Chapter 142 - The Secret That Follows You

Patrick. 

The moment I walk into the house, I see him in the living room—waiting for me. I know I have a lot of explaining to do but I don't think I am ready to do that. How do I tell him the truth, how do I tell him everything with the assurance that he won't leave me.

He stands up from the couch as I close the door "You're here,'' he comments.

I nod as he walks away from me. The fact that my mother found me just means I have to move again. if this happened before me and Jack, I would've packed all my things and run away again. I know this is my life now, as long as she knows where I am, I have to leave.

How do I explain this to him?

"Work was so exhausting,'' I think this is the best angle to go with now. I don't want to talk about it, because I don't have the explanation to give him. The one that is believable. I can't lie to him. I love him too much to do that. Lying to him is not an option, so keeping the truth from him is the only thing I can do.

"Are you hungry?'' he asks as he stops in front of me. I warp my arms around his waist and he smiles warmly. It melts my heart completely. That is the power he has over me. He can turn me into a clingy mess with just a hug—now I don't want to leave him.

"I don't mind food,'' I tell him. 

He nods "Do you want to go out? We could find a quiet place. Have dinner together?'' he suggests and it sounds so appealing. Suddenly I want to do that but I also don't want to go outside, in case she comes back.

"Is lance home now?'' I ask him.

He nods again "He went to bed early. The dude is tapped out.''

I completely understand and even though I can't say I know what he is going through. I still feel bad for him "Come on, just to talk.'' He urges me and suddenly it is not so appealing anymore. Talking means, asking about what happened earlier. I don't want to talk about that yet. I don't want to lie to him.

"I am quite tired,'' I repeat in hopes that he will just take the hint and let this go for now.

"Okay, I get that." He raises a brow and then adds "I can check the fridge for something.''

My fridge always has leftovers. I am not really a fan of eating out. Usually, after work, I like to stay at home. Maybe it was just the part of me that didn't want to be found that made me such a hermit but it paid off…until now.

He lets go of me and suddenly I feel so alone. I want to be in his arms again. Gosh, I am desperate. Jack walks over to the fridge and opens it. He smiles once he is done rummaging through it "There's fried rice and chicken, is that okay?'' he asks.

How did I get so lucky?

I know he is curious about earlier, I know he has questions but he hasn't said anything. Probably because of the way I am acting but I am very grateful for him.

"You should have a shower while I heat it up. We could eat together."

I leave him and walk into the bathroom. The face I stare at in the reflection scares the crap out of me, because the fact that she is here just brings back all the memories. Not saying that I forgot them, but I pushed them so back in my head that her coming is flooding them all back in. I wanted to forget. I wanted to let it all go but how can I do that when she is alive. Not that I want her dead—God no. that is not what I am saying.

See, I am already spiraling.

Thinking of the worst ways to get rid of this problem.

This is fucking insane.

I take off my clothes hurriedly, like pouring water on my body will wash away all the evil thoughts

I am having in my head. This is what they do to me. They terrorize me until all the anger within me bursts out and completely takes over.

I can't let that happen.

I have everything to lose now.

Jack is in my life. Things are perfect, I am finally happy. I walk into the shower and the cold water hits me immediately. Whenever I feel like this, I shower with cold water. I like to feel the cold on my skin. It makes me feel something other than what is in my head. It feels so great but I feel like shit. I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want to show him how affected I am by the visit.

We are still in the fresh stage of our relationship. I get that he has his baggage but it can never be compared to mine. No one will ever understand what I did.

I can't ever say it out loud.

I hear a knock on the door and this gets me out of my head "You okay in there?'' his concerned voice echoes through the door.

"Yeah,'' I manage, same time shutting off the tap.

I grab the towel from the hanger and wrap it around my waist. Opening the door, Jacks curious eyes peer at me. The worried expression is evident on his face. I can't hide my fear and worry. He can see right through me.

I don't even know how long I was in there.

That is how far gone my mind is.

"Babe, I am worried. What is wrong.''

I manage a smile "Nothing,'' I walk into my room and he follows me "I am just very tired.'' I lie because I don't want him to worry about anything. I will eventually have to tell him about it all but not right now. I am not even ready to talk about it. Saying it out loud makes it real, I don't want this to be real yet. I am too ashamed of myself and all the burdens I carry with me. There is no way, Jack will understand. 

"The food is already on the table,'' he follows me into the room. I watch him, unsure of why he is all up in my face right now. He must be curious about earlier and he is afraid to ask.

''Can I just change and I will come out. Do you want to ask Lance to join us?''

He smiles "I already did. He just wants to crash and call it a night.'' He informs me. I wanted to use Lance as a distraction. Maybe it we talk about his problem; he wouldn't be so interested in mine tonight. 

"Okay, a couple of minutes?'' I ask him. 

He hesitates for a second. I know he wants to ask me. Silently, I pray he doesn't ask me anything. 

''Cool,'' he manages and leaves me in the room. I walk over to my closet. My hands shaking uncontrollably. This is all taking a toll on me. I don't know how to handle it. I grab a pair of clean underwear from a drawer and put it on over the towel. Once I come out, I am sure he will ask me.

What do I tell him? I have to find a way to evade the truth but I can't lie about it. I don't want to lie to him. 

After I am dressed, I walk out of the room and he is seated on the dining table. He looks up immediately and a smile spreads to his face "Come on,'' he urges me.

Once seated, he grabs my hand in his. I knew he was going to talk about it immediately "There's no pressure here,'' he whispers.

My heart races against my chest. 

It feels like there is but his words somehow feel comforting to the moment. What was I even thinking? I can't keep this from him. There is no way I can have a normal relationship with anyone and hide this. It will come out no matter how hard I try.

"Okay,'' I manage. '

He smiles "You can tell me when you're ready. I just want you to eat something and rest. This is not my way of getting it out of you.''

It feels good knowing he is not pestering but I don't know how long I can keep this from him. She is here, she knows where I live, so she will be back. There is no doubt about it. This has happened and it will happen again.

He plates my food for me, and I watch him. Hating myself in this moment but his smile gives me a little bit of assurance. Maybe he wont judge me.

Maybe he will still love me after the truth is out.