Chapter 98 - The Night You Saved Me.

Ford.

The night I met Lance. 

Another party that I don't give a shit about. 

People in my house. Friends mixed with strangers. These are all people that wouldn't even blink a tear out of my eyes if I was dead. 

Dying. 

Sounds like the best thing right now. 

I have it all planned out. 

Tonight is the night I gather all the courage. The night I do what I have always wanted. I am tired, fucking exhausted. I can't stay here any longer. It is not like I haven't tried. Every day that I wake up and live my life is me trying. The demons are winning. I can't keep on breathing and acting like I am perfectly fine when I am already dead inside. 

I have thought about this for six months. This is not a spur of the moment decision. I have it all mapped out. Have a last hurrah with my 'friends'. I put it in quotes because none of these people gives a shit about me. they are all here but they wouldn't care if I was dead. 

I am not blaming them. This is all on me, I take full responsibility for everything that has happened to me. this is all on me. I don't open up to people. I am rarely present. They can't force a relationship with me when I am not interested. That is why I don't blame them. 

I take full responsibility. 

I don't want to know them. I don't want to be happy. I don't want to smile. There is no point in trying when at the end of it all, I'd crawl back to that demonic place. 

The place in my head where I am worthless and unloved. 

Tonight is the last night I will have this fake smile on my face. I am done pretending. I don't want to be in this world any more. I am ready to let go and finally be free. 

''Hey,'' Carla walks to me with a smile on her face. 

Carla, one of the people I call a friend. Carla is perky, always happy and she makes me hate myself even more. I wish I could be like her. I want to not care about the bad things and focus on the good things. 

I have a lot of good things in my life. I don't have to worry about money. I have people that want to care about me. there are people in the world that don't even have the basic necessity. They are starving and here I am complaining about my life. 

I know it is selfish but the longer I stay on this earth, the longer the pain will eat me up. 

I don't want to be ungrateful to God but I am tired. There is nothing pulling me back. Telling me to stay strong and fight for my life. there is no reason why I should continue living. 

''It was a surprise when you asked to have this party,'' she says pulling her headphones out of her ears.

I chose a silent disco party because I wanted people here but I also didn't want to hear them. This is the best idea. I know, killing myself with all these people around is heartless. I don't want to be alone when I do this. that is why this is the best way. 

''I wanted to do something for a change,'' I lie. 

It is rare to see me having a party. They were all surprised when I announced it. I don't have any regrets because once it is 12 am I will be doing this. there is no easy way to kill yourself. I did a lot of research. 

The most painless way to kill yourself. 

Everything else seemed so far fetched. The best one I could do. a gunshot to the head. I read that it is instant when done right. I know, gunshots are loud—so hence the silent party. No one would hear with noise cancellation headphones. It is the perfect idea. 

The best thing about this is how easy I came across a gun. Father has one in his study. It is supposed to be locked and safe but I watched him once open his safe. 

''You don't look okay,'' she points out noticing. 

It is hard for people to really see that I am dying inside, maybe they all choose to ignore it but I think I hide it well. Tonight is different. this is the last time I will be breathing. This is the last time I will be alive and I am kind of nervous and afraid. I have already made up my mind but there is still this fear within me, that this decision will be a mistake. 

I try to ignore all the voices in my head that are against this. I only listen to the demons. They know what they are talking about. They know how I feel. They want this as much as I do. 

''I'm good,'' I lie, the way I have been doing all my life. 

She pats my shoulder comfortingly and plants a soft kiss on my cheek. Hurriedly she walks away from me and I am alone as I usually am. I check the time on my watch. Just two more hours and I can leave this world. 

The door opens suddenly and two guys walk in. one has hair that is so red, it is blinding. He is not the one that catches my attention. In fact, he doesn't even resound in me. The other guy on the other had calls out to me. I see him from the railings upstairs where I am leaning. 

He whispers something to the redhead. I ignore the laugh that the guy gives, obviously finding what he said funny. My eyes stay fixed on his. There is a look of disinterest on his face. He looks like he would rather be anywhere but here. I would rather be anywhere but this house to. 

He seems relatable.

He is also gorgeous in this unpretentious way. He will fit in my arms perfectly. Fuck, why I am thinking about this right now. why do I want him in my arms? 

I am leaving tonight. 

There is no point thinking about the things I could do to this boy. God, I want to talk to him. he collects headphones from the man at the door and I notice that he doesn't put them on. He is not interested in this party. Now I can see that. 

Why would you come to a party when you don't want to be here?

At this point I know ii am being creepy but pardon me, he is intriguing. So intriguing that I think I should talk to him. I mean, what is the worst that could happen? I won't be here tomorrow. There will be no judgement cause the I won't be here. 

I watch his friend say something to him and my heart beats heavily against my chest. Slowly he looks up, his eyes find me. I don't know if he sees me but there is this look on his face. the kind that makes me want him even more.

Jesus. 

I guess I am doing this, I need to talk to him, the only regret I will have this night is if I die without talking to him. I know he is not in our school. He doesn't belong in this crowd. There is a chill in him that everyone here lacks. The kind I want to get to know. 

I can't believe I am interested in getting to know someone. I know I can't do anything but talk to him tonight. I already have a plan and I can't falter on that. I have to do this. I need to end all the misery. 

I run down the stairs, to get to him but he disappears before I can. I look around the crowd at all the people that seem happy. He is not here. 

My eyes search for him. my one mission is to talk to him tonight and if I don't, I will die miserably too. I get to the kitchen and he is there again. His friend gives him a bottle and this time they stay longer whispering into each other's ears. I am jealous. So fucking jealous of people I don't even know. 

What the fuck is happening?

His friend leaves him and I am glad. This is the opportunity I was looking for. he is alone and now he wouldn't mind some company. I will be his company tonight. Maybe it is the other way around. I don't want to be alone before the end of the night. 

I want to be with this beautiful stranger. 

He clutches the drink tightly and I take a step forward. All my courage finally mustered up. My beautiful stranger turns the other direction and walks out of the kitchen. At this point I have lost the courage. I follow him up the stairs and watch him as he searches for a room. I don't know what he plans to do and now it seems like I wouldn't be able to talk to him. 

He gets to my room and a smile crawls up to my face. 

This is my opportunity. 

I can talk to him.