Chapter 23 - Forget The Pain.

Ford. 

This is the kind of thing that happens to me. 

I am used to disappointments. 

I've been disappointed all my life, so this unexpected curve ball is nothing new. What was I even expecting? 

Fall in love and live happily ever after? 

Ha. 

Like that could ever happen to me. Like I would ever be lucky enough. Thinking about the first time I saw him at the party. Thinking about the way my heart raced against my chest, the smile that his uninterested expression brought to my face. A party that I didn't want to have, a party I was forced to have by people I don't really care about and then he came like the highlight of the night. The moment he walked through the door, I noticed him. He was with another guy. I was jealous of someone I didn't know. Now that I think about it, it sounds fucking ridiculous and like a stalker I watched him as the night continued. I followed him to the kitchen, I watched his friend get too close to him and I watched him go up the stairs as they parted ways. 

There I was, following a boy, that I didn't know and it was exhilarating. I liked that he didn't look like he enjoyed the scene. He was looking for a room, somewhere quiet. I watched him search all the rooms in my house. This is a typical high school party; he should know that rooms are like heaven for horny high school kids. He would be lucky if he even finds one. He stops in front of my room and a wide smile forms on my face. I am hopeful that no one has turned it to a sex den yet. I silently pray that it is empty and for the first time that night, there is a light in my dark, dark world. Suddenly as he enters my room, I am happy. This is my chance to talk to him. 

He is alone and I can use this opportunity to be alone with him. 

From the moment I met Lance, I was hooked. I knew I would risk it all to be with him. Thinking about it now and all that has happened, can I really say that again? Is it possible to even be with him anymore? 

"What does this mean for us," he asks slowly as I park my car in front of his apartment building. I have been here a couple of times, I have looked forward to coming here numerous times, to see him, kiss him, be with him but now I don't even know anymore. 

Everything is just messed up. 

It is crazy that I was begging him earlier to fight for us and now I don't know what to do. 

"There is no us," I cry. 

He sighs "You can't do this, think about all we have, all we could have. Are you ready to let it go?" he grabs my arm and I stiffen from his touch "I love you Ford," 

He is the only one that calls me Ford. Ford is my middle name, no one calls me that except him. Maybe this was me wanting to be someone else, he saw the sides of me no one has ever seen and I craved the attention he gave me. I liked the feelings that engulf me when I am with him. I don't want to let go of him but I have no choice. Today when I brought him home, I wanted to show my dad my true self because I was ready to lose everything to be with him. No one would understand. My father would've never accepted me, I know that much but I wanted to prove to Lance that I was legit about everything. I was ready to show him all my vulnerability. 

Now that is a bust, I failed because of things I was unaware of. I am not even angry that he kept this from me. I am just disappointed and sad that this is the kind of thing would only happen to me. 

"We can't be," I breathe out exasperated. 

His hand is still on my arm, it doesn't seem like he wants to let go. I don't want him to let go. Letting go means saying goodbye and I am not ready to say goodbye. I might act like this is easy but it is breaking me. 

"It's not fair," he cries. 

He has been repeating that all night. Nothing is ever fair; I have gotten used to not expecting things my way. Life has curve balls and when they hit you, you can either remain flat or get back up. At this point I don't even know if I am standing tall or completely crushed. 

Thinking about this situation from the bigger picture. I will always be reminded of what we could have been. Am I just to accept him as my brother now? Does this even make any sense? 

"I'm sorry, I really am," I reach for his arm still on mine and pull it off slowly. He watches me with a sad expression on his face. I look at him and all that he is and hate that I can't explore this world with him. I can't go on dates with him, we can't fall in love, we can't be happy. 

All because of the man that I call my father. This is all his fault; I know he doesn't have a clue about anything that is happening but the hatred I feel for him, lets me put all the blame on him. 

"I won't let you go. I swear to God Ford, I won't let you go," he opens the door of my car and runs out. I don't go after him because there is nothing I can do at this moment. I have to let him go; this isn't meant to be. 

Once I see him enter the building, I drive off. This is really difficult for me, I basically just said goodbye to the only person I want to hold unto forever. Lance is the only person I want to be with. I drive until I get to the gay bar, I frequent most times. It is a far distance from my house. Here, no one knows who I am, it is called 'FuN & Games. 

This is not my first time here. I come here to be a different person and it always works. I am defeated right now. I cannot win. Everything I do, I end up losing. The Bouncer opens the door for me without any query. He pats my back softly "Here for some fun mate?" he asks me with his British accent. 

"You can say that," I answer him as I enter the dim lit bar. 

The neon lights blink continuously and I adjust my eyes to get used to it. The place is packed. There are people on the dance floor. This is a place where there is no judgement. I am free to be whoever I want to be. Every one is the same. We are all free of the cruel, cruel world out there. 

I go over to the bar and there is a guy seated next to me. I see him watching me. I know the kind of appeal I have, so this is not a surprise. This is not a first. 

"What would you like?" the bartender asks me with a flirty smile. 

"A rum and coke." 

I watch him mix the drink and as I grab the glass from him and down in down in one go all my worries slowly dissipate. For the moment, I forget about everything. I push all the pain to the back of my head. I don't want to think about him right now.. I want to forget it all with this drink and the many more I will have tonight.