Chapter 180 - All Round Closure

Ford.

This is my second try at this and I hope this time is better. It took me a whole year to come here again and now I really understand what Dr Mathew meant by a slow process. He said healing would take time and if I wanted a quick response, it wasn't going to happen. At first, I thought all I needed was the meds to make me feel better but it is bigger than just medication. I needed a safe space and I have gotten that with Lance.

He is the place that I can always go to and that is why I wanted to do this with him. I wanted to come here with him because he is the only one that understands me. He is the only one that can read me, know when something is bothering me.

We have been together for a year and it has been amazing. there are still times where I have meltdowns and treat him like a stranger but the good days have been more than the bad and he has been able to handle all the bad days well. I am so grateful to him, that coming here feels like second nature.

"Hey mama," I hear his voice as I stare at her gravestone. I have been speechless and I didn't know what to say. I didn't come here to apologize. I have moved past blaming myself and I know she wouldn't want me to think this was my fault.

Dad keeps trying to convince me that I was a child. He thinks he should've communicated with me better and I think the same. That is why I am living my life differently. I don't bottle things anymore, no matter how much I think it would hurt.

"So I brought your son today,'' he goes on his knees and drops the gardenia flowers. They were her favourite when she was alive. I remember because dad uses to always send them every month until their anniversary. Now that I know the truth, I remember things that I completely wiped out of my memory. All the good things that he did with her. The times that they shared happily. Somehow, my brain chose to take all those parts out and I only remembered things that didn't actually happen.

"Your son is going to be a writer. He is going to Stanford. Can you imagine? A big shot writer is what he will be.''

The only reason I am even going is because I will spend the first year with him. He hasn't decided on what he wants to study and I am glad that he is taking a gap year because that gives me some time to be with him, even though it is just for a year.

I know he will eventually figure out what he wants to do and I will be by his side while he does.

"Ford is shy right now. He thinks you don't want to talk to him. So that is why I am taking his place, but don't worry, it will only be for a couple of seconds." He looks at me and I can't help but smile at how cute he is. God, I love this man.

His eyes stay on me "Are you ready,'' there is still a smile on his face. I go on my knees next to him and he squeezes my shoulder encouragingly. That is all I need as I breathe out the words. He is the only strength I need to make things better.

"Hi, mom.''

************************

We walk into the house hand in hand and there is no shame or worry that someone might see us. For a long time, we kept our relationship a secret, now we don't have to hide it anymore. I can proudly say that I love this man without a care in the world. That is what we have become in such a short amount of time.

It is freeing because the people that matter have all accepted us. They are okay with everything that we have shown them. My father, his mother, all our friends. There is no reason to be ashamed anymore.

"You're here,'' Marybelle runs into our arms, taking the both of us in for a hug. She has been the most supportive of our relationship. I never wanted to get to know her before but now, I feel a bond with her.

"Let go mother,'' Lance whines as he tries to get away from her grip. I chuckle in her arms because he is always acting all mean to her. That has always been their dynamic. They are both stubborn to each other and it seems to work for them. "You won't deprive me of hugging my son,'' she rolls her eyes and pushes him away. Now I am the only one in her arms. She rests her head on my shoulder and my laugh becomes louder.

"He is not your son, he is my boyfriend.'' He reminds her because he hates when she calls me her son.

She laughs as she pulls away from me, my eyes remain on them as they continue their banter "But he is a better son than you are.''

He rolls his eyes "He is your son in law. Don't claim what is not yours.''

My heart warms at that because he is thinking of me in the long term. I don't mind getting married to him. In fact, it is all I want.

"Fine, dinner is almost ready. Your dad is almost home,'' she informs us as she walks back to the kitchen. We have family dinners every month. They never really got used to us not living with them, so we made a compromise and that is why we are here right now.

We go into my room and he jumps on the bed "Mom is such a drama queen,'' he concedes.

I laugh because to me, he is the drama queen but I don't need to tell him that. He probably already knows. Lance makes a big deal about everything, and that is what made me fall in love with him. The take he has on life. I wish I could see things in his eyes. I wish I could be half the man that he is.

There is a knock on the door before I can sit next to him.

Maria the maid is on the other side of the door "There is someone here to see you, sir,'' she says. I furrow my brows because I am not expecting anyone.

"Who is it?'' I ask.

"Lisa.''

Everyone in this house knows Lisa. I have been avoiding Lisa for a whole year. I don't have the courage to face her because I don't want negative energy around me and she makes me angry.

"Why is she here?'' I ask her even though I know that she doesn't know.

"Just go see her,'' Lance interrupts before I can have an outburst. I take a deep breath and Maria leaves. I turn to Lance and he is in front of me with a smile on his face.

"We are leaving in a couple of weeks. I think you need to do this. Get closure from her,'' he tells me.

I don't want to do this. I hate her so much and I know that hate is not the best kind of emotion to carry. It gives you demons, makes your heart darker and the only things I need are bright lights in my life. I know he is right but there are some things that you know you should do but you don't want to.

"Will you come with me?'' I ask him.

He shakes his head "I think you need to do this on your own, don't you think so?''

Dad told me that she wants to make amends. He has always had a soft spot for her. Even after he found out about the things she did. He still wanted me to let go and forgive her. I don't know if it will be easy to forgive her but I don't want to think about her at all. I want to move on past everything that happened. Live my life for only Lance. She is not part of the life that I want for myself. She is nowhere near.

"I want you to come with me. she needs to apologise to you too.''

He smiles "I don't hold her that high. She was never important to me. I know she was your friend at some point. So she is more important to you.''

He is right. Lisa was someone that I held in my heart. Growing up, she was the only person I could talk to. we had a steady relationship, she was my best friend. The things she did clouds everything. I don't think we will ever get back to that place we once were.

But he is right, I need to do this alone.