Chapter 163 - As Long As He Is With Me

Lance. 

I couldn't sleep a wink last night. 

I read all the pages of the journal, tried to find something that will tell me more. Tell me something that is from him and him alone. I don't understand anything anymore. If John is not the bad guy, then who is. We have been blaming him for everything. We have been accusing him of all the crimes. 

I even got mom to doubt him. 

I know she loves him. I can see it in her eyes when she looks at him. She loves him so much and she was doubtful of him. Thanks to me. 

What do I do now?

It's four o clock in the morning. I have been awake all night. I tried to sleep. I tried to think of a way out of this. Maybe John is not the bad guy that we all thought he was, but he is not a saint. He hasn't been the best father to Ford. I have witnessed him act like a fucking Jerk. He is not as innocent as he is claiming to be. 

I put on a pair of slides and go out of the apartment. I need some fresh air to breathe. The apartment has been suffocating. I have been unable to even think in there. Eren is supposed to come over tomorrow. We are supposed to get him out of the hospital. 

Do I still want to do that?

If I leave him in there, after promising to get him out, he will assume that I have abandoned him. Everyone seems to have abandoned him. I can't be part of that. 

I walk out of the door and up the stairs to the roof. I have never felt as alone as I feel right now. Jack is with Patrick. They are in their bubble, usually, he would be with me right now and it is not like I don't understand, I just feel so empty and the only person that can get me out of this funk is locked up and as alone as I am. 

I open the doors to the roof and I see Patrick. He turns around slowly and a smile sprawls on his face "A part of me just knew you would come up here,'' he breathes out. 

I smile as I walk over to him. There is a joint in between his fingers. It is already lit and halfway out. Guess he has been out here for a while. "Can't sleep?'' 

I nod and rest my elbows on the edge. He looks back out into the night sky. I follow his eyes. The stars are out and brightly lit around the half-formed moon. The streets are quiet, there is barely anyone outside. "Not at all. You know I am basically about to commit a crime,'' I confess. 

"Yeah, Jack told me. Are you sure you want to do that?''

I shrug. In all honesty, I don't know what I want to do anymore. There are so many conflicting thoughts running through my mind. So many things running through my mind. I think about the fact that he thought he was doing the right thing by swapping the meds when he was a kid when in truth, he was just hurting her the more. If he had left her to continue taking her meds, she might still be alive. I know it is not his fault. 

His father sheltered him, tried to hide the fact that his mother was sick. He was seen as the villain if he had just been honest about everything. All that happened might have been avoided. I know The past can't change but I wish it didn't have to happen the way it did. 

"I have to. I hate being apart from him.''

He nods in understanding. Finally, I can say he knows how I feel. I see the way he looks at my best friend. The love in his eyes. He finally knows how I feel. 

He can finally understand me. 

"What if he actually needs to be in there? What if you are making a mistake?'' 

That question has been running through my mind all night. I keep thinking about it. Wondering If I will become the monster. The person that ends up hurting him, in the disguise of helping him. 

"I don't know. I don't want to second guess myself. I don't want to think about this too much." 

If I think about this too much, I will lose my mind. I will look for ways to keep him in there. I mean, I read the diary. there are things that are not clear. I have doubts about the whole thing. I might end up doing more harm but I already promised him that I will believe in him and only him. I already told him that I will fight for him. I will find a way to be with him again. if I start to listen to reasoning, I will hurt him the same way the people that are supposed to protect him have. 

His uncle and cousin abandoned him. his father and my mother abandoned him. I can't do that to him. No matter what. 

"So, what's the plan after the breakout?'' I am glad and grateful he has changed the topic. I am sure he could tell that it was touchy and was making me uncomfortable. 

"I don't know.''

"Do you want to skip town or just stay here?"

"I can't stay here. You know his dad wouldn't let him be with me.'' at this point, I don't even think it is even about us. I don't even think it has anything to do with him being gay. Here I was, thinking that being gay and stepbrothers would be our biggest challenges. I thought that would be the main focus. The obstacles that we would have to deal with. It has become so much more than that. Almost like John doesn't even care about all that. Like his only worry is his son's mental health. 

I have even started worrying about the things I thought I could handle. I thought it would be a walk in the park. I didn't mind that he would have ups and downs—fuck, everyone has ups and downs but right now, it seems like more. It is not just about his bipolar disorder. 

"I think you should do it, Lance. It seems like you are the only one that genuinely cares about him." 

I love him. I don't want anything to happen to him. he is my only source of happiness. The one person I want to be with all the time. I am not even thinking about all that we will have to face. All I can think about is being with him. 

"I know. I have to do this,'' I repeat his exact words. 

He smiles, for the first time, I look at him. he looks different. Happier. This is all thanks to me. if I try, I can achieve anything. I can be with Ford. We can be happy together. 

"Thanks, Patrick.''

He takes a whiff of his blunt and then closes his eyes "I would've offered you some but I think right now you need your mind in one place,'' he laughs. I can't help but join him in his laughter. Patrick has always been easy to talk to. From the first time, I met him. I always knew we would get along. Somehow, we have a lot in common. 

"You should actually get some rest, tomorrow is a big day for you,'' he reminds me. even though that is like the elephant in the room. I don't think I will get any shut-eye. My mind is focused on getting Ford out and all the things that could possibly go wrong. I don't want to be negative. In fact, I need all the positivity right now but I am still scared. Worried that I will fail him and in turn, something terrible will happen to him. 

These are all the things that will keep running through my mind until he is with me, even when I finally get him out of there. I have to think of a plan. I have to make sure he is in an environment that will keep him sane. 

I still think about the day he told me about his suicide attempt. Granted, he didn't do it, he didn't even try. Mostly because of me, as he said but I keep thinking there could be the next time. He would lose all hope again without me in his life and try to hurt himself. 

I need to get him out of there, because as long as he has me. he will be fine. He will not hurt himself. 

we will take the vacation we talked about. we will skip town for a couple of weeks. stay in our bubble, figure out what will make us happy. 

I don't plan on letting him down. 

I don't plan on ever letting him go.