Chapter 136

Chapter 136

Translator: yun

Even the hand that was carefully wrapped around mine felt sweet. As I collapsed into the warmth I could not resist, I lowered my head. 

“Today I saw a festival. After looking around the market and grabbing something to eat, I spotted some paper windmills. I also ate meat skewers and saw the fountain at the large square. And the faces of the people I saw firsthand looked so happy. And I would never be able to forget the melody I heard during my happiness.”

Turning my head, I wondered what expression I had on my face. Even though I was not looking in the mirror, I knew. My face must have been a mess right now. 

“You know, Dane. Everything I talked about was something I would never be able to see again for the rest of my life. I would have never been able to see it otherwise.”

The freedom I had abandoned for a long time could be found in my memories of today. I wanted to be free. And I wanted to be happy. 

Happiness. I rolled the word around my tongue. No one could explain exactly what it meant but everyone knew what it was. Living with one such memory.

My hopes were both a cocoon and an egg. The moment a butterfly awakens, it disappears. Eggs disintegrate as soon as the baby bird is born. 

The hopes I had been holding for a long time. It had rotted because it had been held inside for too long. I thought it had been alright to live like this. I did not know what I wanted for myself. Until I spotted the rainbow in front of the fountain, I didn’t even know I had desired for freedom. Because this life of surviving, dying and surviving again had been so natural to me. 

“If you had wanted to get out of here, I would have helped you do it. One way or another.”

I forced myself to nod. Trying to smile, I spat out nonsense so that we could move on.

“What crime would you be charged with for helping me run away? The crime of aiding and abetting my escape from the Empire?”

“Do I look like I’m joking to you?”

Dane smiled but the smile looked different from before. 

“Do you want me to show you the extent of what I can do?”

“No. If it’s an escape, Fleon was the one who suggested it.”

If I hated everything, I should run away and live elsewhere. I smiled helplessly. 

“But how can I even do that? How could I want to do it?”

Could I do that? I could never get rid of this heart that loved and cared for them.

“It’s not that, Dane. I want to be happy with all of us together.”

I felt it especially as I watched the various people at the festival. People could be happy together. 

“What if I threw everything I had to my name as a princess away? I won’t need to avoid death and live while watching out for my safety. But I can’t do that. I realised that I can’t be happy alone.”

If the names of any of the people who were in this room appeared in the diary, I would be unbearably distressed. 

“I don’t think I’d be able to stand it if I lose Dane or Fleon.”

The time for disguises had passed. 

“Everyone… listen to me.”

After coming back to life after dying dozens of times, I wished that I could stay human. I was not a monster. I longed for affection. I could no longer be a heartless human being. I did not want to be. Because that was Castor’s image as he killed me. 

“I have a secret. That I can’t tell anyone.”

I rubbed my eyelids before smiling back. To calmly bring out the sadness within instead of imploding with it. 

“12 years old. I went through something I would not be able to forget for the rest of my life. And I thought I would never be able to tell you even after living out this life. For a long time.”

I swept down the back of my diary with my hand, I spoke in a soft voice as if something was going to break. 

“Is it because you changed your mind?”

Fleon, who had been silent all this time, asked a question.

“Well… I don’t think I changed my mind.”

I still did not want to let them know about my terrible memories. 

When I closed my eyes, I could see a white space as big as I could see. Dozens of knights standing in a line with someone’s black hair fluttering in the wind. I called out a different order to the last remaining maid. Then, the sound of footsteps. I had dreamt that scene hundreds, no, thousands of times. 

“What do I mean to you?”

Perhaps I would regret the decision I was currently making. But I wanted to stop smiling because I finally felt relieved. 

“I can tell the future.”

I quickly added.

“A future that’s usually associated with something very ominous like death.”

Dane stared at me with an unknown expression. 

“I have been seeing my death since I was 13.”

His expression looked both sad and sympathetic but at the same time, he still looked aloof and calm as if he had already known everything. 

He was my brother who had been too mature for his age since I was a child. Sometimes he would stare off into the distance and make an expression that would not perfectly suit someone of his age. 

Just like what he was doing now. 

“And I’ve seen them very often.”

The eyes that were starting to glow like the sun started to open and shine more clearly as they continued to stare at me alone. The puzzle pieces I did not know about and the spring I thought I could never understand seemed to only return to Dane. (1)

“And I’m going to continue to see them in the future. My deaths and that of the people around me.”

“I knew”

I was not the only one who was flustered by his calm response. 

“… I didn’t know though?”

“That’s because you’re you, brother.”

“I too… didn’t know.”

“That’s because you’re you, Ray.”

Then I spotted the two people pondering over whether they were that clueless. Rather, I wanted to tell them that their reactions were normal. 

I stared blankly at Dane who was smiling quietly. I did not know what to say so I could not say anything. 

‘Why aren’t you surprised?’

Dane pulled me in and held my cheeks as he always did. Even after fitting the puzzle piece correctly, he did not seem too happy. 

“It was hard, wasn’t it?”

Dane spoke to me with a low and friendly voice. 

“Dane, why are you saying that? It’s weird.”

“It’s not weird.”

For an unknown span of time, Dane had been watching the expression I made unknowingly. 

“… You knew about my death?”

For a moment, I felt like I was being silly. 

“Yeah. It’s not weird. It’s not your fault.” 

I slowly looked at Dane before blinking. So many things were passing my head that I could not form any coherent sentences. And I could not open my sticky mouth. 

The roof of my mouth and the back of my throat felt hot as if I had just scalded them with hot soup. Trying to swallow the heat, I closed my eyes. When the heat rose again, I stared at him. 

The comfort I received for the first time was both overwhelming and depressing. 

There were words I could not share with Amor because we were going through it together. Because we did not want to pity each other, we didn’t talk about the pain we had. Naturally, we did not comfort each other either. Amor and I did not decide on any implicit rules but we still followed some nonetheless. So, although we could be  comrades, I could not expect to lean on him like a tree. Because we were too busy dealing with how bad and inescapable our situation was. No, maybe it was just me. 

compared  to Fleon’s current flustered reaction, Dane was being too calm. Fleon stared at our direction with an incredulous expression before sweeping down his cheeks. 

“Is there a way to stop it?”

“… I can avoid it. That’s how I survived.”

The conversation ended more smoothly than I thought it would. When I first confessed to Amor, I had been very hesitant and agonised over it a lot but the words came out easily. It was so easy I almost ran out of steam. 

Was this easy because of experience? 

“… The future is written on the last few pages.”

“Yes, for people who are not me, these pages would just look like empty sheets of paper.”

I glanced at his expression which had become more serious. 

“So, we really can’t see it…”

It was something I found out while showing the diary to other people. I found out that this book looked like an ordinary diary to other people. Over the table, I could see Dane’s elegant profile as he seemed to agonise over it alone. 

So, to them, it was just a princess’ ordinary diary which she used to record her daily life and rather than seeing the entries of my deaths, they would see entries of me eating food. The pages for the entries that were going to occur in the future were empty. 

“I wonder why you’re the only one who can see it?”

I got my diary back from Fleon who was flipping through my diary. He stared at the back of the book with mixed feelings. 

“Was this perhaps made out of divinity?”

“No, brother. Thai is the first time I have ever heard of such an artifact.”

Even Amor could not see what was inside. It was a good thing he could not. He could think I was strange… No, Amor already thought I was a little strange. 

“But it’s possible that we just didn’t know about it yet.”

Even after opening it again, I could see the diary entries clearly. The sentences were written in detail about what was going to happen from tomorrow till  the end of one and a half months worth of entries. 

‘So only I could see this?’

It had been an unusual object from the moment I saw it. But why did it look like an extremely normal diary in the eyes of people who were not me? My suspicions were growing. 

“That’s an artifact.”

“An artifact?”

“Yes. An item with a god’s divinity imbued in it.”

Obviously, Castor was the one that mentioned it but Dane and Fleon had never seen anything like it. Even though Fleon might not know anything, Dane’s knowledge was vast beyond his age. Even a scholar was admitting that it was something he knew nothing about. Then, should I believe what Castor said about it?

I really did not know where to start digging. It felt like there were only question marks for keywords.

“So, you’ll be dying in a month and half from now?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Probably.”

The predictions of my death had never been wrong. 

“Hell.”

Fleon clenched his teeth and stared at the small diary. It was so fierce it looked like it could tear the diary apart. 

“So this has been bothering you all this while?”

Fleon’s coldness dissipated. 

“It’s alright.”

“What’s alright with you dying!”

In response to my calm reply, Fleon became furious and raised his voice at me.

“I’m alright.”

I quietly replied without responding to his hostility. The wheezing of his pants hit me before my cheeks were caught and forcibly raised. He squeezed my cheeks causing my mouth to jut out like a carp’s.

“You’re always alright. But what is?”

“…..”

The voice that leaked out from his gritted teeth was filled with anger. 

“What’s alright?”

My vision was filled by my brother’s face. He was staring at me with that handsome face of his with a fierce and threatening look. At the same time, I could feel his tremors and the weakness in his hands that he could barely give strength to. 

“… You moron. I can tell from your face that you’re not alright.”

I thought he was going to pinch me soon but his hands fell off my face too easily. I was staring at Fleon without realising it. He was staring at me with a complicated expression filled with pain. 

“Don’t look at me as if you don’t know anything. Damn!”

I looked at him for a long time as he looked like he was struggling to get the words out before taking his hand. The breaths released from him grazed past my face.

“A person who really doesn’t care… wouldn’t make an expression like that.”

What was my expression like? I could feel a prick in the corner of my chest. I did not like seeing my brother’s arrogant expression crumpled as he swept his expression roughly. 

‘I’m sorry.’

T/N:

I know I missed more than a week’s worth so the next few chappies will be double updates

(1): idk…