Chapter 289: Not Going to Live in Fear

"I don't want to die," she said as she pushed herself up into a sitting position, leaning back against the stack of pillows.

Mo Qingchen nodded. "I know. But… you thought you would. I married you with the promise that I would shield you from everything and I failed." His eyes filled with guilt.

"Stupid man."

Mo Qingchen came to sit on the bed with her, handing her the cup of tea. He made a stack of pillows for himself right next to her so that he was sitting close. She could feel his eyes on her as she took the first little sip. 

"Why did you call me stupid?"

Qian Meng gave a forced snort. "Do you think you are a god? Or do you have the power of seeing the future?" she asked. 

"Neither, unfortunately." He blinked. "I thought I did."

Qian Meng frowned. 

Mo Qingchen changed the topic quickly. "Do you think you'll be able to sleep?" he asked her. "You look so exhausted."

"No," she responded with a slight shake of her head. "But you should."

"I am fine." He would not get any sleep for the next couple of days just thinking about what happened.

"There is no point in your staying up with me. It's not going to do any of us good." She was stubborn. 

"If I fall asleep… you'll be alone." There was mild fear in his voice. What if he fell asleep and went to another world? What if Qian Meng was left all along… scared. 

"So what?" she shrugged. 

"You may think that you don't care or that you want to be alone, but you don't," Mo Qingchen said gruffly. 

Qian Meng looked over at him, surprised. "And how do you know what I am feeling?" she challenged. 

Mo Qingchen smiled. At least her fighting spirit was slowly coming back.

"I know because I have been there. I feared someone I should have loved. I would have given my life for it to have not happened. You're just starting to get scared. You don't know if you want to be around anyone or if you want to be scared by yourself and not let anyone else see you like that." He stopped and inspected her expression. 

"Being alone may sound nice but it is the darkest there. Even if you are by yourself, you won't be alone. The fear will be with you. And then you will be by yourself in the silence, all of the distractions gone. You won't be able to ignore it. It will stare at you right in your face. You will learn to cope with it over time but it will be too much right now."

Qian Meng tried to understand what he was talking about. 

"How do you know? What were you scared of the most?" she asked. 

"My dad. And pain." 

Qian Meng didn't know what to say. She briefly understood but couldn't wrap her head around it. "Your dad… hit people?" she had to clarify.

"Just my mother," he said without emotion. "He wanted us scared of him and unafraid of everything else. I was scared of him at first, but then I really hated him. I really hated what my mother called love and marriage." He still did.

"I'm sorry," was all she could say.

Mo Qingchen's eyes seemed to soften, but otherwise, he continued on as if she had said nothing. As if he had not revealed a dark secret of his.

"So, no. I am not going to sleep if you are not. I am not going to make you talk about it if you don't want to. Because it won't help either way. But I am here to listen if you want to. And if you don't, I will still be here with you. You don't get the option of letting me stay or not. Because I did get that option and made the wrong choices and it effectively killed me inside."

They just stared at each other. She wasn't sure what to think of Mo Qingchen's little speech. She knew that it was coming from a good place, but just as he had said, a part of her just yearned to not show him this weakened side of her.

Part of her also wanted to argue with him and make him sleep, but she didn't have the energy. At least, he wasn't going to make her talk. She figured she could deal with him staying awake.

It was about forty-five minutes that she did want to talk, so she spilled it all out.

"I felt someone watching me within a few seconds of stepping out. But I just chalked it up to stress," she whispered into the semi-darkness.

They had both finished their tea by then and were lying down. She was facing him on her side as he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. A pillow remained between them as she hugged it.

"What happened next?"

"I'm not really sure. I kept looking over my shoulder to make sure if my gut was right. And it was." She paused. "Why did he tail me?" she cried out. 

"I don't know for sure, but I will find out. The reason might hurt you more… so for now, be a little selfish and don't ask questions, okay?" he pleased.

She shook her head defiantly. "No, I am not going to live in fear. I am not going to miss out on precious time because some psychopath wants to harm me."

Mo Qingchen sighed. "I understand. But it's a double-edged sword. I am not going to let you in harm's way. The last time I promised, I wasn't careful enough. Now, you'll have a bodyguard with you at all times."

He was resolute.

"Why didn't you ask me about that, Mo Qingchen?"

"I don't need to ask you about that. You were not safe today. Having someone guarding you will at least give you relief. You won't be looking over your shoulder. I will pick them out meticulously," he said firmly.