Chapter 172 - The Aftermath.

Lance. 

Everything happened so fast.

I don't even know how I got to this point in my life.

I would've never believed that this kind of thing would happen to me.

"Hey,'' mom walks up to me, there are dark circles around her eyes. Almost like she hasn't even slept for weeks. I feel even worse because this is my fault again. I am the cause of her lack of sleep. Even right now, as she is here with me, I feel like shit. I hate that I had to put her through all this.

She is supposed to be happy with her husband but meeting Ford at that party ruined everything.

I ruined her happiness.

"Come here,'' she stretches her hand out to me and I walk into it as she embraces me. she hasn't said anything to me. we are at the hospital right now. John is here too and I see the way he looks at me. the anger. He hates me because this is all my fault. I don't even blame him. he tried to warn me about it but I just wanted to believe that he was a monster. I only chose to believe Ford even though all I needed to do was be by his side. Help him.

"It's okay, everything will be okay.'' She tries to assure me but I don't know anymore. I thought I would be able to handle things but I caused more harm and there is no going back. "I want to take you back home, you shouldn't be here,'' she tells me.

I shake my head "I can't leave. I need to stay here."

"You can't baby. There's too much damage already. The best thing is for you to leave.

They want me gone. This is practically mom saying I should stay far away from anything that has to do with Ford. They want me away from him.

This is unfair.

I should be by his side. The one that he sees when he wakes up. It is not fair to take me away from him right now.

"You need to leave Lance. This is not the best time,'' I glance at John and there is this look of dismay. Makes me so sure that he hates me right now.

"Okay, I will go home,'' I agree because there is no point in fighting. They will never let me see him. this is the final straw and I already know.

*******************

We get to the apartment. It has been two weeks since I have been here and right now it doesn't feel like home.

I hate everything that reminds me of all that has happened. "do you need anything? food, I can make breakfast for you?'' she asks me as she closes the door.

I shake my head "I just want to be alone." I tell her, walking over to my room. She tries to get me to stop but I don't have the energy. I don't have the strength to talk about how I am feeling. I just want to forget everything that happened. I just want to forget watching him hurt himself.

"Baby, please don't do this,'' I beg him, as I try to take a step closer to him. going up to the rof of my apartment building used to be the place I would go to find solace but now I don't know anymore. I hate this sight in front of me. 

"I can't do this anymore. I can't live knowing that I hurt the ones I love. I should've been the one that died that night. This is all my fault." There are tears in his eyes. I see the pain in them, is like something has shut off in him. the eyes that are staring back at me are dead. The man I love has lost something. I feel like I have lost the person I know and there is nothing I can do about it. 

"I am here, you said you will live for me. you said you will fight. Please fight for me, fight for us.'' I beg him with so much desperation in me. this is my life, standing right in front of me and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to bring him back to me.

He shakes his head and then looks around, at the people behind me. the ambulance has already arrived. There are paramedics and people all over. this looks straight out of a movie that I don't even want to be in. I hate this so much. More than I have ever hated anything. 

"I can't. I am tired of everything. I don't want to be here anymore,'' he confesses. This is not about me. this has nothing to do with his love for me. He is fighting for himself and that doesn't involve me. I shouldn't have taken his word for it when he said he wanted to live because of me. he shouldn't live his life for someone else. He should want to live his life for himself and right now, he is not at that place. He is not at that place and the hospital was where he should have been.

I took him out of there and now we are here. 

"Don't do this Ford. Please, If you do this I will never forgive myself. Doing this will hurt me.'' I beg him. now I am trying to guilt trip him. make him feel remorse for his actions. I don't know what else to do. 

A knock on the door snaps me out of my thoughts. "Mom, I said I want to be alone,'' I shout through the door. I don't want to see her. I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I hate my life right now.

"Not your mom,'' I hear Jack's voice and he doesn't wait for me to respond. He just opens the door and walks in. I close my eyes and pull the covers over my head. I don't want to talk and I hope he takes the hint. I hear his footsteps as he walks over to the bed and stops in front of it.

"Can I lie with you?'' he asks even though deep down; he knows he wouldn't get a response from me. he doesn't take the hint as I feel the bed dent next to me. the bed is small, so I feel his heat next to me. he remains quiet and I close my eyes as the tears fall down my face. I hate this, I hate this so much.

My heart is heavy. I feel like I am dying and just the thought that I might not see him again makes me hate everything. I feel his arms as they squeeze around me. I close my eyes even tighter, wanting the tears to stop but the more I think about everything. the more tears that fall. I can't stop this; I can't do anything to make this better. I have to live my life knowing that I failed the one person I promised to protect.

After a couple of hours of pretending to be asleep. I hear Jack as he leaves my room. He wants to let me sleep even though I can't sleep. I feel like I can't breathe. It feels like I have been sleeping for days. The sky darkens. Another day is ending and it feels like my life is ending with it.

I hear the front door of the house open and I hear the hushed whispers. I recognize the voice. John is here.

Why is john here?

I sit up on the bed and walk over to the door. Their voices are so low. Whatever they are talking about has to do with Ford and I need to know if he is okay. I open the door slowly. I know it is not a good idea to eavesdrop but I need to know that he is okay.

"I just want to talk to him for a couple of minutes,'' he tells mom. I lean closer to the door and take heavy breaths.

"He is not okay right now. I don't think it is a good idea to talk about all that has happened right now."

She is trying to shelter me when all I want is to know that he is okay. I just want to see him. know that he is going to be alright.

"There are so many things tha ti want to ask him. Brad said some things. I just need to know. It is killing me Marybell,'' he sounds sad. I look at this man and I hate that I judged him so much. He was innocent all along.

"He might now want to talk to you. he is not talking to anyone.''

I walk out of the room because he at least deserves to knows what he wants to. He is not the monster that I made him out to be.

"What do you want to know?''