Chapter 153 - The Confession

Jack. 

I told him I loved him. 

Maybe that was just a way to get him to see that I am not here to hurt him. I didn't let his mother come so I could hurt him. My intentions were pure. Now that I think about it. I shouldn't have agreed to it. I should have just been patient. He would have eventually opened up to me. 

He walks closer to me and before I know it, he is in my arms "I love you too. More than you could ever imagine'' tears well up in his eyes as he lays down the confession. This feels insane but it is also the most amazing thing ever. 

"I'm sorry for the way I handled it all,'' I apologize again. 

He looks up at me, there is an expression on his face; one that I can't really read in this moment. I don't know where we stand but I also know that we will be okay. 

I will be here for him, through whatever he is going through. "You shouldn't have done that. I know you don't know what is going on and I should probably tell you but I am scared. I am scared to let you down. Once you find out, things will change between us."

He is still in my arms and right now this is more progress than I expected. I need to nip this in the bud. Get him to talk to me. Open up about everything. Now is the time. 

"Can you believe that no matter what happens, I will always love you?''

He sighs loudly. I can see that this is very hard for him. His mother asked him about his dad. Almost like she doesn't know where the man is. Could something have happened to him? Is she insinuating that he has something to do with it?

"Loving me and wanting to be with me are two different things."

"Okay, I understand everything you are saying. You feel like I will judge you, or leave you once I find out whatever happened but can you just give me the benefit of the doubt. Trust that this thing between us is more than whatever happened?''

I am trying to convince him but it should be easier than this. Being in a relationship shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't have to beg him to tell me all his worries. I guess we both have a lot to learn. We have to grow in this together. We have to make this work, no matter what. 

He came into my life and for the first time, I felt something other than worry. I felt accepted, I wanted. I didn't mind that he saw all the worse sides of me. That he knows all my fears. I want to show him everything on the inside. I want him to know me for me. I know we will get there because I will never let him go. No matter what. 

"I have never mentioned this to anyone. I don't even know how to,'' he breathes out. 

If I continue this way, we will just keep going back and forth. I need him to tell me as it is. I need to know the truth now so that I can know how to help him.

"Do you want to keep this to yourself forever?''

He shakes his head immediately. I pull away from him and grab his hand in mine, squeezing it gently "Do you want to tell me this knowing that I will not judge you?'' 

He sighs, "Just say it. Rip the band-aid off. I can promise you that I will not judge you. I will not crucify you. No matter what is it.''

That is the truth.

From the way he is reacting, I can tell that this might be something I might not want to hear but I need to know. I need him to trust me. Even though whatever this is might be scary. 

"Come on,'' I drag him back to the couch in the living room and then sit down next to him. I am still clutching unto his hands like somehow this is a way to prove to him that I will never let go. Deep down I know that this is not easy for him and I want to be there for him. 

"Why didn't you want to see her?''

He sighs and then takes a long exhale. I can already sense that he is going to tell me everything. This is the moment I have been waiting for. I wanted to know his secret and now I will get the chance. 

Fuck, this is way harder than I expected. He hasn't said anything but I am already panicking. 

"She is looking for my dad,'' he whispers those words so low even though now, there is no going back. He is initiating the conversation even though I had to do a lot of pushing.

"Why does she think you know where he is?''

She seemed so sure when she came. Almost like she was saying he did something to his father. Trick is not that kind of person. He would not intentionally harm someone. There has to be more to the story. His own side—the only one I will believe. 

"No,'' he breathes out but something tells me there is more. 

"Do you want to tell me what you know?'' 

He nods. I wipe the tears from his face as they fall. I knew this was going to be hard for him and this is all I can do. This is the only way I can be there for him. "Remember when I said I knew what you are going through with your dad?''

I nod. 

"It was the same for me, both parents actually.''

I think back to his mom. She didn't look like the kind of person that would hurt her kid. I guess it doesn't actually show on your face. She seemed gentle like she is unable to hurt a fly. 

"They were the worst. I'd get all the physical abuse from my dad, and the verbal ones from mom. It was just too much to handle. I used to justify their actions. Tell myself that they would eventually stop. That things would get better. All the scars you see, they are all reminders, of all the pain I had to go through.''

It is not easy hearing this because I can relate to every word he is saying. It is fucked up that both our parents failed us. He got out of the situation but it doesn't actually seem like he did. Something is pulling him back to that life and I guess I am about to find out.

"I made up my mind, months before I actually left, to leave. There was just never a right time. I was the one fending for us. They needed me and I just didn't have the courage to leave." 

Shit. 

This is heartbreaking. His words are tearing me apart slowly. He is basically telling me about all his struggles and all I can do is listen. There are no words that can comfort him in this moment. He forces his hands out of mine. I don't try to grab unto him. I want him to do this at his own pace. 

"The day I finally decided to go. After all the contemplating and pushing. He caught me packing my stuff. He said he would never let me go. That I couldn't escape from them. I should have agreed with him, found another time to leave but things got heated. He did what he always used to. Hit me, he kept hitting me. I feared I was going to die, I swear, I didn't mean to hurt him. I just wanted to push him off me."

I already know what he is about to say. 

Fucking hell, please let me be wrong. 

Please, God. 

"I hit him on his head with one of my art trophies. The same one that caused this scar,'' he reaches for the scar on his eye. His hands are shaking, I want to hold him again. Assure him that everything will be alright but now, at this moment. I don't know if I can do that because I don't know if everything will be alright. 

"He wasn't breathing. I killed him." he lets out a heavy breath and suddenly I do the same. I didn't even realize I was holding my breath. 

After the confession, he stops talking. I don't expect him to say anything else. That was the secret. I understand why he couldn't say it. Why he kept it in him for so long. I know now that he has been carrying the heaviest burden with him all this while. 

He has been hurting. Thinking he is some kind of monster when in reality, the people that were supposed to protect him are the real monsters. This was not his fault. 

He is not a murderer.