Chapter 214 - Make Things Work No Matter What

Jack 

I don't want to do this anymore. 

this back and forth. 

This controlling behavior. 

I don't want to get upset. I am trying to be everything that he wants but he is making it so hard for me to do that. 

I did what he wanted. 

I tried to get him to see things from my perspective. I tried to make him change his mind. For a whole week, I called him, I sent him texts, I tried to get him to talk to me. He left me with threats all because of a fucking job that didn't even mean shit. Because of a man that I didn't even think about. Gill meant nothing and he still doesn't mean shit to me but I understood where he was coming from. The jealousy, I could relate to it because if the tables were turned, I would feel the same way. I would be jealous of the man. I would want him to quit too but I wouldn't actually ask him to. 

I would respect his decision. I would trust him but he didn't trust me--and I understood. If I hadn't lied to him, maybe things would be different but it all happened and I didn't want to dwell on it. 

I did what he wanted. 

I gave him what he wanted and now that is not even enough.

I am trying, I am trying to be the perfect boyfriend but that is all he wants me to be. I am not allowed to have my own feelings, my own needs, my own wishes. I just have to deal with whatever he gives me because he is my boyfriend and it is my duty to accept anything he throws at me. 

"Hey, let's talk about this, don't just walk away from me.'' he walks into the room and grabs my arm gently.

I shake my head because I have nothing to say. I don't know what he expects from me anymore. 

"talk to me Baby,'' he pleads. Times like this, he makes me weak. I am not strong enough to fight him. I love him so much but he is making it harder and harder. 

"I have nothing to say to you. What do you want me to say?'' 

He lets go of my arm "Anything, tell me why you are upset. Help me understand.''

The fact that he doesn't even know why I am upset, just makes this even worse. He doesn't know what I want because he doesn't listen to me. He says things to make me feel better but he doesn't do anything to help me feel better. "I am upset because you are making me do something that I don't want to do again.'' 

"What do you mean?'' he looks confused.

"I mean it is like you are asking me to do this all over again. You are asking me to do this again.''

"Baby, I want to understand.''

"You should understand without me having to explain to you.'' 

"I don't know what the right thing is, help me so that I can be better.'' 

I shake my head because he is here, he is listening to me but he is not really listening to me. At the end of everything, Patrick is just doing what will make him feel better. 

"What do you want me to say?'' 

"I want you to say something. Tell me so that I know, so that I can be better."

I take a deep breath because there is no winning this argument. He is blind to my feelings; he is trying to make himself feel better. 

"I don't want the job, so you can go back and tell Michael that I wouldn't be coming in on Monday. Thank you for the help.'' 

I walk away from him and walk into the bathroom. he doesn't follow me and for that second, I am thankful. I am really trying to make this work. I am trying o be the best I can for him but I am afraid that I don't know how to be that for him anymore. I rest my back on the door and slide down until I am seated on the floor. 

"I love you so much Jack, I love you so much that I hate that I acted so selfish. I hate that I made you do something you didn't want to. I wish I could take it back but I know it is already too late, that is why I am trying to make things right. I should have talked to you first before talking to Mike, I made a mistake but I want to be better, I want to do right by you. I don't want to fail you,'' I hear him through the door. My heart thuds in my chest because I know he is being sincere. He is trying to do what is right. 

I don't know why or how I am going to do this but I know that he is willing to try. I am willing to try too. I want to try. I want to try again because I love him. This is not the end of us. I am not giving up on us. 

I stand up and open the door, he is seated on the floor, just like me. There are tears in his eyes. The kind that I promised to never let him shed again. I love him so much that I would do anything to keep those tears from coming, to keep him happy and smiling. 

I kneel in front of him. I take his hand and I place it on my chest. "I love you so much and I am willing to do whatever I have to do to make this work. I am willing to try, I am willing to get better. I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep us together.''

He looks up at me with those beautiful eyes. I reach out and wipe his tears away. 

will never let him cry again. I will spend the rest of my life making sure that he is happy.

I will never make him cry again.. No matter what, I will make this work.