Chapter 215 - Communication

Jack.

"Can we talk now?'' his voice is low. The room is dark and we are both sprawled on our king-sized bed. My arms are wrapped around his waist because I don't want to let him go anytime soon. 

His breathing is soft as he pulls me closer to him. 

"Yeah,'' I tell him because, after our fight, we didn't talk about what lead to it in the first place. 

I have to use my words, tell him how I feel about everything. I have had these expectations in my mind for so long that he would be able to tell how I was feeling without me even saying anything and we might be in sync most of the time, but he is not a mind reader. 

"I thought you didn't want to quit the job. It seemed like it meant a lot to you,'' he says and I can hear the confusion in his voice. It would have been so easy to just let that fight go because he never asked me what I was thinking. He just assumed and he acted out on it. 

Yeah, the job meant a lot to me because for a while now, I have felt so empty--yeah, I have Trick and he has been perfect but it just was never enough. I wanted more and I still do. 

"Do you know why I was upset?'' I ask him because I want to know where his head is at. 

He sits up on the bed and pulls me up with him. I stay in his arms because I am still not ready to let go of him. 

He kisses my forehead and I bury my face in his chest. I close my eyes and listen to his heartbeat, it is soothing. 

"No, I don't know why you were upset, I thought I did but I am not sure anymore,'' his voice is soft. 

I like that we are communicating. At the end of everything that has happened between us, I want us to be able to talk about how we feel. I don't ever want to bottle up emotions because at the end of everything, I would just explode it all out and by then, it might be too late. 

"You didn't ask me before you went to Michael,''  I tell him and he pulls back to look at me.

"You are right, I didn't ask you. I should have asked you but I just wanted to do something for you. I knew you were not happy and I knew it was all my fault. I wanted to make things right and I thought getting you your job back was the way to do that." 

"Are you over the thing between me and gill?'' I ask him because I know that he isn't. At the end of it all, working in the same place with Gill even though I know that he feels something for me would still cause problems between us. 

"I will learn to handle it. I will try,'' he tells me

and I can't help but smile. He is willing to try and he is willing to go through whatever it takes to make things work.

"I want you to be happy,'' he tells me and for a moment, I don't know what to say.

"I am happy. I am happiest when I am with you. You are everything to me Trick.'' I tell him and I mean it. He is saying that he will learn to control his jealousy and insecurities but I am not able to handle it. I don't want to have to worry about his feelings every day when I go to work. I don't want him thinking the worst and trying to stay strong. 

He doesn't like the guy and what Gill did was very inappropriate, he kissed me and that will never change. I don't want to be in that situation again. 

I don't want him to feel that kind of hurt again. I know that he is sorry and that he is willing to do anything to make it up to me but I also know that he would still have that looming over his head and it will end up causing problems in our relationship. 

"I don't want to go back, I will find something else,'' I tell him with a smile. 

"I don't feel good about everything that has happened. I hate the person that I became, I don't want to be that person again,'' he covers his face with his hands, I reach for him because I don't want him to beat up himself for this. 

"I just want you to trust me, I wish I could throw all your insecurities out of the window and make you see how amazing you are,'' I tell him because that is how I feel. 

He sits up and pulls me into his lap. 

"I don't know how I am going to do this but I know that I will try. I promise you that I will never let this happen again, I will trust you and I will try to let go of my insecurities. I want you to be happy and I don't want to be the reason for you not being happy.''

I kiss him and I can feel the tears in my eyes. I feel like we are finally moving past all the shit that has been holding us back from being happy. We are finally heading in the right direction and I am so happy that we were able to sit down and talk about it. 

that is all it took. 

One conversation. 

"I am going to look for something else for you, can I do that?'' he asks me calmly. I shake my head immediately because, at the end of all that has happened, I think I need to do this on my own. When he helped me get the job with Michael, I was upset and maybe it was the tiny part of me that felt like I couldn't do it on my own. I just need to figure out my shit on my own, I can't keep depending on him to do everything for me. 

"I have to do this on my own,'' I tell him. 

He smiles "okay. I trust you."