Chapter 221 - Breaking Point

Trick

A month passes by and things are still rocky between us. He hasn't been looking for a new job. He basically spends his whole day at home. Jack has become someone else in such a short span of time, all thanks to me. 

I know this is my fault. 

I take the blame for everything but I just want to make things right. 

"Hey,'' he walks into the room and jumps on the bed, pulling me into his arms. His lips press to mine for a kiss and I welcome him. Our relationship doesn't seem to be affected. He is still being a good boyfriend; we have sex all the time but the change is from him. 

I see it, the little things. Things that he thinks I haven't noticed. 

1. He is on his phone more.

2. He works out a lot more, he always goes for a run early in the morning and late at night. That used to happen a lot when he was with his dad. He once told me it was a way for him to escape from his head. When we moved out of the apartment, the runs reduced. Usually, we do it together. Now, he is doing it alone again. 

3. He is constantly on edge around me, almost like he is walking on eggshells. He doesn't want to do or say the wrong thing around me.

4. He drinks more coffee than usual which keeps him up at night. 

The fact that he doesn't even want to work anymore terrifies me the most. Having a job has always been a sense of pride with Jack, now whenever I even bring it up, he brushes it up like it is nothing. 

"Jack, do you want to go for a run with me in the morning?" I ask him because I want to see his reaction to my suggestion.

"Why?'' he asks me with his brows furrowed. He is still in my arms, his legs in between mine. 

"I don't know, it has been a while, I thought we could run together.''

He smiles widely and I see the hunger in his eyes "Why don't we find some other exercise to do together?'' he leans forward and I know what he wants.

"We could do that later.'' I push him away feeling the guilt weighing me down.

''Why?'' he looks at me with a pout. He is sitting up now, his arms on either side of my body.

"I want to go for a run with you,'' I tell him honestly. I want a little of the past, I want a piece of what we used to have. Now, I feel weird and I want something more.

"I don't feel up for a run right now, can we just have sex,'' he leans back to me and my heart drops at his statement. 

Rejecting my offer to run, seems like a rejection to me. 

He is telling me that he doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. 

I don't say anything. I nod my head and he grins at me. He moves forward and his lips press against mine. I close my eyes and pretend that everything is okay. I pretend that all the things he has been doing are normal and we will get through this. I pretend that I haven't been the cause of his change. I pretend that he loves me like he used to.

I want to believe that everything is going to be okay but I know it isn't. I know exactly what is going to happen and I can't stop it. 

Jack wraps his arms tighter around my waist and I do the same. As he takes off my clothes and then his. All we do is have sex. We don't even cuddle afterward. We don't talk or do anything together. We just lay in bed next to each other, pretending to sleep. Pretending that everything is okay. 

I just want to fix it; I want everything to be ok again. I want my boyfriend back.

I open my eyes and try to control my breathing. Beads of sweat trickle down my forehead and I feel like I can't breathe. My heart is beating faster and faster and I know that this is bad. I know it is unhealthy to feel like this, it isn't good.

But I can't stop.

"Hey, are you okay?'' he asks me, slowly breaking the kiss. His eyes bore into mine with worry. 

His hands hold my cheeks and I can see the concern in his eyes.

"I'm fine,'' I tell him, giving him a smile hoping that he will believe me.

"You don't look fine; do you want to stop?'' he asks me. 

His fingers trace down my cheeks and I shudder at his touch. This is the most intimate thing he has done with me all this month. 

"Do you hate me?'' I ask him. 

Do you not want to be with me anymore?'' I ask him. 

He stares at me with wide eyes, his lips parted in shock. 

"Do you want to break up with me?'' I ask him. 

"What?'' he asks me as if it is the most ridiculous thing, he has ever heard.

"Why are you acting like this? why won't you just talk to me?'' 

ask him, throwing my hands up in the air. 

I am frustrated and I am scared. I am scared that this is it, I am scared that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I am scared that he will leave me.

"I don't hate you,'' he tells me and I can see the sincerity in his eyes.

"I don't want to break up with you,'' he tells me.

"Then what is wrong?'' 

I am crying. I can feel the tears trailing down my cheeks. I can see his face soften as he watches me cry. I see him want to reach out to me and hold me but he doesn't. he just stares at me with a sad expression.

"Are we okay?'' he asks me and I can see the fear in his eyes.

"Do you think we are?'' I ask him because I don't even know what is going on anymore. Maybe we are just two people who are going through a rough patch. Maybe we are just fighting like every couple has done before.

"I don't know,'' he tells me honestly for the first time in a while.