Chapter 22 - There Is No Us.

Lance. 

The moment I was dreading has finally come upon me. John has a confused expression on his face. I don't belong in this narrative in this moment. I shouldn't be in his house. He looks like he was expecting someone else. 

"Lance," he calls my name again. 

"Mr Hilly, hi," I run my hands through my hair. 

Ford is watching, he is confused as the smile that was on his face disappears. "How do you two know each other?" Johns asks and suddenly he seems excited by the prospect of us knowing each other. 

He wants us to be friends, he wants us to get along. That has been his wish ever since he met me. We would be good brothers. So now, what do I say to this. How do I explain that I don't want to be brothers with your son? I love him and want to be with him. All those thoughts are in my head, I can't dare to say them out loud. It is an abomination; he will never understand. 

"Our schools are next to each other. We've been hanging out for a while now." I blurt out the first lie I can come up with. This is the best thing to do for now. Lie as I have been doing since I found out. Ford furrows his brows as his father moves closer to me. 

He pats my shoulder warmly "This is incredible, did you know he was my son?" 

I shake my head "No I didn't" 

Another lie. 

God, I am on a roll. 

"My son said he wanted to introduce me to someone special. I didn't know it was you. This makes it better," he faces ford, who still has the dumbfounded expression on his face "This is Mary's son, Remember I told you about him?" 

I watch ford, hoping he gets himself together. He doesn't seem to be here in this moment with us. He looks at his father and then switches to me, his eyes roam back and forth. 

"Son." 

He takes a deep breath and sighs finally getting himself "Oh, what are the odds." his voice is stoic and very cold. He is angry, I know him well enough to know that this is making him pissed. He knows now, that I knew and I didn't tell him. I shouldn't have dragged this too far. Why did I take it too far, now he will hate me? I doubt he will ever forgive me for this. 

"So, you guys are friends." 

Ive never hated the words friends as much as I do at this moment. I am not his friend. I don't ever want to be just friends with him. Why does this have to be so hard? 

"Yeah," I answer. 

Ford hisses at the back of his mouth. 

"He's got to go dad. I'll walk him out." 

Ford grabs my hand in his and his grip is hard, it hurts but I keep a brave face and a smile "Stay for dinner, I'll have Louise make something," John urges. 

I groan internally. 

"It's pretty late. I have to get home and we ate earlier." 

John nods "I didn't know you were the one, I would've prepared for you. Can we have dinner as a family this time? All four of us." 

I manage a nod. Ford is still holding me and as I watch his father leave, I want to leave too as I am not ready to face him and what is about to come. The room is quiet and as he lets go of my arm, I feel empty and alone. There is no redemption from this, no getting out of this. 

"You knew?" 

It is a question but I don't think he expects an answer from me. I look at him and his head is down. He is more upset that I have ever seen him. 

"Yes." 

He sighs "When?" 

More questions. 

Questions I expected to answer at some point but not like this. I was going to tell him today. I knew he would have questions but now he feels like he is ambushed. He is upset because he was the only one that didn't know. 

"The day you picked me up." 

"I must be a joke to you." 

I shake my head immediately. He is thinking the wrong way. This isn't easy on me too. 

"No, I promise that is not what this is about," 

"Then why didn't you fucking tell me?" he cries. 

"I was scared." 

He laughs, his laugh is hysterical. Something is going on in his head right now and I can't seem to read him. What is he thinking? Is he going to give up? I don't want him to give up, we can still fight for this. We can still work. 

"Let's go. I'll drop you home." he walks out of the living room so fast, not even giving me a chance to say anything. I sigh in defeat, because at this moment I feel defeated. I don't know how to come back from this. I walk out of the house and he is waiting for me in the car. I enter quietly and he starts the drive with the frown still plastered on his face. 

"Can we talk about this, please don't shut me out." 

I pray silently that he will actually listen to the sound of my voice and realize how sincere I am. This was not planned; I didn't ask to fall for him. The only mistake I made was keeping this from him. I was going to tell him; I just needed some time. 

"There is nothing to talk about," he breathes out. 

"What are you saying?" 

He looks at me for a second and then back at the road "I can't do this anymore. We can't be together anymore," he finalizes. 

"This is unfair." 

"Life is fucking unfair," 

"We can still try. Maybe if we let them know how we feel, they will accept this. I don't want to give up on this." 

He looks at me again and then parks the car on the sidewalk. He squeezes the steering wheel a little too tightly. 

"Do you hear yourself?" he asks. 

"I know it sounds impossible but my mother is understanding. She will find a way for this to work." 

He laughs "Do you have any idea the kind of person my father is?" 

I shake my head. 

He laughs again "Nothing I do is ever good enough. He is too selfish to think about anyone but himself. You think he will give up his relationship with your mother because we say we love each other?" 

"He might, we have to give this a shot." 

His breathing becomes heavy as I blurt those words out. Somehow, I have pissed him off even more. He hits the steering wheel roughly a couple of times and then opens the car door and walks out angrily. I didn't expect it to be easy—when he found out but I also didn't expect it to be this hard. I thought we'd at least be on the same side. Fighting together to make this work, but he has already given up and I can see that. 

I follow him out of the car and he is staring at the cars as the drive past us. I walk until I am close to him and then I reach for him. I place my hand on his shoulder gently and he doesn't push me away. I can't see his face, I don't know what is going on in his head. I don't know what to do right now. 

"I love you," I sniffle. 

It is painful for me to say. We haven't said it to each other but I know how I feel. I love this man and I need him to know. The fact that things aren't going as planned is not the end of the world. If we fight this out, we will win. 

He turns around and there are tears in his eyes. He is crying. This is the way I felt when I found out. It is a natural reaction; to be sad. I am still sad, but i want to be strong for him. I need to convince him that this will work, we have to give it a chance. 

"We can't do this anymore." 

"Please don't give up on me right now, I love you and I want to fight for us," I plead with so much desperation. 

"There is no us." 

Those words feel like someone ripped my heart out and crushed it into a million pieces. I feel like I have been murdered from just a few words. Words that I never thought would hurt this much. 

"I know how you feel, I felt the same way, that is why I took so long to come back to you but we can't give up." 

"Do you think I want to give up. I was going to fucking tell him everything today. That is why I took you home. I was ready to face the consequences. I was ready." 

His words hit me and makes this even harder. 

I am speechless.