Chapter 171 - I Can't Save Him

Lance. 

I shift on the bed, checking around to feel him with my hands with my eyes closed. He is not on the bed. I open my eyes and sit up on the bed, slowly looking around the room. There is only one light on. The one by the bed. Before we went to bed, he was acting weird. It seems like he is always acting weird, these days. I don't know what is wrong with him because he doesn't want to talk to me.

I have been trying to give him space and time to figure things out but there is no progress. He is in his own head. That place that he doesn't let anyone in. I get up from the bed and open the bathroom door. He is no inside. Okay, now I am worried. Shit, why didn't I hear him leave and why did he leave in the first place. I look at the clock by the bedside table and it is three in the morning.

I don't even know where to start looking for him but I do the best thing I can do. I check the lobby of the hotel; I check all the hallways. I check by the pool, the gym. I have no way of calling him. We decided not to use phones because we didn't want them to find us. I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to look. I have no way of finding him. after an hour of searching, I go back to the room. The first thing I do is grab my phone. I switch it on after a long time and I dial Jack's number. He doesn't answer and I start to pace around the room.

I dial his number numerous times, but it goes straight to voicemail.

"shit, shit, shit,'' I exclaim loudly, running my hands through my hair.

I can't take this. worrying about him. what if something has happened. What if he hurt himself and I never find him?

I can't take all this.

I dial Patrick and he on the other hand answers on the first ting.

"Hey, you're using your number again,'' he exclaims sleepily.

"Is jack sleeping? I need to talk to him.''

"No, he is asleep. Do you want me to wake him up?''

"Yes. I need him right now.''

There is silence on the other end of the line, after a couple of seconds, I hear Jack's sleepy voice "Dude, it is three in the morning, this better be an emergency.''

"I can't find him. he left the room and I can't find him,'' all the tears that I have been holding off on start to pour out. I can't hold them out any longer. The pain, the worry. Thinking about all the sad things that have happened. The things he has gone through. what if I never see him again? I couldn't save him and maybe his father was right. Maybe the best place for him at that time was the hospital and I went and screwed the whole thing up.

"What are you talking about?'' he asks.

"Ford, I don't know where he is,'' I tell him.

He sighs "Like the hotel?'' he is half here right now and I know it is because he is half asleep right now.

"Yes, he was acting weird earlier, I don't know why and then we went to bed. I woke up and he was gone.''

"Did he take anything?''

I shake my head "No, I checked our things. All the clothes and stuff are still here. I don't know what happened and I am worried.''

He sighs "I'll drag Trick, we will come help you look for him.'' he suggests.

I don't know if that will be any help. I think all along, I shouldn't have brought him here. We didn't have a plan. We just left with no plan and now, he might be hurt somewhere. "I think I need to call john. He knows Ford the most. He can help us find him.

I can't believe I want to go crawling back to the man I thought a monster. I was so sure he was the bad guy but now I don't know anything anymore. I am here, in this room alone without the boy I wanted to fight for and I don't know what to do.

"Are you sure about that—" I cut him off "I have no choice. Ford could be hurt somewhere. I don't know what to do.''

This is the last resort. There is nothing else I can do.

"Okay, call him. let me know what happens. If you need us. We are right here,'' he offers but there is absolutely nothing he can do.

I end the call with Jack and dial John's number. He doesn't answer. It is late. Everyone is probably asleep.

I dial my mother's number and unlike her husband, she answers on the first ring "Baby,'' she calls out loud, the worry evident in the tone of her voice. it makes me feel more like a jackass because I know how worried she must be and this one phone call must be very important to her. because of Ford, I have treated everyone like shit. I have been selfish all because of love. I abandoned the only person that has always been on my side and now that Ford left me—okay, maybe he didn't leave me but he left anyway, I am calling her again. Asking her for help.

If I were her, I wouldn't help me but I guess that is the difference between us. I know she is going to help. She would do anything for me.

"Mom, I messed up. I need you.' I cry into the phone like a baby. She sighs into the phone loudly as I relay everything that happened until his disappearance.

"Send me an address,'' she tells me "John and I will be there.'' She ends the call and I send her the name of the hotel and the address. The minute I end the cal;=l, the hotel phone rings loudly and catches me off guard.

I run over to it because I gave the lady at the reception my room number to call if they saw him.

"We found him; he is up on the roof. A couple of our staff are trying to get him off. We called 911,'' she informs me. my heart stops for a second.

Up on the roof? Trying to get him off?

This seems straight out of a movie that I don't even want to be in. I don't want to see him in this way.

No, no, no.

I end the call and run out of the room in a flash. The thoughts running through my mind are not good. I know what he is doing before I get there. He is giving up even though he promised me that he wouldn't. even though he told me that I would be the reason for him to live.

He said he loved me.

He said he never wanted to let me go and now, he is choosing to end it all. This is not his fault. It will never be his fault. Mental illness isn't on him. He didn't choose this life but it happened. I was stupid to think that I would be a reason for him to fight. A reason for him to stay strong.

Whatever made him go back to this must be bigger than us.

I see people at the door of the entrance to the roof. A man looks stops me from entering "Sorry sir, there is a situation going on right now. we can't allow you to enter,'' he is dressed in a uniform.

"My boyfriend is out there. I need to get to him,'' I push him out of the way before he can stop me any further. Once the fresh air hits me, my hands begin to tremble. I don't like what I see in front of me. There are a total of six people on the roof and I know because I did a mental count. Ford is the only one I see. He is on the edge. Standing so close that with one leap, he will be off this roof and out of my life.

His eyes shift the minute he notices me. he shakes his head immediately. there are tears in his eyes. I have never seen them so red before.

This is all my fault.

This wouldn't have happened if he was at the hospital.

He is spiraling because of me.

"Ford,'' I call his name and take a step towards him. the man that called me on the phone stops me.

"Don't, we have to wait for the ambulance,'' he tells me almost like he believes I could be the one to trigger him and make him fall.

"I am sorry Lance. I can't do this anymore,'' he cries, running his hands through his hair.

I stay there, quiet and terrified. I don't know what to say. I don't have the energy to breathe out words. I am so broken and there is nothing I can do at this moment to save him.

This is not about me anymore.

I am not the one that can save him.