Chapter 174 - Nothing To Fear

Ford. 

"Where are you going?'' he asks me with worry in his eyes. 

I shake my head because I can't believe him right now. There is no shred of concern, he is just pretending right now like he has done all my life. 

"I am leaving,'' I tell him with the bag tightly in my grip. 

He runs his hands through his hair and then lets out a loud sigh. The kind that tells me that the whole thing is frustrating him. I know why he will be frustrated. He wants to control me, the same way that he controlled her. The same way that he had her drugged to the point where she couldn't even leave the house. 

I will not let him do that to me. 

"With Lance?''

We agreed to leave together. There is no going back from that promise. I don't want a life that doesn't involve him and they aren't going to let us be together. This is the best thing for both of us.

"Let me go, dad, I can't live this life anymore. I can't live knowing that you killed her. Knowing that you will do the same thing to me.''

He furrows his brows, there is confusion on his face "You said this when you were a kid. Is that what you think? That I killed your mother?''

I laugh because I know his tricks. I know the things he will say to try and convince me otherwise but I was there. I know how it happened and there is nothing that he can say that will convince me that he is innocent. 

"You don't have to explain anything. I know what happened. I know why she died.'' I tell him blatantly. 

He sighs "Your mother killed herself. She tried to kill you too.'' 

The minute those words leave his lips. Something happened in my head. Like a screw completely loosens up. I feel it and in that instant, I reach for him. All the anger that I have kept, held onto comes out. He is blaming her now. I can't even imagine that he will stoop so low. 

He would paint her in a bad light just to get me to be on his side. 

Another dream that almost feels like reality. I have had too many of these dreams that I am starting to lose sense of reality. Things that happened, now seem to go in another direction. The day I packed my bags, I didn't do anything but now, it seems like I attacked him. it makes no sense to me.

Why would I attack him?

When Dr Matthew said I accused him of killing mom, I didn't believe him but now, with the dream I had when I was out of it, it seems like I actually did. I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.

I should've died.

Why am I still here?

The best thing for everyone is a life without me.

What will I do without you?

Lance's words eat me alive. I can't think of anything but the expression on his face when he saw me. There are times in life when you immediately regret your actions. When I saw him, in tears, all the regrets flooded instantly. I hate myself so much more now.

How do I live on now knowing that he hates me too?

The door to the hospital opens and Dr Matthew walks in. I turn away from him because I don't want to talk about what happened and it seems like that is all he ever wants to do with me…talk.

"Hello Brad,'' he greets me, slowly walking over to the side of the bed that I am facing. There is nothing that I am good at. I will never really amount to anything. The fact that I might have just lost Lance in all this is the final straw.

How do I keep on living?

"You don't have to say anything right now. I just wanted to ask you if you will like to see your father. He is worried.''

I stiffen in the bed, my hands start to tremble, and my legs feel cold. I don't want to face him. Especially after all those thoughts. The dreams that show him in a good light. I don't know if there are real but I don't want to find out. I can't talk to him right now because I am ashamed and terrified. He kept telling me that I am sick, I refused to listen to him—refused to believe him but the fact that I am here on my own, just proves that he was right all along. I don't deserve to be in the outside world. I don't deserve to be treated like I am normal, because I am not.

"I can't tell him that you don't want to see him unless you answer me. I know everything that happened is overwhelming but it might be a good thing to see him.''

I shake my head which is still on the pillow. He leans closer "You have to tell me with words. Although I think you should see him.''

He keeps repeating those words. You need to see him. Why do I need to see him? How do I face him after everything I have done?

"Lance wants to see you too. I think it is too soon to see him. So this is entirely up to you. Your decision to make.''

The moment I hear his name, I sit up on the bed. The fact that he still wants to see me, after everything means the fucking world to me. I don't know how he can be the most selfless person I have ever met. He doesn't even hold grudges. Right now, I am holding a grudge against myself for the things I have done and it seems like he is not even angry with me. He is the only one that I want to see. He is the only one that matters.

"I want to see him,'' I blurt out the thoughts in my head.

Dr Mathew should already know how I feel about him. This is the man I love. The only person that I completely trust. I have made mistakes and handled things the wrong way but the fact that he is still here is everything to me.

I can't take him for granted.

I won't.

A smile sprawls on his face "I knew that would be your answer,'' he tells me "So I take it as a yes. You will see them both?'' he adds

I nod my head as he walks out of the room and leaves me to the silence and my thoughts. My thoughts have been very dark. I know my meltdown happened because I wasn't taking my meds. Every time I relapse and stop. I have those kinds of reaction but this time was worse. I lost myself completely and it still feels like I haven't found what I need to get back to where I was.

I still have that empty ache within me.

I still have the hopelessness that I feel.

Nothing is different.

***************************

The door opens quietly as I hear their footsteps. This is the first time they have allowed a visit to my room. Maybe I am too sick to move to the visiting area. I mean, all the nurses have been treating me like I am fragile. Everyone is walking on eggshells.

I don't blame them.

I am completely lost but right now, the only thing that matters is seeing him again. I look up from my bed and dad is the first person I see. I can sense Lance. He is here but it seems like he is lingering by the door. I don't know where I stand with him right now. Is he here to officially break up with me? I will understand if he does.

I won't blame him.

"I'll wait until you are done,'' I hear his conversation with my father.

No, stay. You are the only one I want to see. Please don't leave me. 

Those words are in my head. Everything these days seem to be in my head when all I want is the courage to say the words out loud. I wish I could let him know that I am sorry. I wish he would forgive me and love me the way he did.

The door closes as dad walks into the room further. He stands at the edge of the bed, completely ignoring the chair that they put out for him.

Just sit down. 

"Son,'' he manages quietly. I look at him nonchalantly, my eyes are tired. Every bone in my body is exhausted. My eyes are on him but my heart is with the boy that just left. The one person I want to see.

The only one that matters.

"I'm sorry,'' he adds. This time, I sit up because I want to know why he is apologizing. I don't ever remember having a normal conversation with the man. I have been scared of him all my life.

Terrified that I would be next.

The man in front of me looks fucking harmless.

He looks sad.