Chapter 81 - What If

It was the anniversary of Qian Meigui's parent's deaths. And like every year, remembering them on this day, it was difficult for her. She remembered the months that followed after they died, she wouldn't sleep, and when she did, Qian Meigui would scream because of her nightmare's. Song Sheng was the one who slept on the armchair next to her bed for weeks, waiting until she fell asleep — waiting to hold her hand if she needed it.

During the nights when he was abroad, she found herself stretching out, reaching out for him, but all she felt was the cold air and not the warmth of his hand.

Song Sheng visited the graves with her every year, except for the two when he was out of the country.

Qian Meigui dressed in black, preparing her makeup when she felt unmotivated to leave her room. Feeling the pain again, she crouched down, arms folded over her legs, by the bedside on the floor. She heard a knock, but she did not say a word. She looked at the wall, dazed.

She heard someone open the door, closing it shut, approaching her. Song Sheng crouched down, sitting next to her. Without saying a word, he, too, began to stare at the wall.

Despite her mood, Qian Meigui couldn't help but curl her lips. Song Sheng was the person who understood her the most. She hated apologies and condolences; she hated when people asked her if she was all right because she wasn't. It was obvious. But he sat next to her, silently, waiting for her until she was ready.

Qian Meigui moved her hand over, to grasp his; Song Sheng was warm. He then looked at her, smiling slightly. She couldn't help it. Qian Meigui moved over, leaning against his shoulder. He tightened his grip on her hand. He turned his head to kiss her on her forehead, granting her a reassuring touch.

After a few moments, Qian Meigui gathered herself. She slowly rose from the floor, and Song Sheng followed her movements, towering her once again.

"I thought you would be waiting outside for me," she asked with a slight choked-up tone.

Song Sheng placed a hand in her hair, caressing it. "I know this day is always the hardest for you," he said with sad, gentle eyes. Qian Meigui wondered why the world worked in such mysterious ways. When her parent's died, she felt like she lost everything and that there was no point for her to continue to exist. But Song Sheng greeted her with opened arms, then his siblings. It took a while for Yang Rei to accept her, but eventually, she came around and treated her like a daughter as well. She was alone, but then she wasn't because of the Song family.

Qian Meigui wondered if her parents didn't die, would she still meet Song Sheng? Would they ever cross paths? She'd like to hope so.

She imagined her parent's alive. That one day, when she was old enough, she would meet the Song family during a party or an event. Song Sheng would catch her eye, but he wouldn't be looking at her. But then her father would introduce her to him; he still wouldn't look at her, wouldn't be interested because he was older, because he was handsome and many women pined after the young man with the black hair and gold-flecked eyes.

But later, she would keep meeting him at more family-friend events. But then she would stop going because life got too busy as a teenager. But once she was an a.d.u.l.t, a grown woman, she would catch his eye. And this time, it would be him who doesn't look away. He would ask Song Ren to remind him about who she was. Song Ren would then tease him about his atrocious memory and about his sudden interest in a girl.

The two of them would gravitate like magnets, stealing glances, meeting eyes but looking away quickly because it was embarrassing. But then Song Sheng would invite her to dance, and she would shyly accept. People would gasp because Song Sheng was not the type to dance publicly or pursue a woman. But that night would be unforgettable to both of them.

Then their lives would get busy again, not seeing each other much. Then one day, her father asks her to go to a marriage meeting with the son of a good friend. She says no, but her father would encourage her to do so. She goes, reluctantly, but then it's him she's meeting. Song Sheng. And he's surprised to see her too. But they would meet and talk, and the rest would be history.

But Qian Meigui did not like to dwell on the What If's.

Song Sheng was here, in front of her, with her now. Song Sheng let go of her because they had to get through the house without holding hands or showing any affection.

He placed his hands in the pockets of his long black coat, walking ahead of her. She descended the stairs behind him, passing by Song Rui and Yang Rei, who was in the study room, the door wide open. Song Sheng strode quickly, trying to avoid his parent's. His face masked with taut reserve.

Qian Meigui exhaled deeply. She wasn't angry or annoyed, but she wished they got along. Song Sheng and Song Ren were lucky to have a big, full family, and yet they weren't on the best terms with their father.

Once they exited the house, Song Sheng began to walk slower so that she could catch up. He leads her to the car, opening the car door for her. As she entered, he fastened her seatbelt for her.

Song Sheng drove, keeping one hand on the wheel, and his free hand clasped around hers. They drove silently on the way.

Like every time, her heart often felt heavy whenever she saw the cemetery. Song Sheng opened the car door for her.

He kept a hand on her back as they walked while Qian Meigui held her hands together, because of how sad she felt.

When they approached the graves, her parent's were resting next to each other. Qian Meigui looked at the names, dazed: QIAN SHANYUAN and QIAN AIGUO.

Qian Meigui stared at the names, lost in space. After a few moments, she turned to face Sheng whose eyes were closed, praying. He always prayed for them; nothing's changed.

She exhaled deeply, thanking them for being good parent's, for being there for her since birth, even if their time together was cut short. Song Sheng reached out to hold her hand. Qian Meigui also thanked her parent's for placing her into the care of the Song family. She couldn't imagine herself with anyone else. They treated her well.

Without them, she wouldn't realize how amazing each one of them was: Song Ren was brilliant and tough; Song Jinyi was cheerful and vibrant; Song Jun was shy but resourceful; Song Sheng was everything she hoped him to be. He was reserved but kind; he was there for people whenever they needed it most. He was her lover.

Although her parents weren't with her now, she knew they would have liked him.

Holding his hand, she walked away with him after paying their final respects. She looked at the man next to her, and she smiled. All these years, she felt like she never deserved happiness, because they were gone, but she was still here. But now, she realized she did deserve happiness, and it was being with him. With Song Sheng, she felt like she was at home.