Chapter 17：I.Am.Not.Gay

Someone opens the door and enters the house while wiping sweat on his neck. "Goro is home.. おかえりなさい (okaerinasai - welcome home)," Takeshi's mother goes out of the kitchen and welcomes her other son. "ただいま(Tadaima - I'm home)," Goro mumbles. He puts his bag on the table then walks into the kitchen. He stops to see Takeshi sits facing the dining table.

"How are you, Goro ?" Takeshi greets and stretches his hand. "Fine," Goro replies toneless and touches Takeshi's hand shortly. Goro takes a glass then fills it full with water before he drinks it up. Takeshi sits as Goro also sits across him.

"You cooked too much food," Goro grumbles to see the table full with dishes. Takeshi's mother sits on the third side. "It's only once in a while. Beside, Takeshi is home. We can celebrate it," She answers while gently patting Takeshi's arm. Goro snuffles then takes his bowl and starts to fill it with shabu-shabu. Takeshi starts to eat the tepanyaki on his plate.

"What's so special about being a c-grade artist ?" Goro mutters with low voice, though Takeshi still can hear it. Takeshi stops his eating and sharply stares his big brother. But since Goro doesn't give further reaction, Takeshi decides to continue his eating.

Goro glances at Takeshi and plunges. "I thought you have forgotten the way to this house," he satirizes. Takeshi raises his head. "What do you mean ?" he asks with a full mouth. Goro shrugs. "It's more than a half year. I just thought being an artist makes you forget where you comes from," he says in even sharper tone.

Takeshi sighs trying to be patient. "I just finished a world-tour concert. That's why i couldn't go home," he tries to explain. Goro pouts. "You don't believe me ?" Takeshi dislikes his brother's pout. Goro grins. "Of course I believe. Even when you didn't say anything, I have already known it. Can't you see under the table, the bunch of newspapers and magazines that have articles about you are stacking there," Goro says. Takeshi furrows his brows hearing how scornful the tone is.

"We've always followed your news, dear," Their mother speaks in soft tone to cool down the temperature. "I'm so happy to read your concert's success. I'm so proud of you," she adds then holds Takeshi's hand.

"Yeah.. of course you're proud. You seem don't mind to have a gay son," Goro interrupts. At once Takeshi and his mother turn their heads to Goro with wide eyes. "Goro, watch your mouth!" His mother warns him in synch with Takeshi's yell, "WHAAT?!" Goro grins and stares back with a blade sight.

"I'm not a gay," Takeshi denies with an angry trembling voice. His hands are clenched. "Takeshi, Goro" Their mother 's rebuke are ignored as the two brothers continue their argument.

"If the news of your success is true, then the news about you being a gay should also be true, right ?" Goro attacks with insulting view.

"Shut up !"

"Why do you still hide it ? Mom already accepts that reality.. "

"Shut your f***ing mouth!!"

"We all know what is the cause. Oh.. or maybe, she left you because you are.."

Takeshi can no longer hold his anger. In instant, he roughly stands and towards Goro, which also does the same. Both stands up at each other and grabs each other's collars. "I have told you. I . Am . Not . Gay," Takeshi affirms, pressing each word while suppressing his overflowing anger.

"Takeshi, Stop!!" His mother shouts, stands between her sons trying to arbitrate the fight. She pull both hands out of the collars. She then angrily turns to Goro, "What's wrong with you ? Why did you talk about that ?" Goro snuffles and rearranges his collar then walks out of the dining room so rough that the table is moved with a loud noise.

"You know," says Goro suddenly stops in front of the door and sees Takeshi with darken eyes, "There is no smoke without a fire. You might be the son she is proud of, but for me you are no more than just a useless gay." With that sentence, Goro gets out of the house. Takeshi's blood is boiling. He walk fast to catch his brother with a fist that ready to punch. But his mother holds back his body by hugging from behind.

"Takeshi ! Let him be!" Takeshi punches hard the front door then bangs his head on it. "Stop it, Takeshi!! Just ignore him," His mother pleads in tears. Takeshi stands still, calms himself down, letting his mother cries on his back.

"He's just jealous. He hasn't been able to accept that you are more success than him now," his mother explains, "And that you are .. you are.. " Takeshi furrows his eyebrows and turns around facing his mother. "That I am what, Mom?" he urges her confirmation. "Nothing," she says.

"That I am a gay ?" he further urges. His mother throws her sight, avoiding his stares. Takeshi squeezes his mother's shoulders. "Tell me honestly, mom.. do you think I am gay ?" He places his both hands to her cheeks, forcing her to face him. She does not say a word. He awaits. He wants a confirmation. A simple "no". As a matter a fact, her eyes are dwelling in tears.

There is a sharp pain inside his chest. "I can't believe this," he sighs in full disappointment. He releases his mother's hug and walks to his room, but then stops in the middle.

"One thing that I have always prayed never to be happened, is when you stop believe in me," he says in a deep sadness.

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On his bed, Takeshi bending his knees sits. His heart is very disappointed. His eyes just blankly stare the wall across him. His chest is still in pain. But, it is really not about the gay/no-gay issue that causes the pain.

It started a few moths ago when he was overseas. Out of nowhere there was a gossip in Japan that he was dating a guy. He didn't understand how such cheap gossip could exist. He decided not to give it a bother, since it was so cheesy and unimportant while he was so busy. He believed that ones who believe that gossip were only those who didn't know him well. So he had never thought to give any clarification. Who would have thought, that his own family, ones that are considered the closest believe that gossip. That what causes the pain.

Takeshi sighs to lighten his chest. With his fingers, he combs his hair behind, as if he can also put his disappointment far away behind. Unpurposely, he sees a pile of papers out of his bag pack. Slowly he bends to reach the bag and drags it closer. He takes the papers. There are about 300 sheets of his fans' letters and email prints. Takeshi starts to diligently read each line of them.

Takeshi flips a page. His chest is no longer in pain. He smiles to read that one of his fans just having a son and she names him Takeshi. But his smile is fading to read the next message of a fan telling that she didn't believe the gay rumor. Whatever is happened she only believes in Takeshi's words. Some more messages and letters tell the same thing. Takeshi's sight becomes blur. These people who he doesn't even know, some may never even met, sincerely believe him. While his mother and brother doubt him.

The door is knocked. "Come in, Mom," Takeshi asks. His mother opens the door and enters his room. Takeshi slightly moves to give a space for the woman he loves the most to sit. She sits and watches him closely. She caress his cheek.

"Forgive me," she asks in softer voice. He hugs his mother tight for a full minute. He only lets her go when he feels his shoulder was wet. "Don't cry, Mom," he gently requests. His mother shakes her head and smiles.

"I believe you. Will always believe in you," she promises. Takeshi stares at her. All the pain is gone. "Thank you, Mom. You have no idea, how much it means to me," he says trembling as his heart being touched.