Chapter Sixty-Eight (Lionel Hutz)

Hurrmuur was the Great High Most of the Unified Neo-Sapients Council, tasked with overseeing the vast bureaucracy that ensured that the neo-sapient races properly shepherded their resources as well as made sure their planetary resources were shared with the rest of the Unified Systems worlds. Many of the oldest systems, the Unified Core Systems had long enough used up their rare earths, heavy metals, fossil fuels and other non-replenishable resources and depended on the worlds in the Unified Outer Rim and the Unified Inner Sphere to keep the resources, food, luxuries, and other critical portions of a modern economy running.

The Unified Science Council had long ago determined that the inventions of directed radio broadcast or space flight (especially jumpspace travel) meant a race that was not properly shepherded would consume vastly more resources than they should. This led to overheating the planet, wars over the last remaining resources on planets, and the investigation of dangerous technologies that could wipe out an entire species and destroy the planets ecosystem, preventing that planet from being properly exploited by beings from races older and wiser than the neo-sapients.

It was beneath Hurrmuur's gentle hands that he guided the populations, ensured that they were properly uplifted to more gentle genetic codes, and were gradually brought into the fold of the near-civilized races.

In his work Hurrmuur visualized himself as a paternal, all seeing figure, who knew through the lessons of the Lanktallan's hundred million year old history of careful progress how to guide the neo-sapients before they harmed themselves or others.

Even the detonation test of an atomic weapon was reason enough for Hurrmuur and his predecessors to order in the Unified Pacification Fleets, usually assisted by Unified Corporate Council fleets, to quickly move in and ensure that the race did not destroy themselves with nuclear weapons or damage their ecology.

The zone in which intelligent life could life and thrive was narrow. Intelligent species were far to susceptible to radiation, temperature extremes, gravatic shocks, and other hazards. Most dangerous was stress from working in dangerous environments, terrible terrible side effects came from stress. Most notable the shorting of one's proper lifespan. Why, a stressed Lanktallan might only live 250 years instead of their allotted 300-325 years. The majority of planets had too extreme temperatures, unmanagable weather that would take decadees or centuries to terraform, too high of an axial tint, dangerous ecosystems, too strong or too weak of a magnetic field, too much radiation, and a hundred other threats.

Beings who had originated, somehow, despite all odds, on planets like that were quickly relocated to much better planets, assimilated into the culture and given a proper role in the existing society.

It was what was the best for them, and prevented stress from lowering their life expectancy, happiness index, or their essential needs, of which, lifespan without stress was vitally important.

By adding the mathematics to the neo-sapients they find their life spans reduced terribly, unable to enjoy the wisdom and appreciation of luxuries that they would later understand. Stress was often monitored and compensated for by gene therapy and/or manipulation, pharmaceuticals, social and/or cultural engineering, and providing proper employment to give the neo-sapients a well deserved feeling of accomplishment and belonging.

Hurrmuur was proud of his organizations work. In the 200 years he had worked for the Unified Neo-Sapients Council, he had ensured peace and prosperity for dozens of races that were barely sentient, many of which had almost managed to dangerously deplete their resources below a level that was valuable to the Unified Industrial Council! The horror of such an action often made Hurrmuur's tendrils coil in anxiety.

For decades he had slowly advanced through the ranks, his talent, wealth, inborn skill, and family lineage enabling him to climb the ladder much quicker than his peers. He knew they whispered behind his back, but the jealous always chewed sour cud over the superiority of those who were better than them. He had been the longest serving Great High Most, with the best track records of ensuring the neo-sapients under his care were productive members of the Unified Systems. He kept the resources flowing, ensuring that the Unified Commercial Council could provide the luxuries that were the due of every member of the Unified Species according to their need, rank, lineage, and species.

Until recently. In less than two years a vast disruptive influence had appeared on the galactic stage, upending millions of years of careful work by the Lanktallan to ensure that everyone had enough to go around, that the proper hierarchy of the universe was adhered to.

No. Not the Precursor machines, although he knew what had caused those to reappear.

It was the Terran Confederacy.

First by not just allowing exploring starships and far flung colonies to succumb to the natural order when they disturbed Precursors, then by showing up and 'assisting' any who asked for their assistance rather than taking the time to go through government channels, as was proper. By their cultural and societal norms as long as one being asked for assistance they felt honor bound to provide assistance to an entire planet. Even an entire stellar syste. Now, apparently, it even counted for entire races!

Their arrogance and pride soured the cud in Hurrmuur's jowls every time he thought about it. They're slapdash approach to resources, their exploration of technologies that the Unified Science Council had proven were dangerous and could destroy space-time itself in some cases, their insistence that they were inviolate and would not submit to the rulings of the Unified Species Council.

Hurrmuur looked at the report that the Unified Science Council researchers had sent him after managing to examine several Terran corpses.

Terrans were, on the surface, a diverse collection of many different species, some appearing as animals, others claiming to be artificial intelligences, others claiming to be merely neural tissue inside a mechanical body.

However, the USC had discovered that all biological humans shared traces of the same DNA. That they were one species, so primitive, so unevolved that they could withstand massive genetic alteration. Not like the gentle uplift and smoothing the Lanktallan ensured every Neo-Sapient and Near-Civilized race received, but unrestrained genetic modification. They had multiple redundant biological systems, vestigial organs, vestigial cartilage and bone supporting structure components, even their vital organs were so primitive that their primitive nervous system could not detect artificial replacements.

They had three layers of epidermis, four if you counted the subcutaneous fat layer, ligaments attached to tendon attached to muscle, excessively thick bones, excessively large lungs, and dense muscles.

The USC had reported that Terrans were the most primitive race they had ever seen even evolve the use of fire.

The Unified Historical Council, after nearly three months of research into the historical databases that they had been given had determined that not only had the Terrans managed to get pass each of the Great Barriers despite apparently freely indulging in them. Planetary overheating due to industrialization. Plague spread due to scattered tribes uniting. Nuclear detonations. Resource scarcity. Nanotechnology. Overpopulation.

It seemed to Hurrmuur that nothing seemed to stop the Terrans. Their planet had been glassed and still they ran about the universe like nothing had happened. Other races, if that occurred, usually committed mass suicide at the loss of their homeworld, one of the reasons Hurrmuur ensured the planet was properly cared for by not letting the neo-sapients run rampant.

The Unified Military Council and the Unified Corporate Security Council had both reported, having witnessed combat between the so-called Precursor war machines and the Terran military, that the Terrans used extremely dangerous technologies during combat and for their war machines, including kinetic weapons that moved at a measure fraction of the speed of light! Those weapons had long ago been outlawed on the chance that thousands or millions of years later the projectile might impact somewhere that might harm another being!

The sheer lack of concern for the future horrified the Grand Allocation Council.

Then insult to compare to no other, the Terrans had not even sent a member of their own species to act as an ambassador to the Grand Unified Council, but instead sent so called "Mantids" who claimed to be a Precursor race.

The very idea made Hurrmuur inflate his crests in disbelief and anger.

Now, he was going to be face to face with an actual Terran. Not one of their Mantid proxies, not one of the supposed cyborg warriors who were apparently nothing more than a robotic body with some pieces of Terran floating inside, not a supposed AI in a floating metal ball, but an actual Terran.

Heeding the warnings that the Terran would be cybernetically augmented beyond the approved and carefully designed datalink, Hurrmuur had made sure his cud was full of the proper pharmaceuticals to keep his anxiety down in the face of such resource wasting and illegal technology.

The door chimed and Hurrmuur made sure his sash and flank coverings were properly arranged, that his office had the proper atmosphere of culture and permanence, and tapped his desk-icon to open the door.

The being that entered startled Hurrmuur. Lanaktallan's were used to being one of the tallest and most physically imposing of the races. With their six eyes, inflatable crests, hanging pendulous jowls, four arms on a muscled torso, muscled flanks supported by four solid legs capped by hooves.

The Terran was taller than Lanaktallan and its build was thick and muscular. It was bald, had greyish skin, some kind of cybernetic visor covering its eyes with cybernetic datalinks from each ear and around the back of its head. The face was almond shaped, with a wide chin, pressed together black lips, a long wide nose, and the cybernetic visor covered where Hurrmuur knew there should have been close set predator eyes. It was bipedal, with thick legs, powerful arms, and hands terminating in thick gripping digits.

It looked to Hurrmuur like some kind of nightmare made flesh.

It moved moved up, looking Hurrmuur up and down like some kind of specimen from a laboratory. It took Hurrmuur a moment to realize two others had entered. They were missing the visor and had black hair cut in identical styles. Their close set eyes had been replaced by cybernetic eyes that the lenses glowed a cold amber.

"You are Great High Most Hurrmuur, of the Unified Neo-Sapient's Council," the bald one said in perfect Unified Language. Its voice was cold and dead, like a computer speech program without the empathy or cultural signifiers.

"Harrumph, yes, I am he," Hurrmuur said, inflating his crests to display his annoyance even as his back teeth ground the cud to send the medicine laden juices to his first stomach.

"I have an appointment in exactly one-hundred and twenty seconds from the end of my sentence," the being said.

Hurrmuur reflexively glanced as his calendar despite already knowing the answer. It was simply marked as "Terran Representative."

"Yes. How should I address you?" Hurrmuur asked.

A long moment passed. He was about to ask a question when he realized that the time allotted had passed.

"I am Senior Partner Executive Barrister Johnathon Jackson, Esquire, of Johnson, Jackson, and Johnston Legal Offices, headquartered in London, Bongistan, TerraSol," the being said. "These are my assistants, Lesser Qualified Barrister 38713a34 and Barrister Clerk 299267c61e. All three of us are registered attorneys, barristers, and legal consultants within the Unified Systems as per your rules and regulations, having all passed the entrance bar as well as published multiple legal papers now considered precedent within your legal system."

The being went silent, like a text reader that had reached the end of the document.

The office was perfectly silent and still, only the humming of Hurrmuur's desk terminal and his old fashioned gear driven clock.

Hurrmuur was unused to another being being silent and apparently staring at him. He was the dominant one in this office.

"What is the purpose of your visit?" Hurrmuur asked. Well, if these Terrans wanted to be coldly clinical, without any of the due greetings and small talk, then he would treat them in the same way.

"We represent the Telkan, Sselleesh, Gulglugan, and sixteen other races currently represented by your office," the Terran said coldly. "These are the appropriate files, both in triplicate triplicate and in electronic format transmitted to the correct officers, diplomatic personnel, legal personnel, corporate officers, and pertinent offices, as well have been posted on GalNet and in local publications of the applicable homeworlds, shown in GalNet paid advertisements in all applicable languages, broadcast via atmospheric hologram, as well as a copy currently being affixed to the side of your building with gold spikes driven in by warsteel hammers."

The Barrister Clerk moved up and began setting stacks of plassheet on Hurrmuur's desk, which was currently whirring. The desk flashed a warning, then the display went pink as the memory space overloaded and crashed. Hurrmuur felt his knees buckle and his crests deflate as his datalink began to heat almost painfully and he felt a massive legal document drop into his personal electronic mailbox as well as being delivered directly to his own implant. His implant also informed him that a delivery service had dropped off copies at his home, his winter estate, his summer get away, in his parking spaces, and a set had been left in the lobby of the hospital he had been born at.

Hurrmuur opened and closed his jaws slowly, his tendrils wound tight to his jowls. He felt as if he was going to be crushed by the sheer weight.

His desk recovered, automatically scanned the documents, and bogged down on the sheer intricacy of the links, citations, precedents, historical evidence, and previous rulings.

"At this very moment, as synchronized by atomic clock, additional documents are being presented to the appropriate council representatives with the relevant councils," the Terran stated. It then stopped speaking, just staring at Hurrmuur, who had, weirdly, noticed that the Terran barely opened its lips to let the words slip though.

Hurrmuur glanced down and saw what the documents were for.

Emancipation of each listed species; reparations due to each species; accusations accompanied by proof of non-consensual genetic, cultural, social, and pharmaceutical engineering; dominion for each species over the planets they had evolved on, colonized, or explored; reparation of all unwilling expatriates, indentured servants, and other member of that species willing to return to their home of origin once the terms were explained by a Terran lawyer; negation of all generational and corporate debt; class action lawsuits against corporation and corporation; class action lawsuits against almost every Council (including his own); Cease & Desist Orders granted by the Unified Legal Council Computer Array; orders of protection for each member of the species granted by the previous body...

It went on and on and on. Every one of them already active cases accepted by the Legal Arrays, every one of them being already argued. Hurrmuur was court ordered to oversee the purging of all non-statistical data regarding each individual of the listed species within the next 72 hours.

Worst, and already approved, was that the Terran legal firm of Johnson, Jackson, and Johnston was the legal guardian of each of the species, with granted legal power of attorney!

Hurrmuur looked up in time to see the Terran holding out a sheaf of papers to him. Hurrmuur reflexively took them.

"Great High Most Hurrmuur, you have hereby been served. You will be expected to appear before the Unified Legal Council to defend yourself and your office from charges of perfidy, embezzlement, prostitution, slavery, theft of land and territory, and other violations," The Terran said, it's voice still empty.

It suddenly smiled and Hurrmuur almost fainted. Its teeth were long, pointed, and locked together. Black fluid, almost like blood, leaked from between its teeth and down its chin.

"You should retain legal council," it said, then turned and began to leave.

"This appointment is terminated. All further communication shall take place in writing between legal specialists only," the Lesser Qualified Barrister said in the same cold tone. Its teeth were much the same, only shorter.

The other two left, the Barrister Clerk shutting the door.

Hurrmuur dove for his desk comlink, found it overloaded as it was still accepting document after document after document. His implant pinged and he screamed twice in panic and immediately galloping toward the door.

His implant was informing him that he was already late for court and had been found in contempt.

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MANTID FREE WORLDS

Oh, dear, I can sense the disturbance from here.

-----NOTHING FOLLOWS------

BIOLOGICAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS

Sense what?

-----NOTHING FOLLOWS-------

TELKAN GESTALT

What's she talking about?

------I JUST ASKED A QUESTION-------

TERRA

hee hee hee

------NOTHING FOLLOWS------

CYBERNETIC COLLECTIVE

Oh, God, Gramps is laughing. Someone's rectum hurts, even if it was just newly created by being ripped open with furious violence.

-----NOTHING FOLLOWS---------

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

What, sis? What disturbance did you sense?

------NOTHING FOLLOWS--------

MANTID FREE WORLD

I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

-------NOTHING FOLLOWS------

CLONE WORLD DIRECTORATE

Are you watching old movies again?

----NOTHING FOLLOWS------

TERRA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

----NOTHING FOLLOWS--------

DIGITAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS

Does it make anyone else nervous when Gramps laughs?

-----NOTHING FOLLOWS------

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

Hold me, I' m scared!

------NOTHING FOLLOWS-------

TELKAN GESTALT

I don't get it...

-----IS THIS WHERE I SAY NOTHING FOLLOWS?------

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Come here and sit by big sister, I'll show you.

-----NOTHING FOLLOWS------