Chapter 72 - Regrets Filled With Resentment

Patrick. 

Shit. 

Shit, shit, shit. 

What the fuck have I done?

How could I be so stupid?

Now I am just staring at him like a fucking creep. Shit, how did I end up so fucked that I would fuck Jack?

I go on my knees and I feel the pain in my back. I didn't fuck him, he fucked me and i don't even fucking remember. 

Shit. 

I get up from the bed and run out of the room. Looking around the living room, I see the mess we made last night. The alcohol, the pillows on the floor. The reminder that I have screwed things up badly. I run my hands through my hair because I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this.

If I thought I didn't have a chance with Lance, now I know for a fact that there is no way in hell he would want me after this. 

I have to wake him up, what will I tell him? how do I explain what we did. Shit shit shit. 

''We fucked up,'' I turn around from his voice and there is a guilty expression plastered on his face. 

''You're awake,'' I walk over to him and he takes a step back. Almost like he doesn't even want to be close to me. this is not my fault. This cannot be my fault. 

He has to remember what happened. 

''What did we do?'' he asks confusion sprawled on his face. 

I shrug ''Isn't it obvious?''

He frowns ''I knew I shouldn't have come over last night.'' 

''You asked to come over, I didn't fucking make you.'' I remind him of how all this started in the first place. 

He is half-naked in just his boxers, his body lean and completely toned. Stop looking at him, Patrick. 

I carry my eyes away from him so as not to be caught ogling. 

''I have to go,'' he runs back into my room. I follow him unsure of what to say next. 

He rummages around the room in search of his clothes but to no avail ''Where are my fucking clothes,'' he faces me with a glare. 

Why is he pissed at me? This is not my fault. 

''I don't know,'' I tell him because I honestly don't know what we did last night.

He sighs, running his hands through his lush hair. ''This is insane. How did we get from watching Netflix to having fucking sex? I am not even fucking gay,'' he shouts to no one in particular. 

''We had alcohol,'' I contribute even though that doesn't help. 

He glares at me ''You are fucking enjoying this, aren't you?''

I shake my head ''This is not on me. I don't even remember what we did,'' I tell him. 

He scoffs ''You expect me to believe that?'' 

I nod. 

He pushes past me and walks out of my room, grabbing his shoes from the floor near the couch. I follow him because I don't even know what he wants to do now. He is still naked. He heads to the direction of the door, ''Where are you going?'' I ask him. 

He turns around to face me ''I need to get out of here.'' 

''You are naked.''

He rolls his eyes ''Thanks for the reminder. My house is just a couple of floors down. I will be fine,'' he grumbles. 

''I can give you my clothes.''

''I don't plan on coming back here to return anything. Thank you for the hospitality,'' he walks out of the door and I watch him as stops in the hallway ''This never fucking happened,'' he warns me before storming away from me. 

I close my door with so much regret. 

Suddenly memories from last night spring up in my mind and they all come rushing down. 

LAST NIGHT. 

His tongue slides into mine and I feel the butterflies in my toes from the kiss. I have never been kissed with so much intensity. Jack pulls my neck closer to deepen the kiss and I welcome him completely engrossed in this magical moment. 

''Why does it feel like this?'' he asks me in between kisses. He doesn't completely pull away from me as he waits for an answer. 

I don't have an answer to his question because I don't even know what is happening. My head feels light, I am getting dizzy, but I want to revel at this moment. I want to continue feeling all this. 

I don't want to be alone. 

Jack pushes me further into the room and closes the door with a loud bang. I shudder from the sound and he pulls away from me ''You okay?'' he asks, his eyes half-closed. 

''Do you want to stop,'' he mutters dreamily. 

I shake my head incessantly as he pushes me to the couch and climbs on top of me ''I don't want to either,'' he confesses, and I lose all control. I grab him by his waist as I kiss him again. This kiss filled with desperation and longing. He moans into my mouth and I feel him harden against me. I have lost all train of thought I don't know what the fuck I am doing but I like it very much. I like kissing him. 

He reaches for my shirt and pulls it over my head leaving me shirtless. Reaching for his shirt, he grabs my hand to stop me ''Wait, are we really doing this?'' guess he is a talkative drunk. 

I shrug because it is still unsure to me. 

''I know how gay sex works. My best friend is gay.''

I rest my back on the couch and he continues ''We need condoms and Lube. I should go get some from Lance. I know where his stash is,'' he winks taking this a little too serious. 

''We are drunk,'' I remind him. 

He chuckles ''So?'' 

He has a point. 

He jumps off me and I watch him as he walks to the door. He brings out his wallet from his pocket and I watch him search for something. He pulls out a key and tosses the wallet to the couch ''Lance is not home, perfect.'' He starts to walk out of my apartment. 

I follow him ''You don't have to come, I will be back,'' he winks as he stumbles down the stairs. 

I follow him until we get to Lance's floor. He opens the door and falters into the apartment, switching on a light. 

I stay by the door as he enters a room. After a couple of minutes, he walks out of the door with a packet of condom on one hand and another packet on the other ''Found it,'' he grins so wide my heart jolts from that smile. 

He pulls me deeper into the room and throws me on the couch. Now we are making out in Lance's apartment. This feels so wrong on so many levels, but my mind is in a fog. I don't know what I am doing. 

He takes off his clothes and I watch him as he strips into his boxers, tossing his clothes to the floor. ''We should go back to yours, Lance will kill me if he finds out about this,'' he jumps off me and walks to the door. 

Everything is happening too fast, I feel like I am losing my mind ''Your clothes,'' I tell him. 

He laughs, pulling me with him ''I'll come back for them later.''

We go back up the stairs till we get to my apartment, him clutching the condom and the lube tightly. ''Your room?'' he suggests. 

I nod as he leads me into my bedroom, roughly pushing me on the bed. ''We are doing this?'' he questions. 

I nod with a smile as he takes off his boxers, revealing his junk to me. He is so big, way bigger than me. ''Your turn,'' he points to my pants. 

I reach for the button of my jeans and he climbs on the bed as he helps me get it off, doing the same for my boxers ''Nice,'' he compliments me as his eyes remain on me. 

''I will be gentle,'' he smashes his lips to mine with that fair warning and a moan escapes from my lips. 

I don't know what is happening but I like it so much. I like it a lot more than I should. 

My heart is beating against my chest as I come out of that memory. What the hell did we do?

He was the instigator. He made all that happened, happen and now he is blaming me for it all because I am the most likely gay one among the two of us. nothing would have happened if he hadn't kissed me. 

I walk over to the couch, picking up the throw pillows. Sliding my fingers through the corners, I find his wallet. The one he tossed during his excitement last night. 

I don't plan on coming back to return anything.

His words spring up to my mind, knowing I will have to go give this back to him. 

Shit.