will you be, after you get them back?"

Yao Shen turns around in Xin Hulei's arms, but before he can says anything Xin Hulei curls their joined hands around him and pulls him into a breathless kiss.