Chapter 185 - Anxiety

Jack.

I walk out of the building with so much anger boiling inside me. This is the worst feeling ever. Knowing you are not good enough. Unable to amount to anything. This is the tenth interview I have gone for this month and it is taking a toll on me. I have been fucking trying and nothing is coming out of it. I don't know what direction to take in my life.

I don't even know who I am anymore. My phone vibrates as I walk over to my car. I see Trick's face on the screen and through my shitty day, I smile. He is the only one that can make me forget all the problems in my life. He is the only distraction that I take wholeheartedly.

"Did you get it?'' he asks immediately I answer the phone and the anger from earlier resurfaces.

I don't even want to talk about it because of the fact that I couldn't even get a job as an assistant just pisses me off the more. I have gone through all ends, tried all types of application. At this point, I will take anything that will get me out of the house. Anything that will make Trick stop worrying about me. I know he wants to help but I don't want his help right now. I already feel like less of a man with him. He is the breadwinner of the family. It has always been that way. He took care of me after high school. He took out a loan to pay for my tuition for college. He has done everything and I am supposed to start paying him back for everything but here I am jobless with no money to even fend for myself.

"Not so good.'' I tell him honestly. I don't want to lie to him because he is the only one I am honest with. he is the only one I want to be transparent with.

"Fuck,'' he exclaims.

I am pretty sure he feels as bad about this as I do. "Its fine, I still have a couple of others lined up. I just need to keep trying.'' I don't want to lose hope right now because that is the only thing I have left.

"That's good. I am almost done at the gallery, I was thinking we could have dinner tonight. Somewhere romantic, just us two.''

The smile returns to my face as I enter the car.  "That sounds nice, it's been a while since we have been on a date."

"Yeah, you have to dress nice okay. No sweats,'' he warns me. Lately, my go-to outfit has been sweat pants and sweatshirts. I haven't really been feeling up for dressing up but today, I wore a black suit. I did everything right and I didn't get the job.

"Sure. I want to stop by Lance today. They finally got a kid to foster and he wants me to meet him.'' I tell him. Lance has his shit together—unlike me. I am happy for him but the fact that I am at a stagnant position in my life, ten years after just fucking sucks. I am not jealous of him, I never even think about that but I just get kind of depressed.

I don't want this to get to me but it has been months. Months where I have to depend on Trick. It is making me feel like less of a man.

"Okay, I will be home by seven. I love you.'' he ends the call and I rest my head on the steering wheel, squeezing it tightly. Right now, I want to scream so loud. Maybe that will help.

********************

I get home after a couple of hours with Lance. I have never seen him happier than he was today. He couldn't stop gushing about his son and how he was a dad. I didn't even know that Lance wanted to be a father. The guy is a fucking child on his own and now he has a kid—granted, he is just fostering but eventually, he wants to adopt him.

I park my car in front of the house. The little picturesque house we mortgaged. He did the most, everything we have in our life is all thanks to Patrick. I see his car in the garage, next to his motorcycle. I never thought he would ever get overriding that thing but after a couple of years, he finally gave in to a car and that is all he uses.

I walk into the house, looking around, it is squeaky clean, I didn't know how much of a neat freak he was until I started living with him permanently. I don't mind a little mess but if Trick sees as much as a cloth of the floor, he will start to get angst.

I hear him inside our bedroom. He is probably getting ready for our date. Right now, I don't feel up to this date. I have been in a down mood all day and I know he is doing this to get my mind off the interview. He knows how I have been feeling and he knows how much being jobless is affecting me mentally.

I walk into the room and he looks up from the pile of clothes on the bed. Did he make a mess? This is surprising to me.

"Yo, what is going on?'' I ask him with a smile on my face.

He sighs as I walk over to him. Trick has managed him buzz cut all these years. I have gotten so accustomed to him like this that it would be weird seeing him with hair on his head. "I don't have anything to wear,'' he whines. That is far from the truth.

"Really?'' I ask him as I reach for a shirt on the bed. "What about this?'' I add.

He rolls his eyes, telling me that he hates this "What is this about?'' I ask him because he never takes anything serious—especially something as trivial as clothes.

He sighs and walks over to the closet, I follow him as he rummages through the hung clothes "We have a date,'' he reminds me.

"I know. I mean, I thought it was just dinner and maybe sex afterwards.''

He laughs. Right now, instead of going out, I wouldn't mind staying indoors and just basking all of him in. I don't even want to go out right now because going out, means spending money and I don't have a lot of that right now, which means Trick will have to pay for everything as he has been doing for all of my life.

"Well I still get nervous when I have dates with you and sure, sex is definitely going to happen.'' He mutters with a gleam in his eyes. I take a deep breath and start to take off my clothes. His attention goes back to the clothes. I don't know how long he plans on looking for what to wear but I am exhausted and I want to have a shower. I need to clear my head from all the thoughts running through it.

The fact that I am a failure.

The fact that I will never amount to anything.

I have never felt this low in all my life. Even when I depended on Lance and his mom. When they used to take care of my shit, I promised I would pay them back but I can't even afford to pay my partner back for anything.

"I am going to take a shower,'' I tell him not even giving him a hello kiss. I don't think he notices but those are the things he usually notices. Right now, his whole attention is fixated on those clothes and looking good for me.

I walk into the shower and as the hot water pours on my skin, I close my eyes and take steady breaths. I am having an anxiety attack. One that I should talk to someone about. This has never happened to me but it feels like the walls in the showers are closing in on me. It feels like I am disappearing into oblivion.

I don't like this feeling at all.

After a couple of minutes in the shower. I walk out of it and back to the room. Trick is dressed now with a wide smile on his face. I don't want him to know how I am feeling, I don't want to have him worried about me. He is already doing so much and I don't want to add to it.

"You okay?'' he walks over to me. Tilting his head to the side, he squints his eyes, almost like he is trying to read me. Find out what is wrong.

I fake a smile because this is the least I can do. Pretend I am okay, even though I know I am not "I am just tired.'' I lie.

He is really looking forward to this date and I need to make sure he gets the best version of me tonight. The one that is happy and content with his life.

The one he deserves.