Chapter 82 - Honesty Never Hurts.

Jack.

I don't know why I am telling him all this. 

Maybe I just need to get it off my chest. It has been eating me up. The way I treated Patrick after. I am not the type of person that turns into a monster when they are in denial. 

Right now it feels like I am in denial. 

Patrick was right, I have gay panic. 

Not because I hate the fact that I could be gay but because of my father. The one person I wish was proud of me. He looks at me and sees a disappointment. A mistake in his life that he wishes he could erase. 

''How did that happen?'' Lance asks quietly. I can see the shock written on his face. I can't tell if he is upset. I could've fucked anyone else but the one guy that had a crush on my best friend. As usual, it is that one person that I shouldn't that I did. 

''We were drunk,'' I tell him the truth. 

I always end up telling Lance the truth. The fact that we have been friends for so long just makes me trust him with my whole heart. 

''Is that why things are weird between you two?'' 

I nod. 

He sighs. 

''How do you feel about him?'' 

I run my hands through my hair. This doesn't have anything to do with Patrick. I don't suddenly love him. there is no sudden feeling involved. It could have been anyone. I could've gone to a club and picked up a random person. The fact that Patrick was there, just makes him unfortunate. I meant what I said, I just want to be friends with him. he is a great guy and I don't plan on being the monster that ruins him. I see Patrick and I want him to find someone that will make him happy, someone that is available and in the right frame of mind. I am not that person for him. I don't even know if I am fully gay.

Shit, I don't even know what that means. 

''I don't know, I guess he is not as bad as I thought he was.''

He nods in understanding, almost like an 'I told you so' moment. I knew that Patrick was a good guy, I just also knew that he wanted Lance. I could see it in his eyes, every time he was around. That look upset me, I hated the fact that he didn't seem to care that he was in a relationship. I hate people that try to take what is not theirs and that Is why I was so mean to him even though he didn't deserve it. 

''What are you going to do about all this?'' 

He is asking me a question that I don't know the answer to. What am I going to do with the fact that I might be gay?

''I don't want to be gay,'' I say deadpan. 

He nods. Lance knows. Lance has witnessed my fathers outburst before. He knows how the man feels about gay people. he understands why I don't want this so badly. 

''You know your father is just a fucking bigot? Nothing you do will ever be good enough for the man.''

He is right. 

I remain quiet. 

''Why do you give a shit?'' he questions. 

I don't know why I even care so much. The man is never around, he doesn't have any influence on my life. So I keep asking myself why this should matter to me so much. Why I don't want to add another disappointment to his list. 

''I don't know.''

Lance places his hand on my shoulder comfortingly. I feel a little better letting all this out. I don't know how people keep things inside. I felt like I was going to explode but talking to Lance about it is a relief. 

''How does Patrick feel about it?'' 

I shrug because I have been unable to get into his head. we agreed to be friends the last time I saw him. he didn't seem so pissed at me anymore. I mean, it is not like the guy is suddenly in love with me. There is no harm in being friends. 

''He is still in love with you,'' I point out which gets an eye roll from my best friend. 

I know he never actually said those words, but I also know that the guy has the hots for my best friend. 

''That's not the point. Are you guys cool? Will you keep being a bitch to him? what was the agreement after the whole sex thing.''

''We promised to never speak of it… oh and we're trying the whole being friends thing.'' 

He nods ''So, that's why you asked if you guys could hang out?''

''Yeah,'' 

He smiles ''I don't have a problem with it. You can steal him from me. fuck, how amazing would it be if you guys became a couple? We could go on double dates.'' He grabs my arm and starts to jump from the excitement of whatever is going on in his head. 

''There is no coupling up here. I am not going to be anything but a friend to him.''

He chuckles and then winks ''that is what you think, just you wait until you guys finally fall in love,'' his eyes shine. I mean, Lance is a dreamer. He thinks the world is happy and he will always get his way. He doesn't see life the same way that I do and I don't blame him, it is good to be in a bubble. One where things work out for you. That is not what is happening with me. my bubble is dark and dingy. There are only problems in my bubble and until I can escape from this bubble, I plan on doing things the way I always have. Patrick suggested skipping town. I don't even know how I will do that successfully. I would probably end up homeless or something. 

I just need to get my shit together before I can take that step. 

''Can I ask him about it?''Lance asks. 

I shrug ''He doesn't have any problems with it. I was the one that begged him to keep it a secret.''

''Wow, you are the worst best friend ever. How could you keep something so juicy from me?'' he lets go of my arms and folds his over his chest. Now he is being dramatic. I know he is not upset. The fact that I told him in the first place, makes up for it. 

''I'm sorry. I guess I was scared that you would be pissed that it is him.'' 

He rolls his eyes ''I don't care that it is. Patrick is a good friend and now my best friend and my good friend could be a potential couple.''

I glare at him ''We are not a couple. Never will be.''

He sighs ''I have a lot of question. How did it feel? Who was top, who was bottom? Did you use protection?'' he rambles like I would be able to answer all his questions at once. 

I acted like I didn't even remember the night, now Lance wants me to talk about it so casually.

''I can't disclose anything.''

He frowns ''You cared about my sex life with Ford, so what makes you think you can just keep this to yourself?''

I shrug.

''We should go back inside,'' I remind him. he came here to watch his boyfriend play a sport he knows nothing about, so that is what we should be doing. 

''Shit, how long have we been out here?��' 

''Long enough to know that the game is over,'' we both turn around at the same time and see Ford with a frown on his face. he looks very upset. I mean can I blame him? Lance totally ditched him to be out here with me. granted, I am grateful that he did cause I needed him but will Ford understand.

''Babe,'' my best friend runs over to him and wraps his arms around him, completely ignoring the fact that he is covered in sweat. 

''I can explain, oh wait I can't. I am sorry. Please forgive me,'' he cries dramatically. I already know that Ford will forgive him. there is no doubt in my mind. 

''Do you guys need me here?'' I ask already feeling like a third wheel. 

Lance shakes his head and shoos me away ''I will just go on home since I am not needed.'' 

I take a step away from them and to the parking lot where my car is. It is a Friday night and I don't think I want to be alone right now. There's a party that I could go for, maybe I should call Eren, see if he is available. 

I dial his number and it goes straight to voicemail. Eren is always with his phone, so the fact that my call went straight to voice mail means he is busy or unavailable. 

The only other person I could ask is Patrick. We could try out this whole friend thing. It could work out.

Well here goes.