Chapter 139 - The Therapist

Ford. 

He leaves me alone and I feel the plight of his absence. I don't know how much more I can last without him. This place will slowly eat me alive. I have been here before but this time is worse. Last time he locked me up, I didn't have anything to look forward too on the outside. Now, things are different. He is so far away from me and I am slowly losing my mind. I told him everything. Things that I thought I will never speak of. Maybe it is this place that is doing this to me. It has a way of messing with my mind. 

I might seem okay to everyone but the thoughts in my head a ruining around and driving me crazy. It has just been one day. Thinking it could end up being more than a month, scares the hell out of me. 

''Dr Mathew would like to see you now,'' one of the nurses, Catherine tells me as she enters my room. I look around the empty space, wondering if now would be a good time to create a scene. I don't want to see anyone right now. Even though Doctor Matthew has been my therapist for years. He thinks he can miraculously cure me. I mean, there is no cure for my disorder. Everyone in this hospital knows I am bipolar, but they are all trying to make it seem like there is more to my sickness. Like my moods are not the only thing that is affected. Talking to a doctor won't help me. I am not a problem to anyone. I just want to be left the fuck alone. 

''Do I have a choice?'' I ask her as my eyes slowly meet hers. 

She smiles. They always have these fakes smile on their face. Maybe this is their way of being friendly to the mentally ill person but to me, I find it condescending and patronizing. She is not my friend, she doesn't need to act as if she cares about me. 

''Come on Brad, you know this is the fastest way to get out of here. The more you fight, the longer you stay here.''

The last time I was here, I was the most problematic patient in the hospital. I didn't talk to anyone for a whole month, I refused to eat, I would always spit out my meds and she is actually right. My stubbornness is probably the one that kept me here for as long as I did. I don't know what fathers plan is, he might want to keep me here for as long as possible. I don't want a situation where I will end up here for a year. Maybe I should just behave. 

Pretend that I actually want to get help. 

I stand up from the tiny bed, looking at the bed, it reminds me of the one in Lance's apartment. The one we would squeeze together, wrapped in each other's arms. Now, this bed seems too big, to empty without him. I don't know how long I can last without him. 

Following Catherine, she stops in front of Doctor Matthew's office. His name is written in bold on the door. The man that thinks he can cure everyone of their sickness. 

She knocks the door and he opens with a wide smile on his face—see what I said. Everyone is fucking full of smiles. Weird to me that they can be smiling in front of people that would rather be dead than here. ''My favourite boy,'' he says walking over to me and patting my shoulder playfully.

I roll my eyes but he doesn't notice, as his attention is already on Catherine. ''You can leave him to me, dear,'' he tells her and she smiles back at him and walks away from us. 

Doctor Matthew looks older than the last time I saw him. I guess this place has a way of making you look like you're closer to your death bed. His hair is already a full-on grey colour and the wrinkles on his face are more outlined. Shouldn't he be retiring about now? 

Why is he still here?

''Come in,'' he removes his hand from me and walks back into the room. I watch him as he sits down on a couch on the other side of the office. His office is very big, even in a place like this, I still feel like the walls are closing in on me. I wish the floor would open up and swallow me completely. 

There is a larger couch next to the one he is seated on. I am supposed to get comfortable as I talk to him. That is his process, but I have never been comfortable in this place. I have never really opened up to anyone in that place and don't think I want to start anytime soon. 

"Have a seat please,'' he gestures me to the chair. 

I don't want to sit down but I have no choice. Sluggishly, I walk over to the couch and he watches me with the most patience expression on his face. Once I am seated. He grabs a notepad from the table next to the chair and looks back at me. He plans on writing down everything I say and then using it against me. 

This is not my first rodeo and if my father still has me on his reigns, it won't be my last. 

''So, how have you been since the last time I saw you?'' he asks me. 

I was supposed to see him every week but after the first couple of months. I stopped showing up. Father only cares about me when it affects him and since I was laying low and quiet, he didn't feel the need to push on it. Now that I am affecting his marriage. He is back to overreacting. 

''Same,'' I shrug uninterestedly. 

He nods ''you want to tell me why we are here again? What happened.''

I am pretty sure he already knows what happened but the fact that he is asking, just means he wants to know what I think happened. How I see everything. 

''My father can't handle that I am gay.''' 

He writes in his book and then looks at me again ''you think that is the reason? That John is homophobic?'' 

I nod. That is the only reason. He is doing this because I am with Lance and he can't handle it. He might not want to admit it but that is the truth.

''This boy, he is your stepbrother?'' 

It sounds like a question but to me it is rhetorical. He knows what he knows already and nothing I say will change that. He just wants to find a way to make me see that I am crazy. I mean, that IS his job. 

''Yes.''

''Do you think this has anything to do with the fact that you are not happy that your father married someone else?'' 

I furrow my brows in confusion. 

What the fuck is he talking about?

"Maybe you didn't want your mother to be replaced and now you are lashing out.''

Why does he keep asking me questions that are not questions? He is wrong about his assumption. I don't care that he got married. I never cared about that. His life is his life but I see where he is going to. The angle he is taking this. 

''Sure, if you say so.''

The smile disappears from his face as he realizes that he isn't going to get through to me. I have nothing more to say, it already seems like he has all the answers to his questions. 

''I spoke to your father when he brought you here. He doesn't have a problem with you and Lance. He wants to make sure this is YOUR own decision and not the…'' he pauses ''Demons in your head, as if you call it.''

I sigh. The demons have nothing to do with me and Lance. Lance is the only light in my dark world. He is the only one that matters and now they want to taint that and make it into something it is not. 

''I love him.'' I breathe out those words. 

I really do love him. 

He writes down in his book again and I rest my back on the couch. I am exhausted with this conversation. I wish he would just let me go. ''Are we done?'' I ask him. 

The smile returns to his face ''Do you want to be done?'' 

I shrug, I don't know the point for his question. He should just say what he has to say and let me go ''did you tell your father that he killed your mother?'' 

I frown. 

I didn't say that out loud. I don't remember telling him that. I only thought about it.

''I didn't say that.''

''Your father told me. He looked really pained. Do you think you are just lashing out and taking things out on him?'' his words affect me a lot because that is not what I am doing. Why is he doing this to me?

''I didn't tell him that.''

I repeat totally confused. 

I don't even know what is happening.