Chapter 77 - Longing Thoughts

Patrick. 

I don't really want to go for this dinner. I don't want to see Jack and act like last night didn't happen. It is too fresh, too recent and I promised to forget it all. It is not easy for me. I don't just go around having sex with random people. that might be the case for Jack—I don't know, it is not like we are friends or anything but it is not for me. 

Just seeing him brings back the memories from last night. I realise that I didn't actually hate it. being intimate with him. yeah, we were drunk but I knew what I was doing and it seems like he did too; considering he remembers it all. 

We were both lonely and we used each other. 

I know it can't happen again and that is why I need to avoid him. I need to avoid Lance too because I need to get over him. I am rooting for him and Ford. I actually want them to come out of this stronger. I want to look back on these times and know that true love actually exists. I want to believe in them for the rest of us. Yeah, I wish he wasn't taken, then maybe I would've had a chance with him but he is, so I have to accept it and find a way to move on.

The only reason I am going for this dinner is because of the look on his face. I don't actually think he is scared to be known as gay. I feel like there is more to his story. A lot more than I know and if this will help him stay in the closet, where he wants to be, then this will be the last thing I do for him. 

After my work calls, I go to Lance's apartment and knock on the door quietly. The door opens and Jack is smiling at me brightly. Suddenly, he is all sunshine and rainbows with me. 

Hmm.

''Come on in,'' he opens the door wider and I walk into the apartment. Memories from last night spring up. I look around the living room and his clothes are on a chair in the corner. 

''Patrick,'' lance calls out my name from the kitchen. I take slow strides and stop in front of the kitchen counter.

''Hi,'' I greet him with a warm smile. 

He looks up from stirring the pot and there is a smile on his face ''Help me with this,'' he calls out to Jack, who just rolls his eyes but obliges. 

Lance walks over to me ''You seemed pissed earlier. Jack said he apologised. Do you forgive him?''

I know what he is doing. He is giving me his puppy dog eyes to find out what happened between us. I made a promise to Jack and I plan on keeping it. the side-eye Jack is giving me is not even helping matters.

''Just Jack being his usual self. It is fine now,'' I assure him. 

He raises a brow; I see the disbelief in his eyes ''Are you sure about that?'' you can tell me if he said anything wrong. I will beat him back to his senses.''

I laugh because he is being dramatic. Lance doesn't look like the kind of person that will win in a fight. He is too tiny to beat anyone, but I guess you can't really judge a book by its cover. 

''There's no need to beat anyone up. We are cool,'' Jack shouts from the corner of the kitchen. I glance at his direction and he is putting the noodles into plates. 

Guess their idea of dinner is ramen. 

''Dinner is ready. Stop interrogating the guy. There is nothing to figure out,'' Jack walks into the living room with the two of plates. He places them on the counter table and Lance walks over to get the last one. 

''So what did he say to you. You seemed pretty pissed earlier.''

I look at Jack and he gives me pleading eyes even though I had promised him earlier that I wasn't going to say anything. I don't plan on outing him. I don't plan on being the one to tell his best friend something I think he should on his own. 

''Just had to handle work stuff,'' I lie because this is not my truth to tell.

Jack goes back into the kitchen and I watch him as he opens the fridge and grabs three bottles of coke. He places one in front of me ''I don't drink soda,'' I inform him. 

He raises a brow in confusion ''That's a joke right?''

''No, can I actually just get a bottle of water?'' 

He rolls his eyes and walks back to the fridge, lance grabs my arm ''So, you didn't ask me how it went.''

I furrow my brows, he continues ''Me and Ford,'' he reminds me that the last conversation I had with him was about his boyfriend. 

''Yeah, I guess you guys made up?'' it is a question even though from my observation, I can say I am right. 

''Yeah, things are actually great right now. It feels like we have no secrets. I like the space we are in.'' 

Jack walks back and drops a bottle of water next to my plate. I manage a smile at him, that he chooses to acknowledge as he ruffles to sit down on the chair that has his clothes. He tosses them to the floor and grabs his plate, digging into his food at once. 

I don't know why I seem to be focused on him. Lance is holding onto me and all I can think about is Jack and the night we spent together. Lance is the one I have a crush on. He is the one I should be excited to be with—not jack the ass. 

Fucking hell. 

The rest of the dinner goes by swiftly as I try to be less awkward than I feel. Jack avoided my eyes all through the meal. I know he is trying to hide last night from being obvious, but it doesn't seem to me like Lance has a clue. He is acting as normal as possible; he hasn't noticed any weirdness between us. 

No one but jack and I is thinking about that night. That is why I need to avoid them all as much as I can. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to want him again. 

''I'm spending the night here today, can't leave my old buddy here alone,'' Lance informs me even though I didn't even ask. 

''that's nice of you.''

I look up to the kitchen and Jack is doing the dishes. Our eyes meet a couple of times but he tries to hide it. he is watching me, trying to listen in on my conversation. Making sure I don't spill the beans. 

I stand up from the couch ''I should go, it is pretty late and I've got to wake up early in the morning.'' 

Lance sighs ''We're playing video games, are you sure you don't want to join us,'' 

''I can't. thank you for having me.'' 

I don't tell him that I would rather do anything than play video games. I don't tell him that I don t play video games. I keep all that information to myself, I walk to the door with no intention of ever setting foot in this apartment again. 

This is me letting go of him.

************

My alarm rings for the third time in a row. It is five o'clock again. I need to fucking remember to change the time on this phone. This whole waking up at five is messing up my sleep pattern. 

I get up from my bed unable to fall asleep and change into running clothes. I might as well get so exercise since I am up by this time. This doesn't have anything to with the fact that I know Jack runs around this time. This has nothing to do with him. I am not expecting to run into him. I have no hopes or intentions. 

I just want to get the fresh air before I have to go to work. 

I go down the stairs till I am outside. Looking at the sky, it is already bright. The sun already out and beaming. I put my earphones in my ear and start my exercise, letting the past couple of days wash away with all the sweat that falls off. 

I keep running until my breath is heavy, I run a couple of miles and then back to the apartment building. Looking around, I search for him. I hope to bump into him. 

Who am I kidding? This is the sole reason I came out this morning. I wanted to see him. I wanted him to roll his eyes are me. make some snarky comment. Irritate the fuck out of me. I just wanted to be in his presence even though I don't know what that even means. 

Why do I keep thinking about him?