Chapter 99 - The Only Two Options.

Ford. 

I don't want to go home, knowing I failed him. I couldn't convince Lisa to delete the video. 

I completely messed things up. 

There is this fear lingering within me. I already know how this is going to end. We are going to have to break up or risk my father finding out about this. the moment he finds out, he is going to send me to that facility again, or somewhere far away and then I will never see Lance again. I don't want to lose him. he is the only reason I am alive. 

Like literally, I don't think I would be alive if he didn't come into my life. So losing him is not even an option. I need him in my life for my sanity. He is the only person that matters. The only person that cares about me, that doesn't judge me and I can't lose that. for the first time in my life, I want to live I want to see another day. I don't want to die. And that means I have to fight for him. that is all I can do. keep fighting so I don't lose him. 

What do I tell him now?

I left him thinking I could save us from our own personal hell that is Lisa. I didn't succeed. I mean, what was I even thinking? She was never going to just delete the video. Of everyone that could have seen us, it just had to be her. The one person that would never be on our side.

I park my car in the garage again. I see him immediately. He is still on the steps of the door that lead to the house. His arms are covering his face on his knees. Slowly, he looks up when he sees my car. There is a sad expression on his face, it seems like he has been crying. I don't want him to cry. This is all my fault. I know the demons will be laughing right now at my demise. 

I don't want to lose it today. 

He needs me now. 

Lance stands up but doesn't come to me. he is waiting for me to reach out. Talk to him. I don't know what to say. I want to assure him that everything will be alright. How do I do that when I don't believe it. there is no solution right now. 

I get down from the car because I need to hold him. I don't know how much longer I can be in his arms for. it feels like time is ticking with our relationship. Like there is a bomb that could go of at any minute. 

He doesn't come forward. I know I have to go to him. I didn't really handle his honesty well. I appreciate the fact that he told me immediately. I don't know if I would've done the same. Maybe I would have thought I could handle it on my own.

I was very hard on him when he told me. I want to make it up to him. I still don't know what we are going to do about Lisa but I just want to hold him tonight. I walk towards the steps and I notice that his eyes are red. He has been crying. 

Fuck I hate this. Now I even feel more guilty for yelling at him. He probably thinks this is his fault. The fact that we had sex in school but I don't blame him. I did everything on my own. He didn't force me, I wanted him as much as he wanted me and won't ever put this on him. 

I climb up the stairs and he watches me quietly. There is no movement on his part. That is fine, I mean I will always go to him. for the rest ofo my life. 

Suddenly coming to a stop in front of him, I take a deep breath. Unsure of what to say to make things better. 

I should apologise for earlier first. 

''I—.'' 

''How,''

We both speak at the same time. 

I want to go first. Cause I need to make things right before we talk about Lisa. Even thinking about her right now is irritating to me. 

''Can I go first,'' I speak up. 

He nods still very quiet. 

''About earlier, I am sorry for freaking out. I shouldn't have spoken to you in that manner. Please forgive me.'' 

He manages a faint smile, but it is not sincere. I don't know if he is actually still upset with me or just worried about the whole situation. I wish it is the latter because I can't handle him being upset with me. 

''It's okay. I know you didn't mean to,'' he brushes it off.

I shake my head ''No, it is not okay. I shouldn't ever talk to you like that. you didn't do anything wrong. this is not your fault.'' 

I am trying to let him know that I don't blame him. I want to assure him of that because I know Lance. this will eat him up and he will hate himself, thinking he is the one that caused this. I don't want him feeling that way, especially since this whole thing started with me not wanting to be out. 

If Lance was given the opportunity of being honest, he would tell his mother about this. I think she is a chill enough person to accept him. I see the love in her eyes when she looks at her son. She genuinely cares about me. My father on the other hand will see to it that I never see him again. I know how that will end. 

''I caused this. I am the one that went into the shower, knowing we were in public. I shouldn't have done that.'' 

''No, I agreed to it. I could've stopped you. I knew it was not the best idea but I was excited too. I wanted you too. So this is not your fault. Nothing has ever been your fault. If it wasn't for me Lisa would have not been in your life. everything is my fault. Not yours.''

I reach for him and he doesn't push me away. The tears that I know he is trying to hide come out. There is no point fighting it anymore. 

''What are we going to do?'' he cries almost like he knows I failed with my outburst. 

Leaving him and storming back to the party was pointless. All I got from that was seeing Lisa's true colours. She is a vindictive manipulative bitch and I have got to stay away from her. 

''I don't know. I just know that I am not letting you go.''

That is the honest truth. Lance needs to know everything about me and my relationship with my father. He needs to see the whole picture before we decide to be open about this. At this point, there is no other option. We cant be a secret anymore when Lisa has that video. 

I know she doesn't want to get it out because that means she will completely lose me if she does but if she doesn't get what she wants, then she will stoop that low. 

''Can we just tell your dad about us? maybe he will understand.'' 

I shake my head ''He will not accept this. he told me to stop getting close to you. Cause he didn't want me to catch what you have.'' 

I never told him about that night because I didn't want him to suddenly hate the man. Dad is nice to him. that is the most important thing now that he is stuck in my family. I don't want to be the reason why there is suddenly awkwardness between them. Just because I don't have a good relationship with the man doesn't mean it should be the same with Lance. 

''Wow. My mom thinks he is okay with me being gay. If she knew he felt that way, she wouldn't have married him.'' 

I knew he was pretending to be perfect from the get-go but I didn't want to be the reason for them not getting married, even though that is all I wanted at that point but now, it is done and over and there is nothing I can do. 

''Look the fact that he is a homophobic bastard is the least of our worries. He always likes to control the situation. Me being gay is outside his control and he will not accept that. Now add the fact that you are his new wife's son to the mix. Danger zone. We will never win against him.''

He sighs loudly. 

''My mom will not like this but she will try to accept me. she loves me.''

Just as I knew before but this is not about her. There are only two options. We can pretend to break up, then Lisa will think she won or we run away together. I don't know how to tell him that because I know he wouldn't want to go back to being a secret. He wouldn't want to watch me pretend to date Lisa. 

Maybe he might agree to run away together.