111 Volume 5: Part 1 This Hurts Me More Than You

Jin had been restless all morning, clinging to Mei Hua even more than usual. They were eating lunch and he'd sat so close she almost didn't have room to move her arms to perform the simple action of eating.

"What's wrong with you?!" She demanded, slamming her chopsticks down on the table in annoyance.

He looked at her pitifully, "I'm getting my time in while I can."

"What?"

"Soon, every second is going to be a battle."

"…why are you speaking nonsense?"

In the middle of her complaint an audible thud could be heard from outside, causing her to jump slightly and Jin to sigh. There was the sound of heavy footsteps and then the door was swung open so violently, the hinges screeched in protest.

"MOTHER!"

Shan Hui's hair and clothes were a mess from flying as fast as possible to get home, but his face was lit with joy when he saw her. His expression was mirrored by his Mother, who stood up at his entrance and ran over to him.

"Shan Hui! My Baby!" She cried out.

Shan Hui met her half way and they both embraced tightly. They stayed that way for several minutes, basking in the joy of their reunion.

"Shan Hui, Little Shan, I've missed you so much!" Mei Hua finally said, separating so she could get a better look at him. "Ah! You haven't grown at all since I last saw you!" She reached out and tweaked his nose. "Why must you insist on being a child forever, hm?"

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This was a common complaint from her that, when he was younger, he'd found annoying. He'd explained over and over again why, but it was as if his Mother turned a deaf ear to his explanations. He knew that meant she disapproved of his reasoning, but from his perspective she never gave a convincing counter argument so he turned an equally deaf ear to her nagging. They'd long ago reached a stalemate over the issue because of it.

But now he was happy to be nagged.

He grinned cheekily and said, "I'll be your child forever Mother."

"Silly boy, even if you're an old grandpa, you'll still be my child!"

"If it doesn't matter, then I might as well look the part."

Mei Hua rolled her eyes in exasperation while bringing him back in for another hug.

"Nevermind, nevermind," She pat his head affectionately, "The important thing is you've returned home."

"En, I'm home." He replied, relishing the warmth and scent of his Mother's body while his spirit basked in her cooling shadow.

Only with his Mother did he feel relaxed enough to be truly happy. She was like a healing balm that gave instant relief for an injury. It didn't fix the underlying problem, but it made the pain go away for a time. When she wasn't there, his soul felt raw and exposed, like skin exposed to the sun for too long.

All the men in their family suffered from this feeling to some degree or other. His younger brothers, however, lucked out by being 'more human' than he or his Old Man. Yes, it made them physically weaker and more prone to problems common to men, but they at least didn't have the feeling of being on a constant razor's edge. As if at any moment they might descend into madness and kill everyone around them.

When he was younger, he didn't really understand his own nature, only that being around his Mother felt very good and when his Old Man hogged her attention, he felt very bad. He'd treated his Old Man ruthlessly as a result, not even showing an ounce of pity.

Now that he was older and understood himself better, Shan Hui could only begrudgingly admit his Old Man had an impressive amount of self-control. It might even be to a degree that would get him classified as respectable. Not only was his Old Man able to restrain the raging fire within, the one tiny source of relief he found in his wife he shared with his sons.

Though it pained Shan Hui to admit it, in this area, he really was lacking compared to his Old Man. If he'd been in the same situation, there's no way he'd have been so generous. If he ever found someone like his Mother, someone who could relieve the ache, who would be his and his alone, he'd never share that with anyone else. Not with the world, not with his family, not with any potential children. He'd never allow for children, just so that he could monopolize her.

He knew such thinking was wrong.

How could he not know? His parents were glaring examples of why such thinking was wrong. If his Old Man had the same mindset as him, would he even exist today? Of course not! But knowing he was wrong wasn't the same as being able to change. He knew if he ever wanted something like what his Old Man had, he'd need to change that part of himself. Otherwise his possessiveness would destroy anything he truly cared about. But he just didn't know how.

No amount of rational thinking could help him when he lost his temper. This lack of impulse control was really his greatest flaw, right next to his inability to beat his Old Man in a one-on-one fight. Thinking this far, he felt a wave of intense regret.

His lack of control had already done a great deal of damage in his life.

He gently separated from his Mother, face stiff and shoulders drooping. Taking a few steps away from her, he got down on his hands and knees and put his forehead to the ground.

Mei Hua looked at her son's actions in confusion.

"What're you--"

"Punish this son."

Mei Hua gave a perplexed frown. Her son never spoke formally to her unless he really felt guilty about something.

"...what is it you did?"

"Mother, this son has harmed you with his disobedience."

Her eyebrows rose in surprise. She glanced at Jin for confirmation, only to see him shake his head slightly, his expression indifferent. She relaxed slightly at his response. If Shan Hui had really done something like he was claiming, Jin would not be so calm.

She walked back to her chair and sat down, crossing her legs, one hand casually placed on her knee. While her son had enough pride to fill an ocean, this inversely meant that when he lowered himself to apologize, he really wouldn't let go until he was satisfied with the punishment he'd received. She was prepared for a verbal battle.

"Strange that you did something like that but I, the victim, don't recall it."

"Mother does not remember because this son hid it." Shan Hui explained, "Does Mother remember the young woman from the Gong Family who ripped her dress at your birthday party? Auntie Pei Zhi's youngest daughter was still a baby at the time."

Mei Hua blinked and squinted, searching her memory for the incident. After thinking for a few moments, she nodded and said, "I remember."

"This son told you he'd take care of the young woman so you could enjoy your party. Do you remember that too?"

"....I do."

Shan Hui, still bowed with his head to the floor, hesitated for a moment before quickly explaining, "This son was very annoyed with that young woman for disturbing your birthday. When he went and talked to her, this son discovered she was being deceitful from start to finish. To get her to tell the truth, this son tortured her a bit. Broke a few bones in her body--"

"YOU WHAT!"

"--I had the Fairy Doctor heal her, so there was no lasting harm." He self interjected before continuing what he'd been saying, "Only after such light torture--"

"How is broken bones light?!" Mei Hua's muttered, her relaxed posture had disappeared and she was glaring at her son angrily. Jin, who knew what was coming, used the wind to dry the sweat that formed on his brow.

"--did she finally reveal the truth: she'd been tasked by her Father, then Head of the Gong Family, to seduce the eldest son of the Mountain Lord. Her scheming skills were too simple; all she could think of was to tear her dress as a pretext to stay longer in the Palace. From there, she would find other excuses and eventually win this son's affection and marry into the family. Her father thought that once this son married his daughter, we would naturally favor them over the Wu Family. Thus, they'd gain control of the Old Man's wealth and the shipping lines through the mountains."

Mei Hua gave a single disdainful laugh. Regardless of what Shan Hui had done, this girl and her father had behaved outrageously too. Dare try to use her and her family to go after the Wu Family? In their dreams! If she'd found out, though she wouldn't have broken any bones, she definitely wouldn't have let them off either.

Thinking this, she pursed her lips and said, "Though what you did was wrong, they share some blame for provoking you."

"This son is grateful for your understanding."

"Is this what you want me to punish you for?" She raised an eyebrow. "It would be more suitable to apologize directly to the family than have me punish you."

"This son only brings this incident up because it's related." Shan Hui paused for a moment before continuing, voice strained. "The Young Miss of the Gong Family was related to royalty in her country. At the time, this son didn't pay attention to such details, didn't think they were relevant. Her influence through her maternal family allowed her to spread many vicious rumors about our Huang Family in the East."

"Ah…. so that was the source of all those strange rumors." She tapped her finger on the arm of the chair she was sitting on. "I always thought you and your Father were hiding them from me, thinking I'd be upset about people talking ill of us. But it was actually just to hide what you'd done…"

Her eyes suddenly slid to Jin, who was doing a very good job of looking like he was an unrelated third party. Jin sensed the hard look his wife was giving him and increased his interest in the tea he was drinking.

"Mother, though the Old Man is worthless for a lot of things," Jin stiffened slightly at the insult, "in this case he was looking out for you. This son… was trying to in his own way as well."

Mei Hua stared at her husband a few more seconds before turning her attention back on her son, who had continued talking.

"At the time, this son didn't know anything about the Eastern countries, he did not care. He didn't know that the Eastern merchants were, for many years, careful in what information got out about the Huang Family. They did so to protect their business interests, yes, but it also benefited us. Our anonymity meant the Eastern ruling class took no notice of us. But when the rumors spread… particularly among the nobility… the rulers became curious about us.... this son didn't know just how vicious the rulers of the Eastern countries could be, how the prospect of some insignificant wealth could incite them to great violence. This son… didn't know but…"

She recalled what she'd read recently with Jin and frowned deeply.

"The assassins sent after us, were hired by a country in the East. That country only sent assassins because they were goaded by the neighboring rulers to do so. The neighboring countries thought the Mountain Lord had great wealth and was controlling their merchants, and they only reason they thought so--"

"Ah!" Mei Hua suddenly understood. "It was the rumors spread by that Gong girl?"

"En."

"Which only happened because of your mistreatments?"

"....en."

Mei Hua leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Son, are you claiming you're responsible for the assassins trying to kill me and thus my coma?"

Shan Hui's whole body began to tremble.

"That is what this son is saying." He said in a low, small voice.

Mei Hua's lips pressed together. She didn't agree with his conclusion at all. His guilt was only for an act of unnecessary violence at the start, not for what happened later. But this son of hers had been blaming himself for years. Paired with his stubbornness, even if she wanted to forgive him, he wouldn't accept it.

She knew he wouldn't accept her forgivenness based off the fact that he'd gone out of his way to get people to promise not to tell her about what led up to the assassination attempts. He was preventing any chance of an alternate perspective being brought in, one that might not cast the blame solely on him. It was good she'd heard a neutral third-party's take on the events, otherwise who knows what kind of mess she'd be feeling after hearing this kind of confession?

Honestly, she didn't want to punish him. She wanted to celebrate his return, but he wasn't going to accept that. Exhaling, she steeled her heart.

"Shan Hui, sit up and come here." She commanded in a cold voice.

Shan Hui immediately obeyed, but still refused to look at her. Rather than walking over, he crawled over on his hands and knees. He kept himself in a kneeling position, his expression was filled with remorse and self-loathing.

"Look at me." Mei Hua demanded.

He hesitated for a moment but finally looked up.

Mei Hua's heart quivered at his expression of penitence, but she kept her face blank. Taking in a deep breath, she raised her hand and slapped him in the face. The slap was so hard, Shan Hui's body was thrown to the side and landed with a thud on the wood flooring. Mei Hua shook her hand, which was stinging from the force of the blow.

Jin, who'd been trying to stay unnoticed, couldn't help flinching.

Before Shan Hui could recover from the shock, Mei Hua had bent over him and righted his body… only to slap the other cheek. This second slap was just as vicious as the first. Shan Hui's body stumbled again at the momentum.

The young man lay there in a daze. It's not that he was shocked she'd slapped him, it was that he felt that slap all the way into his soul. The physical portion of that slap had only stung a bit, looking worse than it felt, but the spiritual portion had really genuinely hurt. Even as he lay there, he was surprised by the aching.

This was the first time his Mother had ever been able to hurt him. She'd always been a weak cultivator, and the poison had taken what little cultivating she'd had and trashed it. Even though he was seeking punishment, he'd not actually expected to get it directly from her, a person who'd never been strong enough to even leave a light bruising.

As he was busy trying to figure out what just happened, Mei Hua sat back down in a huff, clearly unhappy.

"There. I have slapped you twice: once for unjust violence and once for lying about it. Your punishment is complete."

Shan Hui blinked rapidly as he refocused. Crawling back on his knees, face starting to swell unpleasantly since he wasn't bothering to heal it, he tried to explain even as he felt somewhat bewildered.

"Mother it's right for you to punish this son for both of those things, but that is not all you should be punishing this son for."

Mei Hua crossed her hands over her chest and scowled. "Who are you to tell me what I should and shouldn't punish you for? Acting all respectful and polite, but won't even accept my verdict! Why would I blame you for something someone else did?"

"But I--"

"Yes, yes, I acknowledge you did something stupid and weren't prepared for the consequences. I understand that." She waved a hand dismissively, "But look here, did a single one of our attackers do so out of vengeance for that girl you hurt? No. You said yourself, they were after your Father's wealth and territories. That being the case, wouldn't they have come after us eventually regardless of what you'd done? It's not like the merchants could keep us out of their ruler's eyesight forever. At some point, someone or something would have made them aware of us."

"This son was still the source. This son should still be punished."

It's not as though his Mother was the first to bring this point up to him. He'd heard it before, but he couldn't accept it. Every time he saw his Mother lying in a coma, a hair's breadth away from dying, an overwhelming sense of guilt would rise up and almost strangle the air out of his lungs.

Even though his Mother was now better and that left him elated, the overwhelming sense of shame was still there underneath his happines. Until a punishment equal to his crime was given, he didn't know how to release himself from his sin.

Mei Hua felt vexed at how her son still wasn't letting go. She turned to Jin and said with extreme exasperation, "Talk some sense into your son!"

"Ah, I've tried!" Jin defended himself. "He came to me first about this and I told him much the same you did." He gazed at his wife pitifully, "He wouldn't accept my answer and kept harassing me! He wouldn't leave me alone until I punished him!"

Mei Hua paused and couldn't help asking, "Really, what kind of punishment did you give him?"

"I beat him within an inch of his life."

"YOU WHAT!"