Chapter 26 - The Fitting.

Ford

I miss him. 

I miss him so badly and even though I will be seeing him today, it doesn't feel as good as it should. I brought him home and now my father thinks we are such good friends. There is no need for introductions. 'His two sons are already getting along' 

Those were his own words. 

He hasn't been able to shut about his new son. There is excitement in his eyes whenever he talks about Lance. He hasn't even focused on the one he has and he is talking about a new son. I don't want Lance to be my brother, I want him to be my boyfriend. I want him to be my lover and then I want him to be my husband. How do I make that happen now that there is a wedding in weeks? 

I park my car in front of his building and memories flood in. The fact that I have been here so many times and every time I wait for him outside, my heart races. This time will be different. We broke up the last time I saw him. I told him some harsh words and he left with the notion that he was going to keep fighting for us. A part of me wants to see how far he will go to be with me. 

There is a part of me that is weak for him. Maybe if he fights hard enough, I will muster up the courage to leave everything behind for him. 

We can say fuck it to everyone. 

Give everything up for each other. 

Is it possible? 

I see him as he comes out of the entrance of his building. He is dressed in a pair of shorts with rainbow stripes and a plain black shirt. His sneakers are Adidas, these are the same ones he always wears. They are old and very worn in. His hair is messy today, almost like he just ran his fingers through them. His eyes roam around in search of me and when he sees me, a faint smile forms on his lips. I almost didn't catch the smile but I know every nook and cranny of his face. I have watched him awake and asleep. This is the love of my life. Slowly, he walks over to my car and I get down from it and walk over to him. He stops in front of me but this time he is no longer smiling. There is a blank expression on his face, he is hiding his true feelings. 

I know what he is thinking. 

He is happy to see me, just as I am with him. 

It has been a long-ass week. 

Without him, my week went by so fucking slowly. As each day passed, I wished it would go faster. There is something no one knows. I smile all the time, so no one knows the thoughts running through my head. The demons that I am fighting. They are all hidden deep within. 

I don't plan on showing them to anyone. 

I will let them stay hidden until they can no longer stand the depths of my mind. Until they fight their way out and I can no longer hide it. Before I met Lanis, those demons came out. They came out so fast and unexpected and hit me like a ton of bricks. 

He put them back in and now he is no longer mine. I don't know how long it'll take. I don't know if they will come out again but I am scared for their visit. I need him in my life. I know I can't have him the way I want to, I don't know any other way to have him. 

We stay in silence for God knows how long. I don't know what to say. I am so nervous because I just want to pull him into my arms and kiss him. I miss his lips on mine. I miss his touch. Why is he so close to me but it feels like he is a million miles away from me? It is taking a lot of restraint to keep this much distance from him. 

''Hi,'' he says finally. 

I take a deep breath because this is the moment, where I reply to him. Say hi back. It is just a normal conversation starter but I can't speak. I don't know how to form the words anymore. ''Should we go?'' he says finally. 

I nod and walk over to the driver side of the car. He enters the car and I do the same. This is ridiculous, I can't even talk to him. How am I suppose to spend the rest of the day with him? Father wants him to come over for dinner later—after the fitting. How am I supposed to act normally through all this, when I am so sad at the moment. 

''You can just act like there is nothing between us,'' he says calmly. 

He is too calm. 

I hate that he is so calm. 

I want him to freak out like I am doing right now. 

''Are things normal between us?'' I ask. 

He sighs ''The word normal makes no sense. Nothing is normal between anyone, so yeah, we are all a little abnormal,'' he smiles and his white teeth shines brightly. 

Fucking hell, what is he doing to me? 

The drive is quiet and when we get to the store he finally speaks up ''Holy shit, we are in front of Lorenzo,'' he exclaims. 

I get the excitement; this is one of the best designer stores. Getting an appointment with Lorenzo himself is impossible but father always gets the impossible. The fact that Lorenzo Leaz will be doing the fitting himself is the icing on the cake. I can see why he would react this way. For anyone other than me, this is exciting but I have never cared about material things. I don't care that my father can solve all his problems with the money he has. I don't care that he can ruin anyone because of the money he has. All those things don't wow me. I don't give a shit about them. I wish I had my freedom. I wish I didn't have to play basketball; I wish my future wasn't already mapped out for me. 

I wish I could be who I really want to be. 

I wish I could say the words 'I like boys' out loud. 

''Yeah,'' I fake a smile and he jolts out of the car. He seems to have forgotten why we are in front of Lorenzo. The fact that he is here to get a suit for a wedding that is keeping us apart. 

Fuck. 

I follow him into the building and once inside his eyes open in awe of the place and the clothes hanging on racks and mannequins. Nothing is less than a thousand bucks here—except maybe cufflinks. It surprises me that people will come to this kind of place and spend so much money on a suit or shoes when there are people on the streets that don't even have a full day's meal. This life isn't balanced and it is really unfair. 

A lady dressed in a tight black skirt and a white button-up shirt walks over to us with a smile ''You must be Mr Hilly, Mr Leaz is waiting for you at the back,'' she is holding a clipboard. This is not the first time I have been here, other times I have come here, I came with father but now I am here with Lance and I wish I wasn't. 

The situation is maddening, I still can't wrap my head around it. 

we walk to the back of the store and Lance quiets down. I don't know if he is pretending to be excited about this or he really is but when he sees Lorenzo Leaz his smile is as big as the moon. 

"You are Lorenzo Leaz," he exclaims in shock. 

The man in his sixties smiles warmly as he reaches for his hand "Nice to meet you, Lance. John has told me everything I need to know about you." 

I roll my eyes because John doesn't even know Lance. No one knows that he is not materialistic. He doesn't care about fancy clothes or shoes. He is not that kind of person. 

"I see you on Fashionista weekly all the time." he shakes Lorenzo. 

"Oh, I didn't know you were a fan." 

Lance chuckles "My mom is a fan. I am just a forced watcher." 

There we go. 

"How are you doing Brad?" he turns to me and they both look at me, waiting for an answer. I don't want to pretend that I am interested in a conversation right now but this is not Lorenzo's fault. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have agreed to do this. I should have refused my father's request. 

"I am great." I fake a smile and he is satisfied with my answer. 

"So, how excited are the both of you. A wedding is the most beautiful ceremony. You must be happy for your parents." 

We both look at each other at a loss for words. This is the most frustrated I have ever been. I am not excited. I am not looking forward to their union. 

I hate this.