Chapter 56 - The Demons Are Back.

Ford.

The voices in my head are back again. 

Screaming, tormenting me, laughing at all my pain and there is nothing I can do to stop it. The freak out with Lance was one of my worst moments. I have had many of those moments but I wanted to keep that part of myself from him. I never wanted him to see me like that.

The shift in my emotions. 

I thought I could hide it. 

I thought I could go on without him ever noticing. 

I don't know what happened or why it happened but at the wedding, I lost my shit. Seeing everything happen right in front of me and being unable to stop it. Drove me insane—I mean that literally. 

Lance is acting like he is not worried, he is trying to be there for me and I appreciate it. I appreciate it with all my heart. I am not being honest with him; there are so many things he doesn't know about me. things I don't think I will ever be able to tell him. 

Things went by so fast after the wedding. He settled into my house and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't even have enough time to prepare for everything mentally. I am supposed to just accept things the way they are. 

''Can I come in?'' Lance pokes his head through my door. I am lying down on my bed with so many thoughts running through my mind. I have been avoiding him for the past two days. I don't know why; maybe I am embarrassed by my outburst but I know he can tell. 

Lance is a pretty smart guy. 

He can always tell when I am acting up. 

Avoiding him doesn't have anything to do with him. this happens to me a lot. I need some space to get over my head. Not space from him, space from the world. 

''Yeah,'' I manage in a low rumble. 

He smiles and walks into the room. He is dressed in one of his regular grey shorts and a sleeveless shirt with a rainbow in the middle. His feet are bare and his hair is a mess as usual. 

He stops in front of the bed and I hate this uncomfortable feeling creeping into our lives. I want to smile and wrap him around my arms but I don't know how to at the moment. 

''I feel like I haven't seen a lot of you, these past two days.''

I sigh because I miss him so much. He is so close to me but also very far away. The ford that wants to be with him is buried deep down in my heart. Right now, I am a shell of myself. I can't seem to find the happiness that I know that I get from him. 

Fuck. 

''I'm here,'' I breathe out. 

Am I really here? 

I feel like my mind is so far away at this moment. Like I am looking at him but I don't really see him. there are too many things happening in my head. I wish he would just leave, so he doesn't have to see me like this. 

He sits down on the edge of the bed, there is this awkward tension in the room. How did we go from last week to today? ''You know you can always talk to me.'' 

I nod because even through this mood, I know that. why am I not being honest with him? He would understand if I tell him the truth. At least I'd like to think that he would. Everything will make more sense. He wouldn't have to worry about me as much as he is right now. 

''Are we cool?'' his voice shakes. 

Now he thinks, this is about us. fuck I hate that I am putting him through all this. Why is it so hard for me to be honest with the man I love? I love him so much, why do I have to feel so numb?

''Yeah we are,'' I tell him dryly. I am in my head; the words were supposed to come out a lot more sensitive to him but my body has a mind of its own. I can't do anything to make him feel better because I am not ME right now. 

He raises a brow and I watch him with a blank stare. He must feel like I am pushing him away. How do you push someone away when you are not even close to the person right now? Physically I am in the room with Lance but my head is far away from him. 

I look out the window of my room and away from his face because I don't like how he is looking at me right. There is confusion mixed with a little bit of frustration on his expression and I don't like it one bit. 

Slowly I turn my back to him, knowing full well that he is still watching me. I can already feel the tears as they fall from my eyes to my cheeks before they settle on the pillow. Crying in front of him again when nothing has happened. Is this the person I want him to see?

Things were going so well with us. 

I hear a shift in the bed and then a loud sigh from him. slowly, his hands reach out for me as he lies down next to me. my back is still turned to him that he still can't see my face and all the tears. 

''I just want to stay here with you,'' he says softly into my ear. 

I haven't been to his room since he moved her. It is on the other side of the house. So he wouldn't even have any reason to come to mine. With all the attitude I am giving him but here he is in my arms because he knows something is wrong with me. I haven't been honest with him but he is still here. He still loves me. 

He is still mine. 

I grab unto both of his hands and pull them closer so that he can hold me tighter. I feel his hot breath in the crook of my neck ''I missed you,'' he whispers. 

I miss you too. 

I don't say it but turn around to him, till his lips meet mine. He doesn't push me away; he only goes deeper into the kiss. I haven't kissed him in two days. I feel like I was in withdrawal from him. I missed his lips. He slides his tongue into my mouth and what started out as an innocent kiss takes a turn for desperation. I grind into him because I want more, I want all of him. 

I reach for his shirt and he helps me take it off. I do the same with mine and we strip until we are naked pressed against each other. I feel everything, I feel again. 

''I missed you so fucking much,'' he repeats as he plants wet kisses all over my face. I grab him by his waist until he is on top of me. Resting my back against the headboard of my bed I press my lips to his again. I have never wanted him as much as I want him right now. I want to continue feeling, wipe away all the numbness. 

''Do you have a condom?'' he asks in between kisses. 

I nod as I reach for the drawer on the bedside table. I grab the packet of condom and lube and push him till he is beneath me, waiting and ready. We are both hard as we press against each other, no time for foreplay. I need to be inside him and I need him now. 

''I'm sorry I have been a jerk,'' I apologise because I need him to forgive me before we do this. 

He leans forward and slips his tongue into my mouth. His way of letting me know my apology is forgiven. Our lips stay entwined as I prepare him for me. first one finger and then another. His eyes close from the bliss I try to control myself. I have to hold on till the end. Can't be finishing before I have even started. 

''Fuck,'' he moans his mouth still on mine. His fingers holding unto me with gentle scratches. 

''More?'' I ask him wanting to be sure it doesn't hurt. 

He looks at me ''I want you inside me now,'' he begs his voice shaking. 

I smile because I love this man so much and also because I can feel again. Slowly, I enter with just the tip. His eyes open wide as a moan escapes his lips. I stop suddenly because I don't want to hurt him. 

He pulls me into him deeper ''Don't you stop,'' he warns me. 

I go into him and the feeling of pure and unfiltered bliss engulfs me whole and complete. Time stops, all my worries dissipate as I feel all the feelings, I had lost just a couple of days ago. I look at this man beneath me and he is all I need. 

He is all I want.