Chapter 25 - Missing Him Alone

Lance. 

"Who is this Patrick guy I keep hearing about?" jack asks with an eye roll. We are in school in the library. We are supposed to be studying but all he wants to do is talk about my new friend. 

After our ride together, he got us back home safely and strangely I felt a lot better. I haven't seen Ford since he decided that he wasn't going to fight for us. I haven't given up. The distance between us is the only thing that is keeping my strength. I don't know how I will react to see him again. 

''Nobody.'' 

''He's not nobody, suddenly there is some strange guy following you around. Don't you think it is weird?'' 

''He is not following me around,'' I dismiss his weird thoughts. 

''He is, he came from nowhere and what are the odds that he lives in our building. How come I have never seen him before?'' 

I shrug and turn the pages of my biology textbook. Jack doesn't understand what I am going through. He will never understand the immense pain I am in. My heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces. I might sound dramatic but I am broken. I loved and lost at the same time. 

That shit hurts and Patrick is somehow helping me but the pieces of my heart back together. I am not suspicious of him because he hasn't given me any reason to be suspicious. He is a nice guy; he is funny and he makes me feel better. 

''I need to meet him.'' 

I look away from him and Eren chooses this moment to sit down next to jack ''Meet who?'' he asks. 

''No one,'' I answer immediately. 

Jack is being his overprotective self, the fact that he didn't even pester to meet Ford surprises me. He thinks I am too gullible to tell when someone is shady. There is nothing shady about Patrick. I am not saying he is perfect but he has helped me twice and I am eternally grateful to him. 

''Oh, I see you guys are keeping things from me,'' Eren says as he brings out his textbook from his bag. We have a free period and we usually use our free periods to study. A week has passed since I last saw Ford and I miss him so much. There is an empty feeling within me, something is not right and my body knows it too. I haven't been eating well, sleep is unstable. I am just exhausted and I can't talk to anyone about how I am feeling. Jack seems to think the best thing I can do is try to move on from Ford but he doesn't understand how hard that would be. It is not as easy as he thinks. I tried for a week, a week without him and I feel this bad. How do I stand a month, two years? When I close my eyes, I see his face, his smile. 

When they get married, I will have to see him every day. I will look at him and get a reminder of what we lost. How am I supposed to handle that? No one understands that; not even jack. 

''No one is keeping anything from you. Jack is just being stupid.'' 

He chuckles and jack hits my shoulder playfully. 

The rest of the day is spent studying and in classes. After school me and Jack head on home, in his car. The drive is quick and we don't talk about anything in particular. Once home and inside my house, I see mom in the living room. The Tv is off, and she using her laptop on the couch. She looks up with a smile when she notices me. 

''Hey, how was school?'' she asks. 

I shrug and place my backpack on the floor near the front door. I walk over to the fridge and grab a can of soda from it. 

''So Brad is coming over in about an hour?'' 

I freeze at her words. Shocked that she would even say that. I don't want to see him yet. I am not ready to face him. I don't know how I will act. How am I supposed to act in that situation? I haven't seen him in a week. 

''Why?'' 

''There's a fitting for this evening with John's personal tailor. I asked him to tag you along.'' 

''I am not going. I don't need fittings. Since when do we have fittings?'' I shake my head as I walk in the direction of my room. She didn't ask me, she just made that decision on her own. This is the one thing about my mom that I hate. The fact that she doesn't even carry me along, she thinks I will just do whatever she says without my own voice. 

That is bullshit. 

''Lance,'' she calls my name and I stop in front of the dor. Her tone is firm. This happens a lot. She thinks she can just change the tone of her voice and I will cower weakly. 

No way. 

''I am not going,'' I walk into my room and close the door loudly. I know she is going to come into my room. I don't have a lock because of this one reason. I always hide in my room when I don't want to do things, so she ended up removing my lock. Now, the only thing I can do is close the fucking door. 

Like a child. 

I jump on my bed and cover the duvet over my head. I hear the door open, I hear her footsteps as she walks into my room ''Get up and talk to me,'' she pleads. 

''I don't want to,'' I say over the covers. 

Her sigh is loud ''Please.'' 

I pull the covers slowly and she is watching me sadly ''Can we talk?'' 

I nod and sit up on the bed. Already feeling like shit for treating her so badly. She hasn't done anything. She doesn't even know about me and Ford—or Brad. She is getting married. This is an exciting time for her and here I am being the grinch. Okay, maybe not the grinch but a spoilsport. 

''I'm sorry,'' I apologise. 

She runs her fingers through her hair ''Is something wrong. You have been acting really weird these past few days. I need you to talk to me.'' 

''I'm fine.'' 

She sighs again ''Is this about John...do you think he doesn't like you?'' she asks. Frankly, I haven't cared about his opinion of me. Ford has been scared to come out of the closet to him, does that mean he is a homophobe, will he accept me? 

''Have you told him that I am gay?'' 

''Yes, The next day after you told me. I needed to make sure he didn't have a problem with it. I wasn't going to marry someone that didn't accept my son.'' 

''And?'' I ask her. 

She smiles ''He wants to get closer to you. He wants to be a good father to you.'' I don't think John said things in those words but how do I hate him now? He seems like the perfect person for her. ''Give him a chance please.''  

I have no choice but to do this for her. I have no choice but to agree to this fitting date. I am not ready to see Ford, I hate that I have to meet up with him for this circumstance. I want to see him but not for something that will remind us of the big elephant in the room. The fact that we are going to get suits for this wedding is the biggest blocker. 

He wouldn't even give me a chance after this. He will withdraw further from me, he will use this as a reason why we can't be anything. This will be the breaking point for us. 

I have to do this because I have no choice. 

My mother needs my support but that doesn't mean I don't want to fight even harder. 

I want him so badly and I have to try my best. 

There is no letting go of him. 

No way in hell.