Chapter 89 - Worry.

Patrick.

He fucking left me here alone. 

From the beginning, I knew this was a bad idea. Coming here with him and acting like we were friends. There is nothing going on between us, the fact that we are even deceiving ourselves is all that keeps bothering me. 

I told him I wanted to go home and he chose to leave me here all on my own. Francis is talking but I am not even paying attention to him. I am spaced out. I saw him leave through the exit with that girl. I saw the kiss, as he grabbed her and pulled her closer. How his hand fit perfectly in the small of her back, the way he held her. 

The right way it is supposed to be between a man and a woman. The one that comes without any complications. It hurt, to see him walk away from me and not be able to say anything. I don't even want to be here any longer. I just want to go to bed and accept my fate. The fact that I will forever be alone. 

I have come to terms with it. I don't expect anything anymore. I don't wish for more for myself. Tonight, was just a fail. Jack misleading me unknown to him. I thought there was a chance that he felt the same way. I wished he'd only want to spend time with me. 

Now all I have is regrets. 

''You know, you shouldn't be so hung up on him. try and move on,'' Francis brings me out of my daze with those words. 

Try and move on. 

He is talking like he has a fucking clue. He doesn't know anything about my life. So he has no right to tell me what to do.

''it is not your business. You don't have to linger anymore. I am fine on my own now,'' I tell him completely over this outing. I know I am giving him a lot of attitude especially when he is trying to keep me company. All he has done is help me. At least with Francis, I don't feel so alone in this club. Jack just left me and that was like a reminder. I am nothing to him, no matter how much I try to push to be anything, I will never be. 

''I am sorry. I guess I am imposing. I don't mean to be so controlling. I just saw you and there was a pull. Do you want to try and have a good time with me? maybe forget about him?'' 

I stand up from the stool. He seems like a great guy. If things were different, I might give him a chance but that is not what I want. I don't want to forget about Jack by moving on to someone else. This is not what I need. I just need to go home. 

''I am sorry. I need to leave,'' I tell him as I drop a twenty for the bartender for my drink. Francis stands up as I head to the direction of the exit. 

''This didn't go as I wanted it to. Can I have your number? Maybe I can call you, and we can hang out sometime?'' 

I don't want to give him my number. I haven't even looked at him closely. ''Do you really think that is a good idea, after how tonight went?'' I ask him. he has to know that I am not interested. I have been pushing him away since he started talking to me. he should really take a hint. 

''Please. You never know,'' he raises a brow as a way to try to convince me. 

At this point, all I want to do is leave. If giving him my number will make him leave me alone. Then that is what I will do. 

''Sure,'' he passes his phone to me with a bright smile. The thought that he could be so happy from collecting my number is so confusing to me. This man doesn't know me. He shouldn't be that giddy from a number. 

I give him back my phone and he finally lets me go. I walk out of the building and as the cold air hits me, I close my eyes as I try to take all that has happened in. tonight was a complete fail. I only ended up hurting myself by going out with him. 

Thinking about it, what was the purpose. What did I really think would happen? Jack is in denial, he chose to leave tonight with a girl. Intentionally avoiding that other part of him. 

I am not saying I have completely accepted myself. I didn't ever really think of myself as gay until Lance but I am willing to explore it all. Find out who I really am. Jack is denying it all. 

I call an uber and get to the apartment in about thirty minutes. I don't send him a message. I don't tell him that I have left the club. The fact that he left without even a word makes me feel like he deserves the silence from. We went there together but he left with someone else. Not even explaining shit to me. 

I know it wasn't a date and we both had people we were with. I chose to have that drink with Francis because I didn't want to have to watch him be happy with the girl he was with. 

Tonight is just filled with regrets that I can't take back. 

I get to my apartment and take off all my clothes hurriedly. A shower and ice cream is the only thing that can help me feel better right now. It feels like my heart has been broken. That final silhouette of his back to me as he left the club is heart-breaking. 

I know what is going to happen. They will have sex; he will have sex with someone that isn't me. 

I think that is the most painful thing about this night. I hate that he is going to be with someone else. I wish that he was with me right now. I wish he wanted me. 

I don't want to be his friend. 

After my shower, I put on a pair of boxers and head to the kitchen. I grab the ice cream from my freezer with all the hopes on getting the sugar high that will make me forget this night. I don't want to even think about this night when I wake up in the morning. 

I sit on the couch with the tub of ice cream, turning on the television in the process. The series called The Office is showing, so I settle on that as I eat my icecream. This is pathetic of me but it is the only thing I can do until I close my eyes and drift off to sleep. 

********************

I hear a loud knock on my door. It feels like I am in a dream state. I jump off from the couch as the knocking gets louder. The ice cream on my lap has melted. Looking at the clock on the wall, I see that it is one in the morning. I sat on this couch at twelve, so I have been asleep for just an hour. Why does it feel like I've been asleep all night? 

I drop the ice cream on the table and switch off the tv. The knocking continues and even though I don't know who it is, I have an idea. 

''Trick, open the door,'' I hear his voice through the door. 

Why is he here?

Yeah, I remember leaving him last night. I didn't even send a message to explain that I would be going home. 

He must be pissed. 

I walk over to the door and grip the handle with a turn. His face is the first thing I see, there is a worry in his eyes, maybe a little bit ofo remorse. Why is he so worried. 

''I have been calling you,'' he forces his way into my apartment.

I close the door and my eyes roam around for my phone. I didn't even hear it ring. Maybe its on silent. 

''I fell asleep,'' I manage groggily. 

I don't even know what is going on. He is supposed to be with the girl he left with last night. why is he suddenly looking for me?

''I got back to the club and you weren't there,'' he whines. 

I furrow a brow ''You left without even saying a word. Does it matter what happens to me after?''

All the pent up anger that I have been keeping inside, choose to come out at this moment. I don't want to talk to him about anything and I don't even need to explain myself to him. 

''I went a couple of blocks down. You were with that guy and I was worried sick. I thought something had happened to you,'' he moves closer to me and I watch him unsure of what to say. 

''Well, I am fine.''

He sighs ''Are you upset about something?'' 

He cannot even tell. He doesn't think he has done anything wrong. This might be an overreaction on my part but I can't help myself. 

''It's late Jack, why don't you just go home.'' 

I walk over to the door and he raises a brow. This is what I have decided. I don't want to think about him, I don't want to be hopeful when it comes to him. 

He walks out the door and I watch him. 

''Can I call you tomorrow?'' he asks. 

I manage a faint nod before closing the door. 

This is for the best.