Chapter 69 - Everything's Gonna Be Okay.

Lance. 

Bipolar disorder. 

I don't even know what that is. I have heard about it but it has never been a concern to me. 

I don't fully know what it is. 

I know it has to do with mood swings. 

Suddenly everything makes sense to me. The hyped-up moods, the low ones. The days he stayed in bed. The times I tried to reach out to him and he wasn't just there. 

Fucking hell. 

The medication. 

It all makes sense now. 

I cry in his arms for I don't even know how long. Is he supposed to be comforting me? Its supposed to be the other way round but I feel so pain remorse. So much regret, I don't know what to do. I don't have the right things to say. 

I left him today, he waited in the cold for me. 

I am a fucking jerk. 

After a while, I pull away from him and he watches me. he doesn't know what to say. I don't either. This is something we need to talk about. I need to do more research on his disorder. I don't even know anything about it. 

''Are you okay?'' he asks me. 

I nod wiping the residue tears from my eyes. He sits down on the couch next to me and his leg brushes mine. I inhale and then exhale. I have to gather my thoughts. Fully understand what I need to say next. 

''Do you have any questions about it?'' he reads my mind. 

I look at him ''I don't know what to ask,'' I answer him honestly. 

He smiles faintly, his eyes shine. I never want to see the shine die. I want the grey of his eyes to illuminate whenever I look at him. 

''it's a mental thing. Yeah, I am crazy.'' 

I grab his hand ''You are not crazy.'' 

He scoffs ''You don't have to sugar coat it. I have accepted it a long time ago. There is no need.'' 

I shake my head '' I am not sugar coating anything. You are not crazy,'' he can't think that way. 

He smiles ''Okay.'' 

''Lisa said this is a phase. Our relationship is not real.'' 

He frowns ''Do you believe her?'' 

I shrug '' I don't know what to believe anymore. Things are just a mess right now,'' I tell him being completely honest with him. 

He hasn't been honest with me, meanwhile, I have been nothing but transparent. If things were real with us, why did he feel like he couldn't be honest with me?

''Do you believe me when I say I love you?'' 

I remain quiet. 

He sighs and runs his hands through his hair ''After everything we have been through, you actually think this is not real because of my illness?'' 

He is asking me questions that I don't have the answers to. I don't even understand his illness. I have no fucking clue. It never concerned me before, so I don't know anything about it. Lisa said he is on a manic episode that it had happened before. 

''I love you lance. I have loved you since I met you.'' He cries desperately for me to listen. 

I can hear him loud and clear, but I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel about it. ''This is why I didn't want to tell you. You might act like this is not a bother to you. Like you want to be with me in spite of it all, but you are already doubting me. Doubting my love for you. You think I am crazy.'' he shouts, already getting angry. 

''Calm down please,'' I plead. 

He stands up from the couch putting on his clothes in a rush ''I have to get out of here, I can't believe I was this stupid. To actually think you would accept me.''

I don't know what is happening. 

What is happening?

I reach for him, but he pushes me away, he has never pushed me off him before. I can't handle this. fuck. 

''Ford, please stop this,'' I beg him even though he is fully dressed now. 

He stops his hurry movements and looks at me. his eyes are red, bloodshot. He is too angry. I don't know how to handle angry Ford. I don't even know what the hell I am doing. 

''You don't have to worry about me, I will stay away.'' He walks to the door. 

I rush to the door and grab him around his waist tightly. I can't let him go right now. We need to settle this, talk about it amicably. I don't know what he will do if he leaves me right now ''I am not letting you go,'' I say sternly with his back to me. 

I hear his breathing as he tries to control it. it is not working. ''I love you, Ford, you have to understand that this is not easy for me to understand. Help me understand. Don't fucking push me away.'' 

I hear his cries even without looking at his face. I want to take away all his pain. I want to be the comfort he can rely on. I want to be his everything, how can I be all that an more when he doesn't even trust himself. He wouldn't let go with me. He is afraid to be honest with me. 

''You're just going to leave me eventually… like everyone,'' he breathes out in the silence of the apartment. 

Leave him?

I will never leave him.

''I love you, Ford. Do you even know what that means?'' 

''Everyone leaves in the end.''

It is like he is choosing to ignore my words. He doesn't want to listen to me. He wants to believe what he wants and ignore me. I let go of him till I am in front of him and his tears mask his whole face. I have seen him break down too many times in such a short amount of time. I hate his tears; I hate his sadness. 

''I am here, I am trying to understand this. trying to understand you. Do not shut me out.'' 

I reach for his face and starts to wipe the tears with my sleeves. ''Lisa wants to break us apart,'' he announces even though I already knew that ''She did this to get you to leave me.'' 

''I know,'' I tell him after I am done cleaning his face. 

He grabs my wrist ''I don't want to lose you. You are all I have.''

I believe those words so deeply. From all that I know about Ford, he seems alone. He actually doesn't have anyone in his life. his relationship with his father is non-existent. I haven't seen any friends around him, the only person that lingers around him is Lisa and she doesn't count because she has her selfish reasons. 

I don't care if he is bipolar. 

I don't care about anything. 

''I am never leaving you,'' I declare him. 

''Even on my bad days?'''

I pull him closer until he is in my arms ''Especially on your bad days.'' 

He sighs into my arms.

****************

I put him to bed and walk out of the room once I am sure he is asleep. I need some fresh air. The house is too suffocating. I go up to the roof of the apartment and rest against the railing, looking at the sky.

Checking my phone, I search bipolar disorder on google because I need to understand it. know how to handle him and everything else. 

I am not leaving him. 

Never. 

''We always meet here,'' I look to the door and Patrick walks up to me with a smile on his face. I actually want to be alone right now, and I don't think I can even talk to him about everything that happened. 

Sharing information about ford is not in my place.

''Why are you still up?'' 

I look at the time on my phone, it is a little after three in the morning. I can't sleep. There is too much going on in my head. 

''Can't sleep,'' I tell him honestly. 

He nods and stops beside me, still smiling ''Is Ford okay?'' 

''Yeah, I am sorry about him,'' I apologise on his behalf. 

He waves his hand in the air ''Dude, its chill. I can understand why he would be pissed at me. somehow when I look at it, it seems like I want to steal you away from him. No wonder Jack hates me.''

I shake my head ''Jack doesn't hate you.''

He laughs ''Oh you don't have to convince me, I already know.'' 

''He is just very protective, and he is so pro Ford. So you don't stand a chance with him.''

''Are you guys okay?'' 

I look out at the sky again because I don't know how to answer that question. I don't know if we are okay. I know how I feel about him and I am still a little unsure about his own feelings. I know I want to make sure we are okay. 

I want to be the comfort he needs. 

''We will be,'' I answer him because I will make sure of it.