Chapter 224 - Guilt

Endra deftly grabbed the incoming girl's arm and lifted it above him slightly. 

"Best not to do that," Endra said, in the manner most unlike Evin.

Bella looked at him with some suspicion before pulling back her arm.

"Evin?"

Endra shook his head and chinned towards the door. "Probably best to talk in your room."

"What happened to Evin?" Bella seemed to notice something was off. 

Endra debated laying out the truth immediately and ending things, but decided against it. If he was going to stab someone in the heart, he was at least going to do it in the comfort of their room. 

Heedless of Bella's questioning gaze, he walked through the door and headed towards the girl's room. Soon enough, he heard Bella following behind him.

The trip was quick, but the silence was choking. If it was like this for Endra, he couldn't imagine what it was like for Bella. He hastened his steps and the two arrived. 

They entered the room and Endra turned to Bella and a hand wrapped around his waist. "Idiot. Is this your idea of scaring me?" Bella said with a chuckle.

She spoke teasingly, but Endra could see the nervousness in her eyes. Desperately, she wanted to believe this whole thing was a joke.

'You could act as if everything's a joke,' a thought appeared in his head, but he immediately killed it.

He wasn't going to treat Bella like a child.

Endra held back a grimace and gently removed her hand. Containing his emotions, he sighed resolutely.

"Evin is dead," Endra spoke as briefly as he could. "I destroyed his soul and took control of his body."

He would talk about how he came to meet Twelve and entered the World of Souls if Bella asked. The little trip to the North and everything were things Bella deserved to know.

But he wasn't going to talk about how Twelve's ultimatum. He wasn't going to talk about how the Aspect urged him into killing Evin. He was also not going to explain his tragic backstory and how Evin and him were trying to separate for a while now. In the end, they were worthless excuses. 

What had happened had already happened, and certain things couldn't simply be forgotten or forgiven.

"What are you talking about? S-stop joking around, Evin," Bella said with a shaky voice.

If anyone else heard these words, they really would've thought it was a joke, but Bella knew about Endra. She talked to him already. She would want to think it's all a joke, but deep down she would know. He didn't need to explain everything to her. 

"If you want to believe I'm still Evin, go ahead," Endra said. "But we should probably keep to each other from now on."

If he was honest, then Endra would've liked to keep in contact with Bella, but that's not something his human decency would allow. 

'The relationship thing didn't work out, but maybe we can still hang out… Yeah, probably not the best thing to say,' Endra thought, looking at the girl's disbelieving face. 

He wanted to say something else, but he found his head empty of words. He took it as a sign that he should leave. Keeping his expression level, he pushed the door open. 

"If you have questions, then you can ask…" Endra said and walked out. Urged by something inside him, he looked back. "This is not how I thought things would happen. With Evin and I."

'Meaningless words…' 

He immediately regretted saying that. But he was also surprised at himself for thinking this way. 

So he did become attached to Bella. It almost felt refreshing. If he was still a spirit, he definitely would've stalked the girl. In a way, it wasn't so surprising. It wasn't like he had anyone else to interact with.

It was hard to keep his emotions in check with all these thoughts swirling in his head. He needed to leave. 

Without further delay, he closed the door and made his way to his room. A few steps later, his feet headed outside, to the city. After that, he would find a fucking liquor shop.

Thirty minutes later, Endra was slowly drinking alone in a random inn's room. He wanted to go around searching for any kind of drugs or psychedelics, but decided he was just going to get himself wasted. 

A part of him worried for his safety, but Endra couldn't allow himself to care for those worries much more. What was the point of living if he couldn't get drunk when he wanted to?

And he didn't just want to get drunk. He needed to get wasted. 

After a knock on the door, a barmaid came in to put some food on the table. It was enough to feed ten people. Seeing Endra alone holding a row of hard alcohol next to him, the barmaid made a face and walked out silently. 

"Cheers for my miserable state," Endra said and chugged from another bottle. "Everyone's lives are miserable, anyway… Those fucking Buddhists were really onto something."

Without worry, he started wolfing down the food in front of him and heedlessly drinking. 

Slowly, the mess of thoughts in his head was being untangled. One by one, his worries disappeared into nothingness and Endra felt his mood turning giddy.

At some point, he realized he wasn't acting like this because of his conversation with Bella. He was acting like this because of his killing of Evin. He thought he was doing fine, taking his time with his emotions and all, but apparently he was ready to explode. 

And his confession to Bella was the catalyst of it all. 

"Bah… don't think about those things…" he chided himself and drank more. 

Immediately, he felt his worries subside.

"Everyone should get wasted sometimes. Especially that motherfucker, Kent."

Endra wondered how the man would act when he was drunk. Would he act like a mouth-breathing idiot, or would he go silent? Endra soon realized Kent would never allow himself to get drunk in the first place. It was easy for mages to control that.

"Motherfucker… You talk from a high horse about not feeling the guilt of your actions and just moving on, but why don't you know that it fucking stings like hell?"

Endra couldn't just kill someone he loved and act normal afterwards. 

Another drink. 

Countless retired soldiers faced mental issues. 

The ignorant ones say that if it as them, they'd just fucking kill the enemies they face and return to society as if nothing had happened. Most of them had never been in a brawl before. They were idiots who knew nothing about how their mind and body worked.

The simple truth was that humans were designed to connect with others. And when they couldn't do that, or acted as in a way that pushed them apart from others, their minds would immediately make them feel like the worst garbage imaginable to the world. 

So it didn't matter whether a soldier killed with good intentions or not. 

Their brains were designed to hurt over the murder of others. Morality was engraved in their genes and some things, it just couldn't let go. 

"Pointless thoughts…" Endra chided himself again. 

It was a chore that the human mind couldn't not think, but Endra knew he would soon forget about it all. Even now, he was struggling to stay awake. He hadn't even finished half the food he'd ordered, but there was no helping that. 

…