Chapter 171 - Heavy Considerations Pt.3

Adding on that it did bother her on some level that she was so inexperienced in romantic matters or other aspects she considered "normal" for a woman. From a young age she had to sacrifice many things and focus on surviving. Once surviving became easier, the goal switched to escaping and making a better life for herself. In the middle of that journey her goal became revenge and that's all she's focused on for the past three years. No where in that period of time was she functioning on a quiet or normal schedule befitting of a woman her age. 

The more things were deprived from someone, the more idealistic it became in their mind. Due to the amount of time she had to think about it, time meaning years, the expectations naturally grew along with it. When it came to being 'normal' she put it on a high pedestal, romance also went on its own pedestal, and any other thing she could not attain because of her background.

Sure, she had studied 'romance' on a textbook level but that was all for the means of a mission. It was only to be utilized in situations where she was trying to extract information or let the other put their guard down enough for her to attack. That involved learning things like seduction tactics and how to come off a certain way to attract the other party. 

Her training never discriminated against men and women, she learned all the general tactics for a personality type not a gender. The gender came into play later on but the romance she learned was all for an secondary reason. Who would try and connect that to real life? She kept that separate in her mind and dreamed that actual romance was the opposite of what she was taught.

The core of her dreams was the feelings it would evoke in her as well. She wanted to feel protected or at least feminine with her romantic interactions. It was only natural she would want to feel this way considering her past. If you were to just look at her childhood, there was no sense of security or protection offered to her. Every single day she had to be the one who protected herself and make sure she was okay. That was the only way to live but it wasn't as if it was easy or something she enjoyed doing. She did it because she had to but was very much overworked.

At some point, you could connect this to childhood trauma. A lot of her thinking and actions were connected to a past incident. They either fuelled her to act some way or to stop acting a certain way. She was also overly harsh on herself with anything that was a personal issue. If she let herself relax a little bit, there was this ever lasting fear she would not be able to bounce back. 

Then what was her strength then? Just a figment of her imagination? If she never let it go, it could never leave her and she would never have to work for it again. Her theory was to act strong until she truly became like that. However, the longer it went on she felt like part of it was just an act or a shield she used to defend herself. Physically she was stronger than most people but mentally she couldn't help but focus on her shortcomings. 

Ming Ming and Neo helped lessen some of her burden but it was not enough. 

They could protect her as a family but she also felt responsible for them. She would jump in front of a bullet for them without thinking and that was the problem. There was this obligation and this responsibility she felt that was unequal. Having a romantic partner or a relationship with someone in her mind meant that they were on equal standing. Yes, they would protect each other but the feeling it would give was completely different. 

With that being one of her main requirements, any man that she worked or trained with was automatically rejected. There were barely any people in her vicinity that could beat her or if they did, treat her like a woman and not a rival they wanted to eliminate. Call her crazy but even she would not fall for a man that had it out for her neck. 

Not to say that there weren't any outliers in the mix but they never fit her type. Either too short, too ugly, too 'something' that they were lacking and she couldn't feel the d.e.s.i.r.e to be with them in that facet. So while she didn't want to overhype Xi Long and he wasn't everyone's cup of tea for face alone, she quite liked him. The way he carried himself also came into play, he held himself in a dominant way that did not feel like he was challenging her. He also teased her and interacted with her in a way that never made her believe he wanted her to die. Which albeit was a low standard to maintain but wasn't as hard to meet as you think. 

Even if he was being 'over' there would be this weird tension born out of it and would only seek to excite her more. She rose up to the challenge and it felt like an electrically charged tango. Like the saying "it takes two to tango" and they were definitely doing some sort of dance with their actions. Each move was a dance between predator and prey between them, the roles switching seamlessly. 

Therefore, when the opportunity arose she was trying to fight her way out but also not using her full force. It was a thought process of "if it happened, it happened" while also giving her mental out if she didn't like it. She was so desperate to cross it off her list and seeing a suitable party, was enough for her to allow it. Letting him give her a kiss happened with her consent and her post-reaction would determine if her attraction to him was real or not. It did not come within her expectation to enjoy it as much as she did and see him that many times after either. 

Now it has been around a month since they had just met and they had met only a handful of times. Each meeting varied in time but was sufficient to create more memories. He helped cross more things off her list and she enjoyed normal couple moments.

However, the biggest lesson she learned was that she probably could not and would not enjoy a completely normal relationship. Many years ago she had considered giving up everything and just pretending to be a normal girl. Creating a new identity and leaving to a new country wouldn't be too hard. That option in her mind had been pushed aside but never completely rejected. 

It was also perfect that he understood her easily without her explaining much. That sort of understanding was hard to find from someone outside their line of work. Only someone who had dabbled in the underground and muddy part of wars knew what she meant. With how much blood she had on her hands, it was a hard aura to hide nor did she want to suppress it all the time. 

Just thinking about that aspect of a normal relationship with a common man, was enough for her to cry. The list of complaints she had regarding it kept pilling up: too boring, had to control herself, always explain why she knew things, could never be herself, had to suppress her aura, keep hiding her true self the entire time, etcetera. If she were to write it down, maybe one full page would not be enough to cover the grievances she would experience.

'Why did I ever think I wanted this in the first place??'

Adding on, the biggest issue was Xi Long himself.

The biggest consideration she was making was not to how she felt about him but how he would feel. Maybe if he had been more relaxed or less straight forward with his feelings, she could still ignore him. Only because he was being so open and she knew his personality, that she was so hesitant to be mean or cut him off out of the blue. She had also shared that same vulnerability with him to a certain degree and just thinking about finding someone else to build that with was difficult. 

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ADDITIONAL A/N PLEASE READ: I know in this book lots of people have gotten annoyed with how Ying Yue acts around Xi Long and finding it against her personality. There have been a fair bit of reviews and negative comments made about it and I'm sad to see people stop reading because of that. Hopefully these chapters help you understand her psychology a bit more. Most of her reasoning to be so "innocent" is childhood trauma. Her acting "weaker" is from her own choice and hope you can see the duality of her character. Not everyone wants to be strong all the time and I promise there are women like her out there. She will still be strong in tough predicaments but let our FL be free in romance!!!