Chapter 170 - Worthless

Ford. 

He doesn't trust me.

I overheard him talking to Jack and it has been bothering me all week. I don't know how to talk to him about it. How to assure him that I will not try to hurt myself.

But you want to. 

Isn't this exhausting?

The demons shout at me. Their voices have been louder than usual and I know it is because of the meds. I lied to him. I couldn't get it. I am useless without my father and I don't want to prove him right. He will bask in this for the rest of my life. He would control me for as long as he can. I don't want to worry Lance. I hate myself so much right now because I involved him in this.

You should've stayed at the hospital. 

You are worthless. 

I feel worthless right now. That is all I am. That is all I ever will be. This happens a lot, I question everything about myself. Nothing I do is ever good enough. The door to the bathroom opens and Lance stands by it, watching me intensely. He has been looking at me weirdly. It feels like he is turning against me.

I don't want to believe that but if he can't trust me then I don't know what to believe anymore.

"Are you okay,'' he asks. The bathroom is dark, the way I want it to be. Sometimes the darkness soothes me. The light is blinding. It makes me worry and think too much and I feel like I am losing my mind. I can get why I will look not okay to him. I am staring at the mirror in the dark like some crazy person.

Maybe he is right to worry about it.

Maybe I am crazy.

I have been having dreams. A lot of them. Things that I remember happening differently. The scar on my neck. Seems like it happened but I don't remember it happening. I don't remember that night going that way. I went home to pack. I was going to run away with him and he tried to stop me.

Everyone wants to silence you. They want to control you. 

They are trying to make me lose control of myself. I don't want to start doubting him because he is the only one I trust. He is the only one I love. Lance has been there for me through it all. Since the beginning, he has stuck by me. He has my back and now. The conversation he had with Jack is the only thing that keeps popping up. It keeps making me worry and overthink things. I look at him and I don't know how to feel. What to say to him.

I am losing my damn mind.

"I am fine,'' I answer him with a blank stare. It is not that I don't want to talk to him. I want to be my normal self with him. I want to wrap my arms around him and kiss him. I want all the things our relationship started out with but I feel so numb. Like all the feelings and love that I have for him are buried so deep and no matter how hard I try to push them out, they just won't come out. They want to stay buried. The demons are keeping them at bay.

He smiles and walks into the bathroom, switching on the light. I squint my eyes as the rays of the fluorescent bulb hits me. BLINDING.

"You haven't eaten anything all day. Do you want me to order something?'' he asks with that same worried tone.

The kind the nurses would use on a patient.

Cause you are sick. He is treating you like you are sick. 

I shake the thought out of my head even though it keeps pulling its way out. "I am fine, I am just a little tired,'' I manage as he stops in front of me and reaches for my face. I close my eyes because even though all the negative thoughts, my body still responds to him and him alone. His hand stays on my face "You know you can talk to me, whatever you are feeling you can let me know." He breathes out those words.

You can't trust him. 

He will turn his back on you, just like everyone else.

Why is this happening to me?

Why can't I be happy?

This is the man I love. He is here with me. After everything. He still stuck by me, so why can't I just see that and not doubt him. Why do I have to have all these conflicts in my mind? Why can't I just be happy?

I take a step away from him and he sighs loudly. He can already tell that I am straying. This is not the first time that I have treated him like this. I explained to him that there would be days when I wouldn't even want to be near him but right now, all I want to do is be in his arms. I want to love him as much as he loves me but I can't.

I feel so empty and alone. Even though he is here, it doesn't feel like he is.

"I need to take a nap,'' I tell him as I walk away from him and to the bed. I climb the kingsized bed and pull the covers over my head. I can hear his footsteps in the room. I am not tired but I don't want to talk to him. Maybe I can't talk to him right now because of the guilt I feel towards him.

I close my eyes until I drift off....

"You know it won't be good if Brad should see you like this,'' Dad tells mom calmly. I am hiding in their closet. I don't even know how I got myself in this mess. Dad warned me not to play around in their room and that is exactly what I did today. I didn't know that they would come home early. Whenever they go out, they usually come home very late. 

Now I am eavesdropping on their conversation.

Mom doesn't like it when I listen to adult conversations. She said it is rude and not a nice thing to do but if they don't know that I am in here, then there is no harm. 

"He hasn't noticed anything. He is just a kid John. There is no need to worry about him.'' 

He sighs "He will notice one day. The moods. The injuries on you. He might be a kid but he is smart. What if you hurt him during one of your episodes?'' 

I look through the tiny holes in the closet. She is seated on the bed and he is in front of her. Dad looks sad. 

"I won't hurt him,'' she cries. 

"But you might,'' he retorts. 

"I don't want to go to the hospital. I want to watch my son grow up. I want to be a good mother to him,'' at this point, I see the tears as they rush out of her eyes. I have never seen mom cry. This is the first time she will shed a tear in my presence. Okay, she doesn't know I am here but I feel sad. I don't want her to cry. 

Dad wraps his arms around her "That won't happen. I will make sure that doesn't happen. You have my word. You just have to promise me that you will take your medication. That is the only way I can trust you with our son.''

She pulls away from him and nods her head incessantly "You can give it to me. Make sure I take it every day. How about that?''

He smiles and then plants a soft kiss on her lips "We got this baby.''

I jump off from the bed and Lance is beside me, sleeping. I just had another memory or should I say, dream that I don't fucking remember.

It can't be real.

Why did I forget about that?

How could I have forgotten something so big?

Do you know what that means?

If he was giving her medication, and I was swapping it. Then I was wrong all along. He wasn't trying to kill her. He loved her.

I am the one that killed her.

Cause you are worthless. 

This time, I actually believe the voice in my head. I have never felt so worthless. I am a murderer. I killed my own mother.

I get up from the bed and Lance stirs in his sleep. I don't deserve to live. I thought Lance gave me a reason to live. I thought I didn't have to be alone anymore. I thought we could find happiness in each other but now I see things clearly. I am only going to end up hurting him. Like I am doing now. He upped his whole life to be with me. Left his mother, his best friend. School. Everything.

I can't be the one that brings him down.

I have to end it all before it gets worse.