Chapter 80 - Friends?

Patrick. 

I didn't linger in front of the apartment building in hopes that he would see me. Or rather in hopes that I will bump into him. Yes, I know I was looking for him earlier, but I gave up. Everything just took a toll on me. all my worries keep eating up at me. 

Every single thing that I have had to go through. 

Flashback. 

''Do you think you will ever be loved?'' my father's words echo through my room. He says this all the time, there has never been a time where he didn't feel the need to remind me that I am going to end up alone. There was never a time where he didn't tell me how much of a mistake I am. 

I don't need his reminder. I already know this; I already know how much of a loser I am. I will never find someone that will love me for me. I am meant to spend the rest of my life alone. 

I stand up from my bed and head to the direction of the door. Whenever he is like this, I always try to avoid him. that is the only way I have been able to survive for as long as I have. 

''Where do you think you are going?'' he pulls me back by the collar of my shirt. I close my eyes as I try to control my temper. There is no point in answering him. 

''Let me go,'' I warn him.

His hands clutch my shirt tighter. I already know where this is going to go, he is going to hit me. prove to me that I deserve this. ''You've suddenly grown enough balls to talk back at me.'' he tosses me so hard that I hit the edge of the door. The pain is sharp, I know it will leave a bruise. I am used to the bruises, I am used to all the insults. 

''How dare you talk back at me?'' 

I remain quiet because there is no point saying anything. He will say all he needs to say and then leave. I watch him, with my back against the door. I don't plan on doing or saying anything at this moment. Once he is tired, he will leave my room. 

''No words anymore? Suddenly lost your balls huh?'' 

I take a deep breath because it is taking a lot from me to ignore him. a lot more than I can handle right now. 

''You're just a fucking coward,'' he spits the words out. 

I feel it in my bones. The hatred etched in the undertone of his voice. This man really hates me, and I am his son. How can a father hate their child so much? 

''It takes one to know one,'' I growl out all the anger and frustration within me. it is the hardest thing to be able to resist answering the man and today I will learn my lesson from it. 

He grabs the award I got in the fifth grade in art class. The one I have always been so proud of. It is made of glass, my name is written boldly on it. I know what is to come, I try to dodge it, but I am not fast enough. I feel the impact of the one thing I am proud of. I feel the pain, the pain he wants me to feel. 

''Hi,'' his voice travels through my ears and gets me out of my thoughts. There is a smile on his face. this is the second time he is smiling at me. it is weird that just a smile is making me giddy. 

''Hi,'' I reply. 

He scratches the back of his neck nervously beside me. he is covered in sweat from his run. His shirt sticks to his body and I can't help but look at the hint of his abs. leaving the rest for my imagination.

''About earlier, I wanted to thank you. For you know, keeping things a secret from Lance.''

''I told you it was okay. It is not my secret to tell.''

He grins ''I know I said we should be strangers, we are supposed to hate each other and everything but you're cool people. I want us to be friends.''

I raise a brow. 

Friendzone. 

As usual.

That is just his way of saying he doesn't actually hate me but he doesn't want anything more from me. I am used to this, the fact that people like hanging around me but no one actually wants more from me. this is not my first rodeo. 

I am not saying I all of a sudden want to be with him, but it would be nice to feel wanted for once in my fucking life. 

''We don't have to be friends,'' I brush it off because I am all out of making friends. 

He chuckles nervously ''Why not?'' 

I shrug ''This is obviously you feeling guilty about the way you treated me. I don't need your pity.''

He waves his hands in the air immediately ''No, this is not about that. I actually would like to be friends. No jokes.'' 

I raise a brow. He watches me curiously like he is waiting for my answer. I don't want to be his friend. I don't even know what I want but it is definitely not friendship. 

''We don't have to do this.''

He sighs ''I know, this is not a have to situation. This is a let's call a truce and stop thinking about the past.''

A truce? 

He is basically saying we should forget about everything that happened in the past. I don't want to forget about the past. I have tried to forget that night. God knows I have tried but every time I close my eyes, I see him from that night. I see that expression on his face that I probably won't ever see again. I see the way he held me, kissed me and I don't want to forget about it. he might want to act like it never happened because he is ashamed but I can't act like it didn't happen, especially when I wish it could happen again. 

''We already have a truce.''

He laughs and I watch him run his hands through his hair, his hair looks darker this morning from its usual bright ginger. Maybe it is from all the sweating. Suddenly I imagine him in the shower, how will he look wet? 

Fuck. 

''Yeah, we kinda do but that is not what I mean. I can help you; you know.''

I furrow my brows in confusion ''Help you get over Lance. We could go out. Try to pick up girls'' he pauses ''Or guys, whichever suits you. I will get you to find someone that feels the same way about you.'' He adds. 

I don't tell him that I feel like I am slowly getting over Lance because I can't tell him that he is the only one on my mind. I keep that information to myself because he might think his words are making things better, but they aren't. he is basically telling me he doesn't want me either. 

''No thanks, man.''

He grabs my arm and pulls me closer ''Come on Trick, this will be fun. I feel like we could really get closer,'' he tells me with his hand still lingering around my arm. 

''Trick?'' 

He nods with a proud smile ''don't you like it?'' 

I shake my head ''What does it even mean?'' 

He rolls his eyes ''I got it from your name, you know Patrick—trick?''

''It sounds stupid.''

He laughs and then let's go of my arm, nudging me in the process. ''It is exemplary. I don't know what you're talking about.''

Slowly a smile spread to my face suddenly, I like the fact that he has already given me a nickname. Somehow it makes me feel special, even though I know it probably means nothing to him. 

''Just give this a chance. Maybe that night was a way to show us that we can be cool together.''

Together as friends—I remind myself. 

''Fine,'' I finally agree in defeat. 

He wants to be friends. I will be friends with him. at this point it feels like I am just leaving to please the people around me. maybe eventually I will live for myself alone. 

He stretches his hand out and I watch him in confusion.

''Let's shake on it. Make this official,'' he explains like this is some sort of business deal. I reach for his hand even though I know this is not such a good idea. We can't just be friends, especially after what happened between us but if he wants to play dumb and see if this will work out then I will play dumb with him. 

Our hands' touch and I feel the spark immediately. It is quick and without any warning. Our hands stay lingered no one wanting to let go. He is watching me, the smile still on his face. I hope he can't hear the pounding on my chest. My heart feels like it is in a frenzy. This is just a handshake, but it feels like more to me. 

It feels like everything.