Chapter 55 - Panic Attack

Lance. 

The moment the door is closed, he pushes me to the wall and smashes his lips to mine. This comes as a surprise because I didn't even know this was what we came in here for. I thought he wanted to talk. He looks like he needs to talk. 

I try to get him off me but he is stronger than me "Ford, stop," I grab him by his waist and this time I succeed. He pulls back from me and a sigh escapes his lips. His eyes are closed as he rests his forehead on mine. 

I am confused. 

I don't know what to do or say. 

"What is going on? You know we can't do this here.'' I remind him. we agreed to be a secret. He can't be acting this way. It could jeopardize everything. I can't lose him right now when he is all I need. 

"Fuck,'' he cries out loud. 

"Did something happen?" I want to know what is going on in his head. Why is he suddenly this upset? It cannot be about the wedding. We knew about this from the beginning. We were ready for it. It doesn't have anything to do with us. 

"I don't know what is wrong? I am losing my fucking mind,'' he moves away from me and grabs his hair from all the frustration. I have never seen him this way. I take slow steps to him because I don't want to overwhelm him. 

"Tell me what you're feeling right now?'' 

He turns and looks at me. his eyes are very red and he kinda looks crazy right now. Fuck, I don't mean to call him crazy. I don't know what to do. I walk up to him and he jumps away from me, almost like he doesn't want me to touch him. I really don't know what is going on and I don't know how to help him, he is not acting like himself. 

''I am sorry, come here,'' he tries to reach for me and I don't fight him off. He needs me right now and I don't want to do anything to push him away right now, especially since I don't know what is wrong with him. things between us are good. Yeah, the wedding is taking a toll on us but that doesn't have anything to do with us. We decided to live for us, we are not focusing on the things that are happening outside. 

He grabs me by my waist but I don't fight him off, I let him pull me closer until his face is resting in the crook of my neck ''I am sorry. I don't know what is happening. I am panicking,'' he cries with shaking hands. 

I don't know what to say. 

I can't handle him in tears. 

''Did something happen?'' I want to know what transpired to make him this way. 

I haven't really seen a lot of him today. he has been with Lisa all day. They had on matching clothes, looked like the perfect couple. I chose to ignore everything because deep down, I know he is mine. She might think she has him exactly where she wants him but he doesn't love her. He will never love her. 

''I couldn't be with you. All I wanted to do all day was walk up to you and kiss you and I couldn't,'' he is still crying. His tears are getting to me because I don't know what to say to make him stop. Let him know that everything will be alright. 

That it doesn't matter to me. 

''You don't have to apologise, we are cool,'' I assure him. 

He pulls away from me slightly, still holding me by my waist. His eyes are red and blotchy. He can't go back out like this. I have to calm him down and make him feel better. ''This is more than being cool. I feel like I am losing my mind. I want this all to just end.'' He lets go of me but I grab his hands immediately to get the situation under control.

There is more to this and he is not telling me. I wish he could open up to me completely. Tell me about his demons because they are eating him alive. Right now, this man in front of me doesn't look stable. I mean mentally, something is wrong and I want to help him. 

How do I help him?

''Stop, just breathe. Please I want you to just breathe,'' I grab him by his neck and pull him until his forehead is pressed to mine. I look into his eyes, not even blinking ''don't think about anything. Just look at me and breathe.'' He obeys my order as he tries to steady his breath. 

He remains quiet in my arms and I watch him, hoping that this will calm him down. I can't have him freaking out here. 

''Think about the trip we talked about, where would you like to go?'' I bring up something that could make him smile. 

He watches me in silence, not answering. I am not going to rush him. he should take his time. Get himself calm. 

''Bali seems like a place to be right now. The water, the food. We could get a place by the ocean. What do you think?'' 

He closes his eyes. The tears seem to have stopped, that is a good start. ''Are you picturing it. The water, our room with the view?'' I continue. I will talk to him until he is back to normal. 

A smile forms on his face, it is faint but I notice instantly. I will take that for now. 

Shit, what is even normal with him? What if this is just the way he is? Maybe he has anxiety issues. I mean what do I really know about Ford. I don't have a problem with him having any issues. I am ready to be there for him through everything but I wish he would just talk to me, let me know what is wrong so that I can know how to deal with it. 

After a couple of minutes in the silence, I drag him to a corner on the carpeted floor. He sits down and I do the same next to him. we have been gone for a while and someone must have noticed by now. I just hope his dad is too busy to notice. Him and Lisa. Those are our major threats. 

''I am sorry,'' he speaks up suddenly. 

He keeps apologizing. 

He has done nothing wrong. 

''I love you,'' I remind him. he watches me in the dim-lit cabin. I don't even know how he got a key to this place but this is just an added mystery to everything he does. I feel it, deep down, that he is keeping a lot of things from me. Ford hasn't opened up to me. I don't know if he thinks that I will judge him. I have shown him that I can be trusted, that he doesn't have to hide who he is with me. I am here for the long run. Through everything. I have to do this at his pace. I can't be here forcing him to trust me. it has to come naturally. 

''Are you feeling better now?'' I ask wanting to be sure. 

He nods immediately ''Bringing you here was stupid. I don't know what I was thinking.''

I shake my head ''It wasn't stupid. I am glad you brought me here. I didn't have any time to admire you out there,'' I wink because he is actually looking Hella fine today. 

Like how could someone look this gorgeous?

My back is pressed to the wall and my legs are stretched out. Ford lies down on my laps and looks up at me ''You must be confused.'' He mutters. 

I shake my head again ''Nope, this is normal. I am freaking out too.'' I don't want him to worry about my feelings. I just want him to know that there is nothing wrong with him. 

Everything is probably taking a toll on him. the fact that he has to pretend to be my brother now when that is far from what we both want. I understand him, I completely understand what he is feeling. 

''I just panicked, seeing you and not really being able to be with you,'' he cries. 

My heart breaks. 

Completely shatters at those words. Fucking hell, this relationship is sad. It is the most genuine I have ever felt about anyone and I can't even be with him the way I want to. 

''You are with me now,'' I remind him. 

He chuckles nervously ''Yes I am,'' he reaches for my face and the electricity shoots up my skin from his touch. His finger brush against my cheek until they stop on my lips. I close my eyes because I want to remember this moment for as long as I live. 

No one can tell me what I feel for him isn't real because I will always know it. I will always feel this.