Chapter 101 - Seeing All The Colors In Life Because Of You.

Lance. 

We get to the apartment and I take off all my clothes except my boxers and crawl into my bed. I just want to close my eyes for tonight and forget everything that has happened tonight. 

Ford stands by the door, unsure if he should come in. I stretch my hands out for him because I want to be in his arms. With a warm smile, he crawls into bed with me. The room is dark and very quiet. It Is already early morning, the night has already passed us by but I just want to sleep in. tomorrow is Saturday. I don't have to worry about anything. Mom and john will be back next week. We have a week to figure out what we are going to do. 

I don't know what is in Ford's mind. what does he suggest we do. whatever he says, I will follow. As long as he doesn't suggest breaking up. I am not breaking up with him, it is not in my plans. 

''Are you okay?'' he breaks the silence ofo the room. I am thankful to hear his voice. It is the only soothing thing about this situation

''Yeah,'' I mutter quietly. 

His hand strokes my hair calmly. I rest against his chest in the confinements of my tiny bed. We have gotten so used to sleeping on this bed, somehow it makes me feel even closer to him when we squeeze together like this. it is not uncomfortable. 

''Do you want to talk about this or do we do this in the morning?'' he asks. He is still thinking about it. I haven't forgotten but I choose to block it out this night. There is nothing we can do tonight, so I don't want to think about it. I just want to be with him, in this room. 

''Can we talk about it tomorrow. I just want you tonight.'' I look up at him and hie eyes are inviting. I want to feel his love. That is all I want for tonight. I hope he wants that too. 

I lean forward until my lips are on his. He presses his lips to mine, the desperation in the grip of his hands around my waist. I climb on top of him, giving him more room to lie down on his back. His arms tug at my waist as he tries to mesh me into one with him. our lips are still dancing together, the rhythm filled with longing and eagerness. I grind my hips into him, the only barriers right now is our underwear. I want to get them off and feel him completely. I want to make love to Ford tonight. I want to feel everything with him. 

The reality of our relationship is dawning on us, but I want to stay in the la la land. I want to feel all the love I can from him. I don't ever want to let him go. 

''I love you, Lance," he breathes out heavily. 

I don't need to reply, he already knows. My heads reach for the waistband of his boxers. His lips are still pressed to mine as I get them off, hurriedly grabbing him in my hand. He lets out a soft moan and the sound sends me to heaven and back. No one is sexier than Ford, except for the way he is when in my arms. 

I stroke him as he hardens against me. his legs shaking from the complete pleasure. My dick rises underneath my boxers, poking him in the leg but I don't stop stroking him, feeling him get even harder from my touch. 

''Is this a good idea, you've been crying all night. I think you need a breather,'' he manages. I hear his words, but his actions say otherwise. He doesn't want to stop this. I don't want to stop either. 

God, I want him so much. 

''Stop talking,'' I smash my lips to his and he gives in completely. Tonight is for only good vibes. I am tossing all the negative energy away. Just for one night. He grabs me by my waist and turns me around, now putting us in reverse. My back hits the mattress and he smiles as he pulls off my boxers, revealing me completely and ready for him. I let out a soft breath, trying to control the tension within me. he smiles mischievously and I arch forward to get closer him. I feel him as he reaches for my entrance. I grant him complete access. He can take all of me without complaint. 

''I will never let you go,'' he breathes into my ear as he slowly slides a finger into me. I groan out from the slight discomfort, but he doesn't stop—not like I want him to. 

We had sex tonight once. The cause of all our problems but I still feel starved off him. I need more of him, and I just had him, I don't know how anyone will think they have the right to take him from me. 

I reach for his dick as he puts another finger inside me. it is not enough. I want more from him. 

The chills run through my body as he goes deeper into me with his hands. My body is pleading for more. I want him inside me, and I want it now. I guide his dick to my entrance, and he melts into my mouth, a moan escaping his lips. Slowly he pushes into me with a long-awaited growl. 

''Fuck,'' he moans out, completely devouring me.

I close my eyes as I try to adjust to him and all that he is. We didn't use a condom the last time we had sex; we are not using a condom now. Ford is the only one I have ever been with, so it is safe to say that I am clean. We haven't talked about this before, but I know it is something we need to talk about. Right now, the only concern on my mind is the fact that losing him is a probability. 

''You are mine,'' my voice echoes through the darkness in the room. No one is going to take him away from him. I will not let him go. I choose to hold him as tight as I can and never let go. ''You are mine,'' I repeat as he grinds into me, sending me off the wall. 

We keep moving in sync to each other until we get the release, we desperately crave. The moment he falls on me, I hold him even tighter, not caring about all the sweat on me. 

There is a comforting silence after sex. The kind that can't be explained. Where you both hold each other and think of the moment you shared. That is what is happening at this moment. I am in his arms and there is a certain euphoric feeling. 

''Can I tell you something,'' he speaks up, completely enclosing that moment with a conversation. 

''Yeah,'' I look at him. his eyes are closed. He is beautiful, even in this darkness. I am so lucky to have him. 

''The night I met you. At the party. I had a plan.''

I look at him, I don't know what he is going to say but I want to hear it. everything about Ford is intriguing. I know this is going to mean a lot. 

''What plan?''

He opens his eyes, there are tears welling in them but they don't come out. Somehow they remained fixed inside like he is fighting out the tears. This is not going to be intriguing, I can already see the pain in his eyes. This must be hard to say. 

''I need to let you know that it is over. I don't feel that way anymore. You're in my life now and that is all that is important.''

This feels like a disclaimer. Almost like he wants me to know that it doesn't matter now. I don't like this but I want him to tell me. I want him to be honest with me. this is the start of that honesty. 

''I don't care Babe, nothing matters but right now.'' 

He manages a smile but the pain is still etched deep within. 

''That night, I was going to kill myself.''

As those words travel out of his mouth, my heart stops in my chest. I feel like I can't breathe at that moment. Just thinking about it is giving me the creeps. That night, Ford wanted to kill himself. 

He was going to end his life. 

My beautiful boyfriend was so depressed that he planned to kill himself. I cannot even fathom that thought. I can't comprehend it.

''It's over now, I was at the lowest point in my life. I didn't want to continue living. Nothing meant anything to me,'' I watch him still at a loss for words. He continues ''You came into my life and brought all the colours with you. You shined like a light, you made me want to live again.''

Wow. 

This is a lot of pressure. 

What if I don't live up to it. 

''I am not telling you all this to make you worry or feel bad. I don't feel that way again. I don't want to die anymore. You have shown me a lot these couple of months. I see how beautiful life is. I appreciate all the little things now. All thanks to you. You don't even know how much you saved me when you walked through those doors. I would never take you for granted''

His words are shocking but they are also heartbreaking. 

I will never let him go.