Chapter 127 - Selfish Desires

Lance. 

Do you know that moment where you feel like someone is watching you while you're sleeping? 

I feel that way right now. 

I pull Ford closer as he wraps his arms around me but something doesn't feel right. Something is wrong and I can't place it. 

Slowly, I part my eyes open and my mother's figure is peering up at me. There are tears in her eyes. At first, this feels like a dream. There is no way she is here right now. That will mean, our secret is not a secret anymore. I jump off from the bed and this gets Ford out of his trance. He opens his eyes and upon realization, he covers himself properly with the sheets. We are both on the floor, our only source of comfort are our pillows and body. Since my bed is too small, we have gotten so used to sleeping on the floor. Somehow with him in my arms, it is not so uncomfortable. 

''What the fuck is going on here Lance,'' she shouts so loud, I can already tell she is angry. 

This is the first time she has ever raised her voice at me in this manner. I knew I should have told her before she found out. How did she find out?

''Mom, I can explain,'' I try to sound as calm as possible. This is a win or lose situation. 

Either she understands or not. 

I hope she does. 

''Get dressed right now,'' with that she walks out of my room and slams the door loudly. I look at Ford and he has this terrified expression on his face. I know we have been saying that we are ready to come out as a couple but now that it has become real, I don't know how if feel about it. 

''It's going to be okay,'' I try to assure him but how do you assure someone when you are not even sure about anything. The look she gave me will forever be etched in my mind. She looked at me with disappointment, like somehow I have let her down. 

'This is all part of the plan. We said we were going to be honest. We just have to tell her the truth,'' he tells me as he starts to put on his clothes. 

What is the truth?

I don't even know anymore. 

When I finally gather up the courage to put on my clothes, I walk out of my room with Ford, holding unto me tightly. We get to the living room and she looks up at me from the kitchen counter. Her hands are in a fist, her hair is a mess on her head. She is dressed in a plain t-shirt and shorts with flip flops. The fact that she is wearing flip-flops just shows me how in a hurry she was to come here. My mom hates exposing her toes. Till this day, she still calls them dinosaur toes. She says they are crooked and ugly. 

I don't see them that way but that has always been her insecurity.

''Mom,'' I call her name so low that she almost doesn't hear me. she looks up and the frown is still on her face, slowly, her eyes shift to our hands and I retract from him immediately. This is not the time to be rubbing it in.

We need to find a way to convince her that this is not so bad. I don't even know how I plan on doing that. 

''I need to speak to you alone,'' she tells me. 

I shake my head ''This is about the two of us,'' I insist because her splitting us up will just make things difficult. 

We need to be together. 

''Marybelle, please just let us explain,'' Ford speaks up for the first time. 

She shakes her head ''I don't have anything to say to you, Brad. This is between me and my son.''

This is actually between me and Ford but maybe she just wants to be able to freely express herself without him being there. I don't mind having a conversation with her. 

Maybe I can try and explain things to her. She is so angry right now that I doubt she will listen to reasoning. 

''Okay, I will wait in your room,'' he tells me. the expression on his face is a 'You can do it,' expression. I know I can get her on my side but I don't think it will be that easy. The fact that she found out on her own and not through me is probably what hurts her the most. 

Once Ford is in the room, she walks over to me and slaps the top of my head painfully. 

"Mom,'' I cry because it actually hurts. 

''don't mom me,'' she warns me glaringly. 

I get why she is pissed but she is acting like a child right now. 

''How could you do this Lance. You didn't see any other guy in the whole fucking world but John's son… how is this fair?'' she accuses.

No one understands. I didn't choose to fall in love with him. This happened before I knew he was John's son. 

''I didn't know he was John's son. You know I met him at a party before i was introduced to him,'' I remind her.

The frown remains on her face ''and after you found out? Why didn't you stop whatever this is?'' 

''Because I love him.''

She laughs. 

I frown ''It is true, I love him mom and I don't plan on letting him go.''

''You can't do this to me, Lance, this is unfair. I finally find someone I love and you just have to do your usual and fuck it up.''

The fact that she is swearing just shows me how pissed she is. She hates being this person in front of me. whenever I curse, she shouts on me to stop and now the tables have turned. 

''This is not about you, it doesn't matter if we are together.''

''It matters to me. John is very strict, he wouldn't take this and you know that.'' 

Oh, so she knows just how much of a monster that man is. If she is okay with marrying a psycho, then she should not drag me into it. 

''This is about me and Ford. We don't have to live by your rules.'' 

''I am still your mother,'' she yells. 

I nod ''Yeah and I love you very much but if I have to choose between Ford and you, I will choose him.'' 

That is the truth. 

There is no doubt or hesitation in my mind. Ford is my future and I plan on spending the rest of my life with him. I am almost eighteen. I have my life to live for me and if anyone tries to do anything that will end in making me unhappy, then I choose to let go. 

''You will choose a boy over your own mother?'' she asks in disbelief. 

I nod ''Mom, it doesn't have to come to that. We can all be happy together.'' I try to reason with her. 

She frowns ''It will not work. I will not accept this."

I sigh ''Please mom. At least think about this clearly.''

I am trying to convince her even though I know it can never be that easy. Maybe after a couple of days but right now, she will never see what I see. I look at her and there are tears in her eye.

''I have tried to be the best I can be for you. After your father died, I had nothing. I worked so hard so you wouldn't have to suffer. I took care of you but all you ever repay me with is problems.''

She is being mean right now. 

''That's not true.''

''Everything with you is always difficult. I have to bribe you when I want you to do something for me. you act however you want. You are so selfish. Have always been.''

She is talking about my dad. 

We don't talk about him. 

What is her point right now? 

''I am not perfect but you can't say all this about me. I have tried to be a good son. Just the way you've been there for me. I have been there for you. I had to take care of myself growing up. I get that you were busy working to take care of me but I never complained. I tried to understand that you were trying. So saying I am selfish is unfair. I didn't plan this. Do you know how hard it has been for me? My whole relationship has been hard because I keep thinking about you.''

Now we are both crying but I need her to see that this is not my selfish desires. I didn't do this intentionally. This was out of my control. 

She reaches for me, but I take a step away from her. I feel too terrible right now. I don't know if I can continue this conversation right now. 

This is harder than I thought it would be.