Chapter 38 - Losing And Winning

Ford. 

Lance. 

What are you doing to me? 

I don't know what is going on. 

This feels like the fucking twilight zone in here. The room is hot, the air is dreary. I just came. I have never cum as hard as I did. Lance is not the kind to initiate. He is not controlling. 

What is he doing to me? 

There has been a smile on his face all morning. He said I could say no. he advised me to say no if I didn't want it but how do I say know when this is the person I have craved for so long. I want to fuck him and he has no clue. He doesn't know what goes on in my dreams. He thinks I am all for pushing him away but he has no idea how much I want him. 

At this point I want the ground to swallow me and get me out of my embarrassment. I became putty in his hands and from the look in his face, that is exactly what he wanted. 

He wanted to see me at this point. 

He wanted me weak and to crumble to his mercy. 

He slides up until we are staring at each other with his forehead pressed to mine. I am still breathing heavily. That was an intense orgasm. No girl or guy has even made me cum that hard before. I knew he would be different from the first day I saw him; there was something special about him and this just proves it. There will be no one like him. 

I will never find love again. 

This is the end game for me and if I don't end up with him, I will end up alone. That much is sure. 

''How was that?'' he asks. 

I close my eyes because staring at him is doing things to me that I shouldn't be welcoming. 

He chuckles and bites my lip softly. I feel my dick rise again from a contact so small. I am not the only one that feels it because this gets a chortle from him ''It's my turn,'' he whispers with his mouth on mine. 

I know what he is talking about ''Why are you doing this to me?'' I demand. 

He shrugs on top of me ''I'm not doing anything you don't want,'' he smiles and grabs my dick again. I groan out from the contact and he kisses me again. This kiss is soft almost like a teaser and as he pulls back from my lips, I push his head back into my mouth. My body has a fucking mind of its own right now, I have thoughts in my head, my brain is failing at this fight. 

''I have something that will make this better,'' he stands up from the bed and I feel colder. I feel detached but I watch him walk to his work table. There is a bag on it. He grabs it and runs over to the bed. 

''What is this?'' I point to the bag. 

He pours the contents on the bed and my eyes open wide from the shock in front of me. 

''Why did you get condoms?'' 

He smiles ''We need condoms to have sex… duh.'' 

I sit up on the bed ''When did you get these?'' 

''Last night.'' 

I frown ''What happens after we have sex?'' 

I want to know what he is thinking. He wants to have sex with me, does sex change anything? 

''Nothing, people in relationships have sex all the time,'' he shrugs like it is no big deal. 

''We are not in a relationship.'' 

''Because you're suddenly my brother… right?"

He shifts closer to me, I try to budge away from him but he is persistent. I don't know why he is being so stubborn. Almost like he is not even listening to me anymore. 

''I am not your brother.''

That is usually his line but suddenly I am the one saying it. It is wrong for him to call me his brother after the things we just did. 

He smiles ''So why can't we do this?" 

He sits on my lap and this time I don't push him away; my hands wrap around his waist as he shifts in an attempt to get me hard again.

''because we can't be together.''

He sighs ''We have been going over this back and forth for a while now. I know you are scared but I will be brave enough for the two of us,'' he leans forwards and presses his lips to mine. I close my eyes as he slides his tongue into my mouth. I have morning breath, but the way he kisses me, tells me he doesn't care. 

He lingers on the kiss for a second before pulling back slowly ''Have sex with me. Please.''

I am red-faced and flushed at his words. This is a side to him I have never seen. ''and then what?" 

He shrugs ''And then nothing. We try to make this relationship work. We can keep it from everyone. My mom, your dad. We can be a secret until we are old enough to leave everything behind.''

His words sound appealing. 

Leave everything and everyone behind. 

I have prayed and hoped there would be a time where I can leave everyone behind. 

These things are easier said than done. 

''I am here, trying to convince you that I believe we can work. I want to fight for us because I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.'' 

My heart jolts in my chest. 

''I am scared.'' 

This is me caving in. 

Lance has been my weakness from the moment I met him. I have tried to be the smart one from the beginning of this. being sensible, so that we don't get hurt but now, here, in this room, it looks like we are both hurting. 

I want him to stop hurting. 

I want the smile on his face to be permanent. 

Being with me makes him happy. 

Being with him makes me happy. 

So why am I pushing him away? 

Why do I care about my father when he doesn't even give a shit about me? Why do I care about his mother when I don't even know her.

The only person I actually care about in my life is sitting in front of me and pulling me closer and I can't deny him. 

He is okay with being a secret. 

I don't want him to be some kind of dirty little secret but he is right. This is not forever, just until I can get out of the family. 

He seems to think this can work. 

What is stopping me?

''You want to try this?" 

He nods and slings his arms across my neck, this brings him closer to my face. I welcome the contact wholeheartedly. 

''More than you can imagine, I got all this last night. I was going to seduce you,'' he beams almost too proud of himself. 

''Do you think it worked?"

He nods his head incessantly. 

I shake my head ''What happens if they find out?''

He chuckles ''We can run away together.'' 

Run away. 

How can I run away from someone that has so much power? If I try to run away from him, I am 100% sure he will find me. I don't say this to Lance because I don't want to be the buzzkill to his excitement. 

''We have to make sure they don't find out; can you do that?" 

His smile widens.

It is contagious because I end up smiling too. 

''Are you saying yes to me?" he watches me with hopeful eyes. 

With the smile on my face, I lean forward and press my lips to his. This time he grabs my hair to deepen the kiss. With my eyes closed, I slide my tongue into his mouth and he moans out loud. At this point, he has receded all control to me. Slowly, I grab him by his waist and push him to the bed softly, this time with me on top. He wants this and I want this, I am done pushing him away. I am done denying my feelings. 

With my lips still pressed to his, I reach for his shorts and pull them off with one swift movement. 

I want this so much. 

He opens his eyes and now we are both naked. This is the way I wanted it. I wanted this and I am getting it. Who knew I could get what I want? 

"Are you sure about this?" I ask him slowly as I pull away from him. he opens his eyes and there is a dreamy smile on his face. 

''I watched gay porn last night,'' he blurts out, upon realization he hides his face in my chest. 

I laugh at his words ''How was it?" 

With his face still hidden, he mumbles into my chest ''It was weird but it made me want to try it with you."

He is giving me the green light. 

I want this bad.