Chapter 29 - With A Heavy Heart.

Ford. 

I don't know what to do. 

I am exhausted. 

He sees right through me. 

He knows that this is not just about us but I can't say anything to him. Lance is a dramatic person. He will blow whatever I tell him out of proportion. I can't be completely honest with him because I don't want to involve him in this. 

We kissed. 

It was the best kiss I have ever had. 

Every kiss with him is the best kiss and now he wants to act like everything is cool. Suddenly we can be together again. I have to pretend. I have to act like this is not eating me up because I have to be the resistant one. Lance doesn't care about the outcome of our relationship. The only thing he cares about is being with me. So, I have to be the sensible one. The downer. I hate this so much but there is nothing I can do. I am living my life for my father and no one else. I can't make choices on my own. 

The only thing I can wait for is the day that I am finally free from him. As long as I am underage and, in his house, I have to follow his rules. 

I walk into the house knowing full well that he is not following me. After our conversation, I need to give him time to breathe. I walk into the front door and it is quiet. Quiet like it always is. This house is like a prison to me, the walls keep getting smaller as I get older and I cannot wait to escape. 

I sit on the chair and suddenly everything comes rushing down. What will happen if I choose to be selfish? The more time I spend with him, the more I want to give up and just say fuck it to everything. 

My heart is heavy. This is another panic attack. It happens a lot and I don't want him to see me like this. As the dark thoughts all run through my head, my breathing becomes heavier. I feel like I can't breathe. I cover my face with my hands to block out the light. Dad is not home yet, his car was not in the driveway, so I have some time to get over this shit I am going through. 

I hear the door open. I know he is the one. I can feel his presence which makes me look up slowly. He is as beautiful as I left him. The fact that he doesn't have to try so hard and he looks this good to me is admirable. He doesn't know it and I am glad he doesn't know how great he is because once he does. I will have to share him. 

I want him all to myself and he is not even mine in the first place. The moment he gives up on me. I don't know what I will do. 

Suddenly I can't control my emotions. I don't know what to think, how to act. I want to crawl into bed and just stay there for the rest of the evening. He walks over to me, his expression full of pity. I don't want him to pity me, but I also want him closer. He reaches for me and I don't stop him, I want his touch. 

"What is wrong?" he asks me warmly. 

I manage another smile because that is all I can do. My eyes well up. I feel too much all at once. He slides his hand down my face and rests it on my cheek. His touch is everything to me. I want more. This is not enough and we both know it. 

"I'm fine." 

I lie. 

I am not fine. 

"I hate that this is happening. I hate that I can't make you feel better. I wish things didn't have to be this way. This is all my fault. " 

He is taking the blame for all this when it is not his fault. I went after him the first time I met him. If I didn't go after him, nothing would've happened. So this is actually my fault. I am the cause of all this. 

"It's not your fault." 

"Can we just try?'' 

He is going back again to where we left off in the car. Can we just try? It is not so easy but he wants to give this a try. 

"What happens if they find out?" I want to know what is going on in his head. 

"They won't if we don't let them. We could keep this between us until we are old enough and then they can't control us anymore." 

So, this is his solution. 

Be in a secret relationship for God knows how long. That is not a good idea because things like this don't usually end up well. I know for a fact that it will go south. 

His hand is still on me, I don't want to say anything that will pull him away from me. That is how much I need him. 

"You don't know the things that man can do. If he finds out, he will find a way to keep us apart. He is a monster." 

"I can't let you go. It's like losing a part of me." he cries. His words are sincere. I can feel it. 

"We become brothers. At least we are still together." 

He shakes his head "I won't be your brother. I don't want to be your brother." he lets go of me and takes a step away from me. The front door opens suddenly to reveal my dad. He looks at the two of us and somehow, he doesn't notice how tense it is. He only sees what he wants to see. As he usually does. 

"Did the fitting go well?" he walks over to Lance and slings his arm over his shoulder. There is a smile on his face. There is always a smile on his face whenever Lance is here. The smile he never gives me, at least now he can love his new son. 

"Yes sir." 

With a slight tap "You can call me John, no need for the sir. Or dad if you prefer." 

I watch this scene play out and my skin crawls. 

This is irritating to me. 

It is almost like he didn't even notice my presence. Or maybe he just doesn't care enough to even bother. 

"Okay Mr Hilly," lance intentionally chooses the ignore his request. He doesn't want to cosy up to my father. He doesn't want this to be real but it is as real as it gets and there is nothing, we can do about it. 

Thinking about it, we can choose to pretend, to hide our relationship but what happens when they officially get married? We will end up living together/ what happens when they decide that our family is too small and they want to expand it? We will end up having a sibling together, 

It is wrong on so many levels and Lance knows. He just doesn't want to accept it; he is still in denial. Eventually, it will all sink in; he will finally admit the things that he doesn't want to see. 

"You know your mother seemed to think you wouldn't show up for this dinner. I rushed over here thinking it would just be Brad. This is a pleasant surprise." he drags him away slowly and I watch them walk further into the house. My eyes roll from the hypocrisy of the situation. 

He didn't even say a word to me. 

Not one word. 

He only fucking cares about it Lance and his mother. When I found out he was getting married. I was happy, I was glad that he would end up deviating his attention from me. It was just too much and pretty much overwhelmed me all the time. I thought he would focus on his new family and that was what I wanted but now that it is Lance. I don't want that anymore. 

I wish he'd ignore him. 

I wish he'd hate him. 

Maybe if he hates him enough, he wouldn't want him to be his son. 

I walk the other direction of the house until I am upstairs and in my room. I don't want to mingle with them. Lance can have him for all I care. My room is dark, all the lights are off and the curtains are closed. Darkness is better in this house, at least then I don't have to see things, things that will remind me of a time I want to forget. 

My phone rings and I see a call from Lisa. Lisa libel is my classmate and childhood friend. Her father is dad's business partner and best friend. They have been friends since college. Dad wants me to be with her, she is the perfect option for him. A beautiful girl from a good background. She will make the perfect wife for me. 

That's the plan. 

Get married after college and start a family. 

A plan that I didn't agree to.