Chapter 71：Not Good Enough

Dear Diary

I'm just here to vent. My mother used to do this so I thought I would try it out.

My friends whisked me away to Ibiza immediately after my world fell apart at the seams. Guess they all expecting me to crawl into a ball and call upon death but not this time. I know I've tried my best with Lana and I have no regrets.

Ibiza is like a breath of fresh air. Tiesto and Mark thought it would do me good to be here so I could let of some steam and for once they were right. Biebs and Breezy decided to fly down and join us so my life became just one big party night after night. My friends were the craziest and they really helped take my mind off her..

I have literally tried everything to win Lana Logan, sorry I meant Carter,(she is legally my wife fyi) back. But it's like I keep hitting against a solid brick wall. There's no winning with her. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

She knows that Lexie and I are done and I haven't had anyone else but her; ever since my no-good lawyer Barry married us off accidentally. I think I really need to fire him after this.. I'm in a fix because of his dumb mistake.

I've flown halfway across the world to find her and give her the marriage proposal that I thought she deserved but guess what? It still wasn't good enough! She turned me down. She seems to be doing a lot of that lately. Her name should be No just like Meagan Trainor. Gosh!

I wrote her songs. Even got my friends to sing her songs. I got A-list celebrities to sing her songs and it still wasn't good enough! What do you what me to freakin' do Lana Logan??! Maybe she wants me to strip naked and run around naked, proclaiming my love for her to anyone that cares to listen? I would be totally up for the challenge...or not...

I know I'm a lousy boyfriend or husband...or whatever-but lately I've been trying. I really have. Everyone has noticed and acknowledged the change except her...As usual, I fall short in the eyes of Lana Logan. I call her Logan when she's behaving like her mother and lately, she's been behaving like that..uh-woman. I don't want to call my mother-in-law names but let's just say I don't like her. Gosh! That's actually an understatement..wait this isn't even about her.

All my life I've never settled for one woman. Now that I chose to I get rejected. All my life I've been rejected by those that I truly care about..except Kyle and Jones. They have always been there for me through the good, the bad and the ugly. I love those guys like-anyway as I was saying the first woman I handed my heart to on a silver freakin' platter, threw it back in my face.

I love my wife. I love her more than I have loved anyone in my entire life, more than I love myself. But I guess my love is not enough. It never was. I'm at a loss for words. I-I have brain-freeze. Just give me a moment.. BRB

Right, I'm back.

I have never experienced the love of a father. Don't even know what it feels like-never will. My father never loved me, never made it a secret that he didn't care. His work always took precedence over everything-including, my mother. Even now when he knows he could die, he doesn't want to fix things between us. I know it's too late but can he at least show some remorse? Gosh, I hate him! (I think it's a tie between him and my mother-in-law.)

I don't know the first thing about being a father. I had to be honest with Lana...I don't think I'm ready for it. What if I messed up the kid's life and he-or she-grew up to hate me just like I hate my own father?

A part of me is excited though. I'm going to be a father...Sorry I just need to repeat that..slowly this time..

I, Jordan Carter..am..going..to...be..a...Dad...Someone is going to call me Dad.. I..can't..breathe..

Yay! Three cheers for me? Or not...

Some men have the knack for this kind of thing. I'm totally clueless. I have a hard time taking care of myself and yet alone another human-being..? Maybe I can learn? No one was born being a good dad right? Not everyone was ready to be a father right? Maybe I can do this? Or not...

I'm willing to try though..doesn't she know that? I tried to tell her that but..you guessed it. NOT GOOD ENOUGH CARTER.

I want my kid to have the best of everything. Including the love and affection, I never had. I want to be there for both of them but I'm not sure if she will let me in again. Lana Logan (yeah she's acting like her mother lol) what would you have me do baby? I've done everything a man could possibly do to prove my love to you (hey there's a song there somewhere) but there's no winning with you sweets. Love sucks!

I think I've played my last card. I'm done. Throwing in the towel and stepping on the olive branch.

My heart can't possibly handle anymore rejection from her. I'll just pick up the fragments of my wounded heart and try and wobble along. What is a guy to do? Really? I've tried. If this was a test I would pass with an A+++. I would have got a freakin' distinction-honors!

I still remember the first time I saw her..she took my breath away. Her eyes..her eyes were my undoing. I knew I was a goner once I stared into those huge brown eyes..just like Bambi. My Bambi. I had never wanted to impress a girl as much as I wanted to impress her. I always wanted to be with her, to keep her close. To breathe in her scent..feel her soft curves as I cuddled her. I always made some dumb excuse that I couldn't sleep but tbh sleep was the furthest thing from my mind whenever she was lying next to me. All I wanted to do was be with her and I would have done anything just to keep her close. I would still give anything to have her but..you guessed it...NOT GOOD ENOUGH CARTER.

I guess this is one fairy-tale that will have no happy ending. I'm done with you, Lana Logan. I will never love again. You have spoilt me for everyone else. Yes! You did that. It's on you, Bambi. Why did you let me fall in love with you? Why did you have to be so hard-headed? I wish things could have turned out different.. I will never forget you baby. I will miss you Lana Carter and you will own my heart forever...